Abramelin, day 49

Morning rite went well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The person who gives me the most amount of trouble and reminds me of why it may be necessary to move on from my job is back from vacation. And of course she is once again giving me a hard time over what is ultimately a matter of other people dropping the ball, even with evidence in writing and message history traces and all of it shown in a GoToMeeting call. It’s massively fucked up and it needs to stop. I’m sorry I don’t have the TPS report, the idiot responsible for it gave me the wrong location to get it and now it’s gone. Blame the idiot, not me. ~fin~

I also figured out literally from the moment I was emerging from the depths of sleep to right before bed what the theme of the day has been: recognizing when I’m about to do/say/react to something out of habit and ingrained patterns which no longer serve me, and correct my course of action. Things which easily could’ve led to me pushing people away, speaking in a way which is beneficial to no one, and having emotional reactions to things for no other reason other than deeply ingrained patterns have been recognized and rethought.

Cleanse and purge.

Another theme: recognizing when people are attempting to engage in a power struggle due to ego and choosing when it is necessary to either a) try to do or something something that would be beneficial as opposed to also struggling or b) quietly walking away. It’s helping me to salvage shit, correct my crap, and help me to deal with social stuff better. It’s not even so much that I struggle with the social as much as I tend to be very free with opening my mouth, and not always in a way that’s best for everyone. I can’t listen to all sides and figure out what the hell is really going on behind what everyone is saying if I’m too busy merely reacting to it all.

Cleanse and purge.

Evening rite went well. I just realized I have about two weeks to go until I hit phase two. Craziness.

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