Morning rite went well. I am again on yet another day of trying to integrate new workout program with new Abramelin phase in addition to everything else and ye gods.
Today’s theme was “People who demand too much of me and my time” along with “Creepy fucked up sort of attention on social media the likes of which I’ve never seen demonstrated elsewhere”. It’s not a good combo. It makes me want to flee the Internet. My parents are driving me nuts. Work is driving me nuts. Certain people online are driving me nuts. It’s not good.
I did not get enough sleep. I can barely brain. This isn’t helping.
I sometimes wonder if the reason why I get too many people demanding too much of me is because I also demand too much of myself.
Morning rite went well. My fun of attempting to fit in at least an hour of some form of spiritual contemplation with a workout schedule begins. I am wondering if there’s some way I can combine the two. For great justice. Because seriously, I’m not sure how to get in a normal work schedule, a workout schedule, and AHHHHH. Taking suggestions and ideas. Workouts range between 30-60 minutes a day and I do workout DVDs. I’m on a semi-set schedule. I think I need to work from home most mornings, do the workouts then, then get into work late, etc. I’ll figure it out. I gotta. To my credit, I got some reading in while eating dinner. I think finding those two hours per day for contemplation after dinner will be my biggest struggle. If I get in an hour I will call it awesome and progress. Maybe if I do a little here, a little there, spread it out…I can get there.
Today was a mixture of frustration and adjustment. Very up and down mood-wise. I am definitely still recharging from the charity walk and really could’ve had a day off today. Fortunately I DO get off early on Friday and have off next Monday, so I thank the gods for the little things. The workouts did help.
I did not get the job I applied for, but I’m looking at it as an opportunity to think very hard about what sort of opportunity will get me towards the goals I have set out for myself.
Evening rite went well. I am left with the lingering feeling that I’m missing something or something is not quite right. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m still worn out from this weekend, I’m expecting too much, or what. Something is off. What am I missing? Ugh.
Morning rite went well. Today was a bit of a blur, owing to the lengthy walk and exhaustion. I find myself questioning and second guessing a lot of things. I know I am lacking in sleep and it’s making things fuzzy. I know that I need to be better prepared for things and treat myself better, but have no idea on how to go about doing that. For some reason I just can’t shake the notion that I’m either swinging in the direction of being the biggest screw up or just plain trying too hard. I need that middle ground, and I have no idea where to find it.
Evening rite went well. My daily meditations and contemplation will be done before I fall asleep tonight.
Morning rite went well. Shortly after I woke up, the words flashed in my mind: “Abramelin, phase two. First thing. Now.” So I did the washing of my hands and face, and got myself into my temple room before even checking work email. That’s a HUGE shift, one I hope to continue.
More people from other cultish orders seeking me out. I can’t call this a coincidence, and I wonder how word got around that I am the rescuer of people suffering from occult abuse in the name of spiritual advancement.
This is where I feel like sticking snarky animated gifs of Castiel in my posts.
For my devotional reading, I’ve found a ton of wonderful books on Kindle written by modern day Hellenic polytheists. Beautiful prayers, devotionals, and a fantastic book on the Delphic Maxims. These will definitely assist me. Also had a nice opportunity to attend a webinar with some of the authors in the HGA book that came out recently tonight. There are no coincidences.
Evening rite went okay. I am not 100% pleased with it due to a lot of distractions, being exhausted, etc but it’s sincere and I’m going to go with that. Tomorrow is another day, gods help me.
Morning rite went okay. Today I have an interview plus will be prepping for both a charity walk and the start of phase two. No rest for the wicked.
I plan to review the past journal entries on here and hope that I will not spend the day feeling like so much work I’ve done has become unraveled. One of my pet projects right now is to wake up and think “I must do my Abramelin rite” versus check either my work or personal laptops. It’s hard; I’m not awake and memory is not best in the morning. But I am far better served thinking “Abramelin” when I wake up versus “work” or “Facebook”.
