Abramelin, day 163

Morning rite went well.

Got the call to come pick up my kitty and made the appointment, took care of noon rite first then did my errands.

Much of today was spent running around dealing with kitty related stuff: getting the meds, the food, the everything. She’s a sweetie but she’s not loving the dropper of antibiotics and potassium supplements I’m forced to put into her mouth. The insulin shots are just barely doable. And her sister is hissing at her because she smells funny from having been in ICU with lots of others cats and dogs for so long.  I will probably have a visit from my dad to help me with all of this shit. In the meantime I have a very real and painful headache and I’m more than a little overwhelmed. It’s been a rough week.

I need a break.

Got some nice cuddle time with kitties in hallway. Just sort of went to lie down on the floor and suddenly it was purr time. That helped, at least.

Evening rite went well.

I’ll be ending the evening with a lavender filled pillow over my eyes and some painkillers.

Abramelin, day 162

Had a number of vivid dreams last night, but one that stood out in my mind was about the goddess Diana. There was something in it being communicated about the relationship between her being associated with dancing and the bow, something about dance and the bow. It reminded me something of Tai Chi or some form of martial arts. Later I was given an image of three goddesses and were told they were all her, and that monotheists went to the extreme in interpreting this but that “hard” polytheists today don’t get it either. The nature is fluidity, and the goddess Diana is those three and is herself. I don’t know who the three were; the names escape me but it was a triad much in the way that the Moirai is a triad.

I thought I may have been been “tapped” before but this confirms it. Think I’ll need to spend more time with that particular goddess.

Morning rite went well.

Went from one errand to another to visiting my kitty and before I knew it, noon rite was VERY late. But it was done.

Late night visiting the kitty. I hope tomorrow really is the day she can come home.

The stress is getting to me, but I admit shit’s ramping up. I See shit more frequently, I’m way more open. I’m surprised it’s not scaring me more than it is.

Evening rite went well.


Abramelin, day 161

Morning rite went well.

My kitty is doing MUCH better. She may even be able to go home tomorrow night or the Sun morning. I’m quite relieved.

Of course, the rest of the drama is piling on now that I’m no longer stressed my cat’s going to die on me: family drama is bad drama with end of life issues of a grandparent in a large and well, dynamic family. I’m staying the fuck away from that shit as much as possible.  Then there’s work drama–apparently even though I’ve only been there for 5 weeks higher ups are complaining that I’m not doing enough, lolwhut. There’s been little red flags here and there that have told me that while my boss is great, the people above him are nucking futs. I don’t say this lightly. They are exposed to one technology, situation, or method which was not used correctly and therefore are against it ever since, and more than one policy has struck me as going way past micromanaging and into neurotic territory. I am also almost completely confident they cannot afford me full time and are griping about how much I cost in comparison with everyone else there since there’s my hourly wage AND what the agency gets paid on top of that. My boss admitted I cost more than everyone there, including him. In other words I will have to work absolutely harder than everyone there to justify why they brought me on board to begin with with paper trails up the wazoo to prove that I am a functional member of the team. They can’t even afford me now and I’m just barely at the average for my profession and seniority AND have had bad experiences with new people before (note previous comment on neuroses on prior bad experiences with anything). Why they brought me on board as contract to perm and the other new people are perm given their issues I have no idea either; it makes no sense. I don’t see this working out. Then there’s medical insurance drama. I’m going to have to go back to the COBRA plan from my previous employer, which thankfully is still active, as my current agency’s plan is for people who don’t get sick, have generic versions of medicine they require, and don’t need allergy shots on a regular basis. Fucking hell.

Basically I’m going to do my best and not stress out about the work sitch. I’ve had more than one dream about this job that told me things will not work out, and the conversation I had with my boss today was almost word for word what I dreamed about last night when I dreamed of him talking to me. No joke.

I need to become self employed.

Noon rite went well, then kitty visit at the animal hospital.

Rest of day was cuddles with my other kitty then a second visit to the recovering kitty. I am thankful for the three day weekend. I have HAD it. This has been a very, very stressful and shitty week, jeans that were fitted on me last week can now be taken off without unbuttoning them. Again, I do not recommend this weight loss plan. 0 out of 5 stars. On a plus note, I do look great in size 26 skinny jeans. 😛

I recognize that all of this is part of the process and there will ALWAYS be something. But this week was the worst I’ve had since my friend died, and I can’t even think of a worse one prior to that without really getting into some very bad personal history. I sometimes wonder beyond the obviousness of personal development what I am truly gaining from this and whether or not this is helping me to get to where I both need and want to be for the Abramelin vs serving as a distraction.

But hey, if this job ends unexpectedly at least I won’t have to worry about when to take that week off. 😛

Evening rite went okay, I think. I am drained beyond drained.


Abramelin, day 160

Morning rite went well.

My kitty is apparently doing MUCH better today. She’s now not only eating voluntarily but the doctors learned the hard way that she thinks she’s a puppy dog; she’ll eat everything you put in front of her. So they’re spacing it out and giving her small amounts, lol

Noon prayer rite went well.

I have my anxieties about my current job and in addition, when/how to take the week off I need to finish this operation. I still have no sense of when, just “soon”. But I need to give at least a month’s advance notice for something like a week.

A lot less stress now that I know my cat will be okay, but stomach still not happy with me. I do not recommend this weight loss “plan”. 0 out of 5 stars. And my other cat does NOT like being alone and wants more attention than usual, which is a LOT of attention. My poor baby. Both of my poor babies. 🙁

I am so tired. Thankful for the three day weekend. Wishing I had way less stress right now.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 159

Morning rite went well.

It is surreal having only one of my two cats in the house, and the one who is here is definitely in need of more attention than usual.

