Monthly Archives: May 2014

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Abramelin, day 51

Morning rite went well.

I had an interesting day today, filled with family drama and personal drama. The personal drama at least looks well on the road to resolution, and thank fuck because to be perfectly honest it’s been dragging on for some time now. Now the next stage, which isn’t going to be easy but will hopefully be rewarding. Shit Is Progressing. I’m liking this. Why didn’t I do this Abramelin thingie sooner?

I note that I will be starting phase two during Memorial Day weekend. Nice timing; a three day weekend to crown this off. I normally go away for that weekend but that’s not happening anymore due to Family Drama. Again, interesting timing. Hm.

I also learned a valuable lesson: second guessing my intuition and psychic shit cost me a LOT. I feel a lot less crazy now, and learned that I was far more on target than I had initially suspected. Turning into the anti-psychic does me nor anyone else any favors.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 50

LOTS of lucid dreaming past few days, far more so than I have in a while. Lots of psychic shit.

Morning rite went well. Work day however, was challenging. Was entirely too happy to leave early–even working from home–to head to my chiropractor appointment.

A good chunk of the day was devoted to thinking about those themes covered yesterday: rethinking habits of approach, reactions, etc. What reactions am I having which are reasonable and intuition-based versus reflection out of a habit or defensive maneuver.

I am wondering how much of my personal journey and stress for the past few years has been self inflicted versus brought on by outside factors. It’s not a comfortable thought. I would think I would’ve had a heads-up and cosmic spanking machine introduction had it been purely me, but I have no way of really knowing that.

Still in the purge, cleanse, heal cycle. Lots of purifying that I am doing and need to do. I intend to reread the Abramelin accounts I’ve read before so I have a sense of what I’m in for in regards to phase two, but I suspect a good chunk of it is Purify Your Shit. But time will tell.

Evening rite went well. Much to think about.

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Abramelin, day 49

Morning rite went well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The person who gives me the most amount of trouble and reminds me of why it may be necessary to move on from my job is back from vacation. And of course she is once again giving me a hard time over what is ultimately a matter of other people dropping the ball, even with evidence in writing and message history traces and all of it shown in a GoToMeeting call. It’s massively fucked up and it needs to stop. I’m sorry I don’t have the TPS report, the idiot responsible for it gave me the wrong location to get it and now it’s gone. Blame the idiot, not me. ~fin~

I also figured out literally from the moment I was emerging from the depths of sleep to right before bed what the theme of the day has been: recognizing when I’m about to do/say/react to something out of habit and ingrained patterns which no longer serve me, and correct my course of action. Things which easily could’ve led to me pushing people away, speaking in a way which is beneficial to no one, and having emotional reactions to things for no other reason other than deeply ingrained patterns have been recognized and rethought.

Cleanse and purge.

Another theme: recognizing when people are attempting to engage in a power struggle due to ego and choosing when it is necessary to either a) try to do or something something that would be beneficial as opposed to also struggling or b) quietly walking away. It’s helping me to salvage shit, correct my crap, and help me to deal with social stuff better. It’s not even so much that I struggle with the social as much as I tend to be very free with opening my mouth, and not always in a way that’s best for everyone. I can’t listen to all sides and figure out what the hell is really going on behind what everyone is saying if I’m too busy merely reacting to it all.

Cleanse and purge.

Evening rite went well. I just realized I have about two weeks to go until I hit phase two. Craziness.

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Abramelin, day 48

Morning rite went well. I had a phone screening that also went well; they want to bring me in for a face to face interview. So many mixed emotions. I want to be sure I am doing the right thing.

I opted for a long walk with dinner in between tonight. I am aware of the fact that I am making progress but even with the progress there is a new level of friction, issues to be dealt with, etc. It is frustrating but I am doing my best. I am keeping myself in check.

Energy levels today were good. I am making massive, massive progress and I look forward to the future. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t feel all is lost, far from it. But it will be a challenge, no doubt about that.

The bullshit continues to be purged, and I continue to heal and purify.

Evening rite went okay, but I am drained.

