Abramelin, day 71

Morning rite went well. Today my stomach was in knots because I was utterly terrified I would be let go with no severance, unemployment insurance, etc, and was wondering if I would have to quit to avoid it.

My interview went well, and even went a few hours overtime. My fingers are crossed.

I came home to a Skype chat with my boss, who basically said it as I felt: I don’t belong in this role, and I belong in a programming role instead. He said that if such a role were available in the company he’d move me there. He wants to give me a positive reference and said HR would be in touch with me for COBRA, severance, etc. I still have their laptop so I suspect they’d want that back (and I wonder if that made my outcome more positive for me), and I have belongings at the office too.

I now know what that dream I had a few nights ago meant. I feel so much more at peace now, I really do. One huge, massive weight off my mind…now to tackle the others, and to find a job that would serve me far better in the long run.

A few thoughts I had during this time:

  1. It’s very hard to focus on self-evolution when you’re geared towards survival. Far be it from me to say that anything was on hold while this was going on, but it took up a LOT of my energy which needs to be geared towards personal and spiritual development.
  2. I think I need to find a job that will give me enough peace of mind and abundance that the time and energy for my side businesses would come through more readily. That way I stop being so focused on leaving IT and start being more focused on health and wellness in all facets of my life. Once again, LOA isn’t so bad.

Thank you gods. Thank you Hermes. Thank you HGA. Thank you all of my benevolent helpers and to anyone who offered me energies, prayers, and good thoughts during this time.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 70


Morning rite went well. My daily struggles with job and job hunting continue. I think the stress hit its all-time high today. Was IMed by a co-worker, then my boss, asking where I was. I had already sent out an email saying I would be out all week. Suddenly it’s “Where are you?” followed by “Will you be in tomorrow?” I need to find a clever excuse to continue working from home until I have a new job.

My mom is getting into her crazies again. I was taking a shower, and she came in and turned off all the lights on me. Somehow she didn’t know I was taking a shower, didn’t hear the water, I don’t know what. It’s a small bathroom. It’s going to be a long couple of days, and I really won’t be lying when I tell my boss I had to be home because my mother requires constant supervision.

Add all of this plus personal drama and attempting to focus on the Abramelin, and…holy hell, I am exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I have two final interviews, one tomorrow and one on Tuesday. I pray to the gods that one of them pans out into something awesome that is a mutually good fit so I can get the hell out of here.

Gods help me.

Evening rite went well. It may have been my longest one yet. This has been the most challenging week I’ve had since my friend died.

Abramelin, day 69

A strange dream about the lights suddenly going out outside my home startled me awake, and I realized it was sunrise. Managed to sneak into my temple room and do the rite. It went well.

Had another dream too about an old friend, someone who had become toxic due to an abusive relationship and whose friendship I had to cut off. I very rarely dream about her anymore and I wonder what it means. She had been my closest friend prior to the nonsense and in a very real way I often feel like she died and someone else had taken her place. I remember something in the dream about an anime convention, I think in San Fran. Very strange.

Today starts another day of working from home, job hunting, and my parents being here. I get to hear ALL about the family drama. My mom sounds about as stressed as I am if not more so, albeit for very different reasons. Right now her being here is a vacation for her and a chance to mentally and physically unwind. Not a bad thing.

I had two phone interviews today.First was a screening from HR, the second was putting me through the technical ringer. I feel confident that I did my best but man did some of that shit get in depth.

Got yet another person who was very, very upset at me posting publicly about my experiences with the Abramelin. Quoth he: “Most Masters would advise you to keep a separation between your magical and mundane selves.” I informed him that no true Master would EVER say that. First of all…such a separation does not exist. They are one in the same. Secondly…such a false dichotomy would set you up for some serious personality disorders. Key is integration, not separation. I am doing this rite with a job, while job hunting, and dealing with every day matters. You do not need to divorce yourself from the world to do this operation; you only need to be mindful of the alchemy and be receptive to what follows. As time goes on…yes, I can guarantee I will be a lot quieter online, save for these entries.

I may write a book after this based on this blog and include the entries in them with commentary.

I have a lot going on and a lot on my mind. I am trying to find the best approach, and in my prayers has been the same request: whatever happens, have it help me with the Abramelin as opposed to hurting me.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 68

Morning rite went well.

Today is the day my parents show up and stay here until I don’t even know when, hopefully Sat and no later. My mom hasn’t even been allowed in my house for over six years now. I don’t want to get into the specifics of that, but suffice to say she has a genuine personality disorder and zero sense of boundaries. I’m just sad that it took me until I was almost 30 to do it. Meanwhile, they are house hunting in southern NH which means I get to host them. They will mostly be here in the evenings but yes, my routine will be pretty disrupted. I’ll just find a way to take care of what I need to for the operation while they are here and will consider this my test of handling and upholding boundary issues.

This also is my excuse to work from home, which I need to do so I can find a job and interview. I had a dream that I had some interview with some crazy person and I couldn’t find where they were located. I kept circling around and around and calling them to let them know I was terribly lost, and where the hell were they? I couldn’t remember the street name but they were in some corporate building, suit 15K. Weird.

In contrast to the rest of the weekend, my energy levels are through the roof today. This is good as I will need it. But I also suspect it’s the adrenalin I’m experiencing from knowing what I will be dealing with this week. I have to be focused and on point, and mindful. I can neither second guess my intuition nor be too stressed that I am blocked from it. I also need to remember how I would feel and behave if my two biggest stressors right now weren’t issues and/or were already resolved, and act and feel accordingly. LOA has its purpose.