Noon prayer rite went well. Visited my kitty in the hospital after. She saw me, lifted her head up and meowed a few times. Got head scritches and under the chin rubs, then rested her head on my hand. Much more spirit in her than yesterday.

Family drama is escalating and I’m staying out of it. My hands are pretty full right now. I hope my kitty will spring back after this. She is in increasing health but not out of the woods yet. Provided she stays the course she’ll be okay. Still praying like hell.

Stomach still not handling food too well. Major stress does NOT agree with me and often turns into a real illness if left unchecked. Managed to get lunch in me, tried a snack and my stomach’s been cramping up ever since. Been getting fluids in me, herbal tea and Earl Grey and water.

Visited kitty in hospital again tonight, they had her sedated for a procedure and now have a feeding tube in her. She’s slowly improving. Fingers crossed.

Evening rite went well.


Abramelin, day 158

Morning rite went well.

I will say however that I know why I woke up the previous night the way I did. I had to rush one of my kitties to the clinic, then to the animal hospital. She’s pretty sick, so far they’re saying diabetes and kidney disease. She’s only eight. 🙁 She’s the sweetest teddy bear of a kitty. I’m a wreck. I worked from home, but not really.  I was gone from 11am-5pm for the whole thing. She’ll be in the hospital next 3-4 days.

Noon rite done once I got home.

I think about how this year would’ve gone had I not done the rite and have concluded it’s given me strength I would NOT have had. I don’t even want to contemplate where I’d be right now otherwise. The death of my friend and my cat’s illness and so much of everything else would’ve happened regardless.

I spent the evening watching tv with my other cat. They’re sisters and I don’t think they’ve been apart since they were born.

I don’t recall the last time I’ve prayed so much. Shittiest day I’ve had since I found out my friend died. I hope my kitty pulls through.

Past few days Peter Gabriel’s “Big Time” has been in my head. I don’t know why. I’m also a lot less certain that this operation will go on for as long as I thought it might have. If something freaky happens to my job or I get some sort of “directive” to take a week off in Oct/Nov, I won’t be surprised. I’ll put it like that.

In the meantime, praying like hell to Artemis/Diana for my cat.

Evening rite went…well, about as well as it can be.


Abramelin, day 157

Woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. “Heard” one of my kitties crying, then about 15 minutes later she was scratching at my door and mewing like crazy. Went outside, cuddled her and my other kitty, went back to bed, still couldn’t get to sleep until maybe 6am. By the time I finally did, I wound up dreaming of waking up the next day, being far too tired for my own good, and getting into the car and suddenly I was full blown, wide open: I could equally see the astral plane/psychic realm just as clearly as the physical world, both at once. And I knew that driving like that would not be a good thing.

Woke up later than normal time, morning rite went as well as expected. The drive to work was not quite as intense as the dream predicted but note to self, sleep is important. I couldn’t help it but today was full blown, sleep depped madness.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk after.

Went to the movies and dinner tonight by myself, got back home. Still sleep depped madness.

Gods help me.

It hit me that my problem is not that I need to become more psychic; I’m more than psychic enough. The key is being open to what’s already there. Once that wall is blown wide open and I can open and close it more readily by will alone, things will get more interesting.

Evening rite went well. Goodnight Night Vale, goodnight.

Abramelin, day 156

Dreamed a former friend of mine woke up to his codependent relationship and decided to divorce his wife, and I heard about it second hand. I was happy for him but knew he’d probably be back in the same pattern with someone else.

Morning rite went well.

I’m going to attempt something different for today versus the typical “fasting” crap that kept making me ill. Healthy smoothies, dried fruit, nuts, seeds, veggies, etc. It’ll make me feel good, will be healthy, and something different from the norm. We’ll see how that goes instead. That and tea, of course.

Samhain is beating on my brain. I don’t ordinarily feel this in the air until September, but it’s starting early this year. Either it’s the weather, I’m just that more sensitive to the energies of the approaching season, or something with my personal alchemy is screaming “change is coming, the veil is getting thinner”. There is admittedly an internal weirdness going on. On one hand I feel like I’m on the edge of something very important but on the other I feel like something very crucial is missing. I feel like I’m about to board a train and I’m just waiting for it to show up but I don’t even know if I’m at the right platform.

Noon rite went well.

I feel like I’m about to accomplish something next to impossible and utterly magical, or possibly might crash and burn. There’s an issue I badly need to resolve, but I don’t foresee any way to do so prior to completing the Abramelin. I’ll either need to make it work for me or get it taken care of. I really don’t know what to do.

Evening rite went okay, but so much shit to deal with. I just want it resolved already, even if it means I’m on the 18 month course.


Abramelin, day 155

Morning rite went well.

Today was a strange day in general. I spent a good chunk of it online after getting a ton of errands done. I felt very productive after running around all morning so I felt better about relaxing.

Note to self: I don’t get enough downtime and I need to stop feeling bad about taking it.

Noon rite went well.

Was up VERY late, incredibly loud party in the house behind me that made me feel like I was back to my college dorm days. Cranked up my Spotify to play ocean waves over their ruckus so I could finally get to sleep before 1am.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 154

Morning rite went well.

I have zero clue of what I should be doing with myself. Work is going well. It’s what I need it to be. As for the rest, I don’t know where I’m heading but to just keep going on.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk afterward.

I feel like I’m coming full circle with some things from my past. Someone hit the rewind button or I’m just visiting. I’m thinking more the latter. I’m also thinking that so much of this, I’m finding, isn’t helpful. I’m not picking up the pieces I need. What’s missing?

I’m not looking to escape; I’m looking to move forward. I understand that I need to dive deep into this world to have anything to do with what I’m seeking and have true manifestation, but there’s so much white noise and chaos. How do I get through to what’s truly relevant?

Evening rite went well. I am absolutely wiped.