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Abramelin, day 47

Morning rite went well. I’ve had some much needed clarity, and it’s given me hope.

I took some more Reiki attunements today, one of which gave me the much needed insight for phase two: how to “pump up the volume” on the prayers, purification, and that “two hour reading” equivalent thereof, since my faith doesn’t really have much in the way of holy texts. Once upon a time, I received the Vajrasattva and Green Tara empowerments (yes, I took refuge and Bodhisatva vows, got my Dharma name, etc). I was good about doing them until I had a lot of personal struggles and issues, then never felt good about getting back into the practice–I don’t know why. That’s shit I’ll have to start digging into, meditate on, find out what happened there, what my blocks were. I think I’ll start doing them again.

I encountered Green Tara even before Apollo. This is old business. 🙂

The Reiki is good stuff. I need to make more of this part of my routine. If I wink out of this plane of existence, it might be more than just the Abramelin.

Evening rite went okay, aside from my once again forgetting a few things. I am learning that this rite is about fucking up and how you handle it. Or more accurately, trying to cultivate mindfulness and end habits which have outlived their usefulness. At least this much I can currently say about phase one of the operation.

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Abramelin, day 46

Morning rite went okay. I think I need to spend more time in there as opposed to less. The morning ones are the toughest however; I am barely awake and coherent and more apt to be forgetful and stupid. I hope my HGA is understanding.

SO much more energy today. I needed yesterday, apparently. The repeated reminders exist, however, that I have a lot of shit to burn away, cleanse, and heal. I don’t even know where to start. Daily intense Reiki? No idea.

I’ve come a long way, I know this. But I’m so insanely, ridiculously far away from where I need to be, and I can’t believe how long it’s taken me to even get here.

Evening rite went…okay. I know what I need to work on and I know what I need to do and why, but it’s going to be the how that is tricky. It always is.

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Abramelin, day 45

Morning rite went…okay. I still have a lot of major things on my mind, and I badly need some answers to a long term, pressing issue. I can’t let it get in the way of the operation and I can’t let me get in the way, either. But I need to know the truth, because I need to be free. I badly need to be free.

I’ve been having a lot of flying dreams as of late. It hasn’t been about escape as much as it’s been about being free and rising above bullshit.

Yesterday I spoke with a friend who sounds like he’s really coming into his own as a natural healer and spiritual counselor. I rather relate to that. My primary path seems to be more on the oracular side (Apollo pretty much has me by the scruff of the neck on that one), but I notice that both healing and oracular work both tend to dovetail into spiritual counseling. It’s just how it goes.

I had a dream last night that I decided to pursue a Master’s degree in counseling.  I tend to have a LOT of back to school dreams, not all of them good. There’s always the classic of “I just realized that I’m enrolled in school, half a semester has gone by and I have not attended any of my classes” dreams. Last night was a little bit of that, realizing that I was supposed to be in classes all day but wasn’t. I get a LOT of that. Why do I not know I’m supposed to be in class, and why aren’t I getting that information? Is this something I should be responsible for but don’t realize it and therefore am not doing it? Ugh. I think the hands down worst recurring dream is the one where I have forgotten I’m enrolled in an advanced Calculus class, half a semester has gone by and I need to start showing up, I get there and the professor might as well be talking in Chinese. It must be noted that my two semesters of Calculus were hell and taught by very, very bad professors, one of whom left and did not return for unknown reasons. Hm.

I have absolutely zero energy today, even less than yesterday. Taking this as a sign to slooowwwww dowwwwwwwn and relax. I’m just so wiped. I wound up taking a nap in the evening–something I NEVER do–then did a rite for Apollo plus tarot readings for people since today is Apollo day.  I ended the day with watching V for Vendetta.

Evening rite went well.

 

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Abramelin, day 44

Morning rite went well. Am also very aware of the fact that phase two of this operation is rapidly approaching, so I’ve been doing some review of notes and some googling to see what others have done for it. Interestingly, the emphasis seems to be on purification–which is where every ounce of my being is screaming towards. This entire operation has its own alchemy and the longer I am in it, the more I am starting to understand it. I also think that everyone’s operation is going to be “flavored” according to their own lifepaths and how their HGAs operate, their individual True Wills, etc. I wonder how mine is both similar and different to others’.