There is so much in my past entries about social interaction and struggles with certain types of people, boundary issues, and trust. I had (and have) a LOT to heal from; I knew that coming in. And I’m not surprised that so much of phase one focused on dealing with that in addition to relearning old habits and burning away bullshit. The typical Abramelin from what I’ve heard from most focused on removing social interaction. With phase one, it seemed to be more about being discerning. I’ve already been running away from socializing for several months; having me go into isolation undoubtedly wouldn’t help that but encourage it. I also am noting that the themes of my experiences may be slightly different owing to one major difference: my religious background. So many accounts are Christian and Christian themed in focus. I suspect in having a Hellenic flavor, the lessons I learn and some of the attitudes may be a bit different.
In any event, I still don’t feel like I’m anywhere near where I should be given it’s been two months. I know things have amped up and I’ve seen the signs; I’m on my way but I’m not there yet. Still in all, I am frustrated. Should phase one be longer? Or is phase one more like learning that you will fuck up and it’s okay? Will I need more than six months? But I march on.
The interview went well, and the rest of the evening was fine too. I had some insights that may help me to continue to unravel my situation.
Today is very obviously “test Scarlet in certain hot button issues to see how she reacts and if she’s learned anything in the past two months”. I had to have a very, very difficult conversation with some people about rape culture and I am still shaking and sweating. I really hope I passed. 😛 I believe in dialogue and education, and I’m trying to have that over “set phasers to flame war”. Gods bless.
The rest of the day went very much in that tone, save for work. Work was amazingly untouched. But today, yes, today was definitely “let’s test you on absolutely every issue you’ve dealt with in the past which you thought was either resolved or otherwise come to terms with” like a gigantic reset button.
Massive, massive amounts of shit hitting my rage buttons today. Massive.
Morning rite went well. I’m feeling…a bit out of sorts today, detached and drifting, but strangely good. I find myself able to observe when I react in ways that I normally do, and stop myself from once again being in the usual fashion which does not serve me.
I have also done some recalculating…apparently phase two starts this Friday. I had a feeling things were “escalating” and this confirms it; hence my double checking on when I’m supposed to be “moving on”. My HGA has me right on schedule even when I myself don’t know it. That makes me feel good/better about this whole situation. At the same time…I am absolutely terrified of moving forward. I guess I got comfortable in this phase…maybe too comfortable. >.> And I know, were I giving advice to someone else, that would be when I would say “That means you are ready to move on, cause sayonara, comfort zone!”
Meanwhile, I am participating in a major charity walk this weekend…which means I get to spend the start of phase two in a hotel and walking a fuckton amount of miles. Holy. Fuck.
Last night I dreamed of my HGA. I had missing my morning rite but managed to get it in before noon, had run into the temple room but everything was all dark. I couldn’t see him too well–mostly just a lit outline–but I could feel him. I could not see his face but I could see what appeared to be wings and this feeling of intense love. But something separated us and when I tried to embrace him I couldn’t quite reach him. I remember at one point I fell to my knees, but he told me to stand. And another message: Not yet, not yet.
Strange day today. I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished very much other than downtime, which maybe I needed. I don’t know.I keep wondering if I need to be spending less time online and more doing other things, except I don’t know what those other things should be just yet.
Morning rite went well. I think before I reach phase two I plan to reread all of my entries, see what patterns have emerged, and what I still need to get my ass in gear on.
I had a dream where I had to do 50 versions of nail art. I chose a color that was a very light blue crossed with a light lavender with sparkles, and Gordon Ramsey had to critique it. I think that this dream was a total winner.
Today was a lengthy walk (17 miles) and what a good one it was! It’s amazing how much better I feel now that I have so much shit finally resolved. Holy fucking hell. Everything is coming together. Colors look sharper.
I received a strange message today in regards to where I’m heading: “Stay put.” Does that mean I’m on the right track? Or not to make any sudden moves? Maybe both?
I am now also attracting every single stranger who wants to come to me with their problems and tell me their life story. I had about three in the span of five minutes plus a ton of IMs from others. And I won’t even get into the psychic vampires and trolls. I am exhausted. This is where I log off.