Abramelin, day 161

Morning rite went well.

My kitty is doing MUCH better. She may even be able to go home tomorrow night or the Sun morning. I’m quite relieved.

Of course, the rest of the drama is piling on now that I’m no longer stressed my cat’s going to die on me: family drama is bad drama with end of life issues of a grandparent in a large and well, dynamic family. I’m staying the fuck away from that shit as much as possible.  Then there’s work drama–apparently even though I’ve only been there for 5 weeks higher ups are complaining that I’m not doing enough, lolwhut. There’s been little red flags here and there that have told me that while my boss is great, the people above him are nucking futs. I don’t say this lightly. They are exposed to one technology, situation, or method which was not used correctly and therefore are against it ever since, and more than one policy has struck me as going way past micromanaging and into neurotic territory. I am also almost completely confident they cannot afford me full time and are griping about how much I cost in comparison with everyone else there since there’s my hourly wage AND what the agency gets paid on top of that. My boss admitted I cost more than everyone there, including him. In other words I will have to work absolutely harder than everyone there to justify why they brought me on board to begin with with paper trails up the wazoo to prove that I am a functional member of the team. They can’t even afford me now and I’m just barely at the average for my profession and seniority AND have had bad experiences with new people before (note previous comment on neuroses on prior bad experiences with anything). Why they brought me on board as contract to perm and the other new people are perm given their issues I have no idea either; it makes no sense. I don’t see this working out. Then there’s medical insurance drama. I’m going to have to go back to the COBRA plan from my previous employer, which thankfully is still active, as my current agency’s plan is for people who don’t get sick, have generic versions of medicine they require, and don’t need allergy shots on a regular basis. Fucking hell.

Basically I’m going to do my best and not stress out about the work sitch. I’ve had more than one dream about this job that told me things will not work out, and the conversation I had with my boss today was almost word for word what I dreamed about last night when I dreamed of him talking to me. No joke.

I need to become self employed.

Noon rite went well, then kitty visit at the animal hospital.

Rest of day was cuddles with my other kitty then a second visit to the recovering kitty. I am thankful for the three day weekend. I have HAD it. This has been a very, very stressful and shitty week, jeans that were fitted on me last week can now be taken off without unbuttoning them. Again, I do not recommend this weight loss plan. 0 out of 5 stars. On a plus note, I do look great in size 26 skinny jeans. 😛

I recognize that all of this is part of the process and there will ALWAYS be something. But this week was the worst I’ve had since my friend died, and I can’t even think of a worse one prior to that without really getting into some very bad personal history. I sometimes wonder beyond the obviousness of personal development what I am truly gaining from this and whether or not this is helping me to get to where I both need and want to be for the Abramelin vs serving as a distraction.

But hey, if this job ends unexpectedly at least I won’t have to worry about when to take that week off. 😛

Evening rite went okay, I think. I am drained beyond drained.


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