I keep wondering what would happen if I were to apply to these places with a male name at the top of my resume; would I still receive the same amount of bullshit I get from some of these places? I am guessing not. I’ve had people yell at me to not leave this field, that we need more women in it. Thing is, I’ve put my sixteen years’ worth in and owe no one nothing nor have anything to prove. For the sake of my sanity I have to get out. My original game plan to go into contracting and stay in there until my side jobs get to a good point needs to happen. I’ve made the exception twice now for full time employment since that happened and each time that ended in misery, once with a layoff after I had survived three and well…this place. No more. Absolutely no more. I never again want to try and invest in a place that won’t invest in me and treats me as a disposable commodity.

Evening rite went okay, but with the sort of secrecy and paranoia of being caught like you’re a teenager with your boyfriend at your parents’ house while they’re asleep and you’re trying to get it on. Except this was me sneaking into my temple room while my parents were in different rooms and occupied. Yeah.

Abramelin, day 67

Morning rite went well. I awoke from a few interesting dreams, one of which where I was 22 again and my birthday was approaching: 22 on the 22nd. There was another where I was laid off from my job but given two million in severance, one million which went into my 401K. And there was a third which reminded me yet again of how much more I need to work on and what I’ve lost prior to starting this operation. Some things just stay with you, haunting you like ghosts, and every time I think I have answers I don’t and I’m right back to square one. I’m beginning to feel like Charlie Brown with that damned football.

Got my workouts done for the day, got some relaxing time in, and got to contemplate the contemplating stuff. I still have some good books on my Kindle that I’m working my way through, and I think part of this can also be taken care of by meditating on each of my gods and figuring out where I’m doing okay in and need to keep on doing, what I need to change, and what I need to chuck out the window or kill it with fire. From there can also look into personal development books that tap into that subjects.

Also been thinking about living myth, metafiction, modern myth, religion, and all of its intersections. What does it mean to manifest such things in everyday world?

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 66

Morning rite went okay. I am struggling with all sorts of craziness, psychically speaking. Vivid visions that are more like dreams.

Also struggling to interpret the two hour contemplation part of this phase. There are no holy texts in my faith, and I’m running out of books. I also read VERY fast, which doesn’t help. I will need to find other appropriate things to do.

The house I grew up in is now for sale online, as my parents are preparing to move. I’m staring at pictures of the bedroom I lived in from the time I was five until I went off to college at aged seventeen. It’s a bit surreal.

Evening rite went okay, but once again…completely drained, wiped, etc. I think the stress is getting to me and I needed the downtime .

Abramelin, day 65

Morning rite went well. Ramping up the prayers to get me to a better situation. I need to leave this job voluntarily and I need to prepare myself to get self employed. Getting back into contracting may be the way to go.

Today was another day of relaxing, workouts, and contemplating what I want to draw into my life, improve in my life, change in my life. How am I handling these problems that they keep coming back to haunt me?

Evening rite went okay, but I was wiped. I need to curb my Internet habits. They’re not helping me as they are.

Abramelin, day 64

Morning rite went okay. I’m back to whining at this point because two pressing issues that have been issues for the past few years are STILL issues and no matter what I do, neither will budge. I don’t know if it’s timing, trying too hard, or what. But they are massive sources of stress which need to end.

Some insights I’ve had on both problems: each one was an issue which escalated into a larger issue when I did not assert my boundaries, acknowledge my feelings, and treat what I was feeling or thinking as valid–worse yet, allowed myself to feel guilty for having them by myself and others.

Today I had a phone interview. It went well, but the moment I heard the words uttered, “We get together on weekends to solve coding problems” I felt the distinct urge to run away in terror. I like my career but nowhere near that much, I’m sorry. Actually, that’s a lie…I’m not sorry. Not in the least bit. I KNOW of programmers who are that passionate about their jobs and what they do, but I’m just not one of them. Those who are…gods bless ya.

I will be working from home for the foreseeable future, at least all next week due to a) parents being in town and b) interviews. Not much of a choice there.

Spent day online dealing with recruiters, working out, and on FB trying to decompress.

Evening rite went okay. I feel very…unfocused, aimless, and generally clueless. And also overwhelmed.


Abramelin, day 63

Morning rite went well. I worked from home and spent my day job hunting and working out. I have a lot on my mind: where am I going and what am I doing wrong that certain stresses keep happening to me? I’ve done my best to examine the situation from all sides. I know I need to leave IT at some point but if I’m not earning enough income on my secondary jobs/careers to do that, how can I?

I need to do a lot of Jupiter and Mercury work, and start getting creative.

My energy levels despite the workouts were non-existent. I kept nodding off in the afternoon. I don’t know why I’m so drained today.

Attended a chat at night for Dionysos contemplation and discussion, and then bedtime.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 62

Morning rite went well.

Then I got into work and had the shit massively hit the fan. A recruiter emailed my work account to ask me if I was the appropriate person to contact in order to see if he can help my company to hire for a position they have online. And that position…is my position.

Pretty cool, right? 😛

So I told him what the deal was, and thanked him for the heads-up.

I’ve been looking for a sign that I need to move on, and this is clearly it. I’m now aggressively job hunting so I can leave before I am tossed out.

I never long for the “good ol’ days”. I’m not someone who looks back on my past and thinks, “Gee, I wish I could go back there.” I’ve never known what that was like. I found myself thinking today that I missed being in my 20s because it was so much simpler, less stressful, and less filled with bullshit.

I’m still in that “purify me of all my bullshit” phase.

I am absolutely wiped. Evening rite went well, crashed after.