Abramelin, day 68

Morning rite went well.

Today is the day my parents show up and stay here until I don’t even know when, hopefully Sat and no later. My mom hasn’t even been allowed in my house for over six years now. I don’t want to get into the specifics of that, but suffice to say she has a genuine personality disorder and zero sense of boundaries. I’m just sad that it took me until I was almost 30 to do it. Meanwhile, they are house hunting in southern NH which means I get to host them. They will mostly be here in the evenings but yes, my routine will be pretty disrupted. I’ll just find a way to take care of what I need to for the operation while they are here and will consider this my test of handling and upholding boundary issues.

This also is my excuse to work from home, which I need to do so I can find a job and interview. I had a dream that I had some interview with some crazy person and I couldn’t find where they were located. I kept circling around and around and calling them to let them know I was terribly lost, and where the hell were they? I couldn’t remember the street name but they were in some corporate building, suit 15K. Weird.

In contrast to the rest of the weekend, my energy levels are through the roof today. This is good as I will need it. But I also suspect it’s the adrenalin I’m experiencing from knowing what I will be dealing with this week. I have to be focused and on point, and mindful. I can neither second guess my intuition nor be too stressed that I am blocked from it. I also need to remember how I would feel and behave if my two biggest stressors right now weren’t issues and/or were already resolved, and act and feel accordingly. LOA has its purpose.

I keep wondering what would happen if I were to apply to these places with a male name at the top of my resume; would I still receive the same amount of bullshit I get from some of these places? I am guessing not. I’ve had people yell at me to not leave this field, that we need more women in it. Thing is, I’ve put my sixteen years’ worth in and owe no one nothing nor have anything to prove. For the sake of my sanity I have to get out. My original game plan to go into contracting and stay in there until my side jobs get to a good point needs to happen. I’ve made the exception twice now for full time employment since that happened and each time that ended in misery, once with a layoff after I had survived three and well…this place. No more. Absolutely no more. I never again want to try and invest in a place that won’t invest in me and treats me as a disposable commodity.

Evening rite went okay, but with the sort of secrecy and paranoia of being caught like you’re a teenager with your boyfriend at your parents’ house while they’re asleep and you’re trying to get it on. Except this was me sneaking into my temple room while my parents were in different rooms and occupied. Yeah.

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