And back to yesterday’s journal entry…they both died of cancer. That is downright freaky, if the news is indeed true. It’s made me think some thoughts, including some ones I’m a little reluctant to have. We’ve lost some very good people to cancer who absolutely did not deserve it: Donald Michael Kraig, Isaac Bonewits (whose group, ADF, I used to be a part of in a past life up until Apollo showed up), and Scott Cunningham. But I also gotta wonder, does being involved in magic and esoteric arts get you Noticed? As in, much less leeway and more likely to collect on karma?

Which brings me to another thought I’ve had before: the whole concept of “Law of Attraction”. Some people tend to assume that this is automatically switched on, leaving you to be susceptible to every form of badness under the sun because you “attracted it”. Maybe having this sort of retroactive “I created it” is empowering to some, but to others it just perpetuates the victimizing and blame game associated with anything from child abuse to rape. No, I’m more apt to argue that unless it’s consciously switched on, everyone is in neutral gear and being blown about to the randomness and whims of the mechanisms of the world at large.

Beltaine celebration this eve. One of the things I noted during the ritual was how used to working with the more receptive elements and forces I had become. Fire is usually my primary element, and I actually had to switch into that gear. That alone told me how different things have become for me.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 43

Morning rite went well. I will say however that my dreams are a little too focused as of late on death and mortality and it needs to stop. It was like that before my friend died, but it’s starting to happen again. None of that crap will help me.

As I type this, I have been messaged with the knowledge that a second person in my life has died who has caused me a great amount of trouble in my past. I never wish nor would wish death upon anyone and I don’t feel that either individual’s crimes warranted death, but I am very much left not knowing what to think. It’s a bit of a shock. I think I’ll digest and post thoughts later. Both of them started out as my friend but then started sexually harassing me despite repeated efforts to brush them off. Each one, after I turned them down, got downright nasty towards me and said some pretty slanderous stuff behind my back. One of them in particular tried to slut-shame me on a well trafficked emailing list back in the day and was met with…well, extreme amusement by me. Nuff said,

Each was a very prominent member of their communities and were relatively well known. Not surprisingly they have hurt others as well; the most recent one in particular did a lot of ugly things to very good people. I am rarely a solitary target in these sorts of matters, which is why I do my best to speak up. Bullies and abusers are bullies and abusers.

I think my official reaction can be summed up as this: it’s sad that each individual was so screwed up in the head that they didn’t realize how badly they hurt others and sought to make amends before it was too late. I was not close to either individual in question but I feel for those who were, and were on good terms with them. Loss is loss, and you have my support and sympathies FWIW.

On a totally different note, fantastic quote on my friends list today:

“Heroes need monsters to establish their heroic credentials. You need something scary to overcome.” -Margaret Atwood

I’ve had a few scary things to overcome and still do. I’m actually hoping the Abramelin operation resolves a pretty big one in particular or at the very least gives me the appropriate tools with which to do so. There’s at least one or two I’d like to see at the business end of my wand at the end of this operation.

Evening rite went…okay, I guess. I’ve got a lot of processing to do, fucktons of purification and healing. I’ve only just begun.

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Abramelin, day 42

First of all…OW. What is it with the non-stop injuries? Now my back is out, and it kept waking me up all night because of the pain. At least because of the last ER visit I now have prescription pain meds so I can sleep? Ugh. At least the brace is now off and my wrist is now fine? Ugh.

Morning rite otherwise went well. Later on in the day I got both a workout and a long walk in, to and from dinner, plus did some laundry.

Had some interesting insights about the astral, namely the idea that it’s made up of “thought stuff”, similar sort of substance of whatever makes up consciousness. Makes sense that part of the astral may serve as the realm of the dead.

The walk plus workout and stretching helped my back and neck, but wondering what sleeping will do. Stillness doesn’t help this sort of thing; keeping the muscle warm is good.

Evening rite went well, performed after rite to Zeus.