Abramelin, day 153

Morning rite went well.

Yesterday feels like ages ago but the aftermath still remains. I’m in a very different headspace and I really think it’s going to make anything vaguely social even more of a challenge. I spaced out during the walk with my boss and coworker when they were talking to me, gods. How the fuck do I do this?

Noon prayer rite went well, walk after.

More drama. I wish I could say that this was unusual and that none of this started until recently, but this is like…year old drama from people who are for unknown reasons obsessed with me and think I am evil incarnate. Wow.

The urge to get away from it all, is all too strong.

It occurred to me the other night how we take what we see around us for granted. That there are sets of rules, stability, and an order to things. That reality has a form, or we would slowly descend into madness if we survived it at all.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 152

Morning rite went well.

And yes, finally, at long last, the one issue that I put on the backburner to deal with the more pressing and important shit has FINALLY come up and is actually gaining some ground. I take it as a good sign; it will be the toughest fucking shit I will have to deal with during this entire operation and the fact that I CAN deal with it right now has to be a good thing. However…at the same time, it’s an energy suck. I don’t have the bandwidth and so much of it is steeped in intense drama llama. I don’t think I can handle this right now. I don’t even think there’s a constructive way in which to do so. Simply put: I don’t think I’m ready and I don’t have bandwidth/resources.

Noon prayer rite went well.

Fought with some online bullshit. Gods, what a time waster. Why? Bullshit stalkers who obsess over me to the point of insanity and harass everyone who comes near me as a result, and they don’t even know who I am. Even anonymity can’t save from such types; I can’t even source mild Internet fame in small corners as the cause of this, and other people have been dragged into it and are getting harassed too. Gods help me.

Evening rite went okay, but I am beyond frustrated. I’m past whining and am to the point of ranting. Way too much in the way of drama dumped in my lap in various corners of my life. I have begged my gods to either find a way for it to be resolved or table it until after K&C. I can’t afford the mental/emotional/psychic suck right now. I just can’t.

Please dear gods, aid me in purging my personal bullshit. Properly prepare me to get my shit in gear so that I may complete this rite successfully. Please.

 

Abramelin, day 151

I had the strangest, most vivid dreams. I kept accidentally traveling through time, would randomly go from one to the next. I couldn’t keep track. One moment it was 2010, next it was 3000 and I was afraid to go outside and see if humanity hadn’t managed to totally fuck itself up. Well it hadn’t, but I was levitating in the street and so were other people. Hm. I finally got back to my own time, and was told that at my current job, every perm employee had to have one of their teeth extracted and spend the next four months spending as much time standing as possible in order to fully recover from the surgery. They recommended taking up painting during that time.

No drugs or meds, I swear.

Morning rite went well.

Also, this fasting thing? It’s not working out. I’m either Doing It Wrong or it’s just not what I need to be doing. Nearly every time I do it, I am set to get sick, screw up my digestive system, all sorts of madness. I was in the bathroom WAY too much today owing probably due to what I ate after not having eaten the whole day. I’m wondering if I just need to do some sort of raw thing, juicing thing, I don’t know what thing, but I’m just not reaping the benefits of this other than proving I can torture myself for the cause. There HAS to be a better way.

Noon prayer rite went well.

I gotta figure my shit out, but I have gained some nice keys and insights, thanks to Saturday night.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 150

Morning rite went well.

I am facing the total certainty that I will not be done in six months’ time. I have also realized that if I take the week off while still a contractor, I lose an entire week’s pay. Given my financial situation I can’t risk that without proper preparation and/or some additional financial support.

I need to be properly prepared on all levels. There’s making sacrifices and taking risks, and then there’s just plain being sensible. I don’t know what to do.

I am remembering more and more of last night’s ritual. I had a vision of my HGA on the other side of a wall with cracks and holes beginning to show. He just stood there, waiting.

Noon rite done much later than noon because I spaced, owing to intense sinus headache and feeling almost like I am hungover. Today was fasting day which did not help.

Evening rite went well, crashed VERY early.

 

Abramelin, day 149

Morning rite went well.

Due to life circumstances, noon was a prayer rite in the car but done nonetheless.

I have realized that I am on autopilot. I have truly been reset to the way I was prior to what I refer to as The Incident, before 2007, and I don’t know how to properly integrate it with everything that’s happened since. I babble in social settings, at work, I can’t shut the fuck up. Am I overcompensating? Am I donning the “this is my public space, I swear I haven’t checked out due to Abramelin”? I don’t know. It’s almost like I’m manic.

Attended a ritual in honor of Diana, received a most intriguing oracle, could not come back to earth or ground after that ritual. It was intense, very intense.

Evening rite went well. I have a lot to chew on about what happened during that rite and other things, crashed for about 8-9 hours of sleep that night.

Abramelin, day 148

Morning rite went well.

Noon prayer rite went as expected, got my walk after.

The days are beginning to feel like Groundhog Day and yet the weeks are flying by. Everything’s blurring together and I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. There’s this major event here, that major event there but I can’t tell how far apart they are anymore. Things are beginning to repeat. I can’t say it’s deja vu; I just feel like I’m caught in some neverending wheel.

I need a lengthy vacation and it’s not coming anytime soon.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 147

Morning rite went well. Grateful to work from home today.

Noon prayer rite went well also.

I spent a good chunk of the day either working or just recharging my personal batteries. I got my morning workout in and got some errands and cleaning done, just enough to be productive but also gave myself some personal time. I think I needed it.

I think I’m a bit taxed, a bit down, and badly in need of rejuvenation.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 146

Morning rite went well. I managed to get more sleep again. I am MUCH better, back to workouts but still on the mend.

Noon prayer rite went well.

I have moments of realizing that I am becoming impatient with myself and the process. I am also feeling like I am drifting. Am I at a standstill, or is this the calm before the storm?

I hope to be properly prepared.

Evening rite went well, off to bed early and will be working from home tomorrow.

Abramelin, day 145

Morning rite went well. Doing MUCH better health-wise but went to doctor’s office just in case. It’s been declared a virus and I have two prescriptions to help with the remaining symptoms.

Noon prayer rite got done late, but done.

“Prepare” is the new word and request that’s been included in my prayers during the rites as of late. Prepare me for what’s to come, what I need to accomplish.

I am losing track of time and days. I am very out of it. I am functional at work, better than that even, but things are going away from me.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 144

Morning rite went okay, albeit a bit brief. I got in a workout but found myself not feeling well and getting worse as the day went on. My boss wound up sending me home.

Got my noon prayer rite in, at least.

Got the news that Robin Williams died today. I knew him as Mork from Mork & Mindy and had a huge crush on him as a child. That makes nearly everyone I’ve ever had a crush on from childhood to teenaged years dead. Someone please wrap up John de Lancie in bubble wrap; he’s the last one left standing.

Evening rite went well, crashed early.