Up at dawn, so I did the morning rite in a timely fashion. Funny how that works. My dreams these days have been strange, last night’s was no exception. In one of them, I was getting my hair done and I looked completely like someone else, had someone else’s face, and had short, spiky blonde hair. In the past few nights I’ve also been dreaming about many levels and floors of some large building, floods and terrorism, etc. The constant are those floors and going up and down from one to the next. I have become aware that there are two parts of me: one that is fearful, anxious, and freaking out and another which is at peace, in tune with my gods, and connected in a way that I am not always able to be, at least consciously. It is this part of me I feel is connected with my HGA and is most aware of his presence.
Today was more “coincidences” piled on top of more “coincidences”. I can’t help but put those into quotes. I think of how I’m ten days away from phase three and I really don’t feel remotely prepared.
I bought a book on someone’s experiences with mediumship; I think I need it.
Morning rite went well. It must be added, however, that the purification thing? Not kidding around. No leeway. I started doing laundry so fast this morning I was freaking out my cats. I still don’t know if what I saw was a hallucination upon awakening or some really huge ass bug was on my blanket, but gods. Purification is a serious thing.
I wanted to go for a fasting day too, but I wound up in a place where someone (very Italian) went out of their absolute way to make me vegan food and I utterly cannot violate hospitality rules (Greeks and Italians have much in common). So I will do it on another day, but today regardless was laundry to wash bedding, ritual bath, and regular rite to Apollo.
As I was reading last night before I fell asleep, it hit me: this entire rite has been reprogramming my subconscious in a very deliberate and intentional fashion. This is a definite. I am not the same person with the same reactions that I had to events and things 101 days ago, and quite frankly this is a blessing I can’t even begin to get into in my online journal entries here, nor would I want to. Suffice to say I had a lot of healing work to undergo and what has taken place for me is nothing short of a miracle.
However…I still have a LONG way to go in a lot of respects and in many ways I can’t honestly see how I’d possibly be done by the 6 month mark, but I don’t know if I can see me taking as long as 18 months either.
Evening rite went okay, but feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.
I spent all of today socializing and professionally networking. Some of it involved interacting with alumni from my college, people I had hung out with on a regular basis over a decade ago. The whole thing got me thinking about my past, what I took away from it, what I left behind, and whether or not I had any regrets as to how I lived it.
I have always been busy busy busy, ridiculously busy, just trying to fit everything in. And I’m wondering if all of those things I tried to fit in were genuinely important on a bigger scale. As much as I have in my life right now, I have less going on. It’s calmer. I’m more…focused.
Evening rite went well.
I found myself thinking before I fell asleep that I was very much not ready for phase three let alone the completion of this operation. I stressed over this for a good couple of minutes before the thinking part of my mind kicked in and realized what that meant.
Morning rite went well. I had some interesting dreams which made me realize once more that purifications still are necessary. However, I am pissing off all of the right forces in this world, and quite all right with that.
I sometimes wonder if this whole operation will be like uniting Jadzia with Dax, and then I remember that I am a nerd on many, many fronts.
Some valuable lessons learned today on the self employment front. The goal is looking closer than ever. By the gods, this would be amazing.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I also have a great deal I still need to work on. So much of this is “wax on, wax off”–when do I hit the deep stuff? But I guess it’s all deep stuff in the end, and I needed to come out of my fortress of solitude and make some lasting effects in the waking world. What am I ultimately being prepared for?
I started out the work day with prayers, then got to working…and thinking. Cultivating that mindfulness remains a challenge, but I “check in” every now and again to make sure I’m not overly stressing myself out and/or going into auto pilot. Setting my own schedule and working my own rules, could be too easy to do.
I feel very strongly I’ve been given the opportunity to become self employed and am in the process of doing so. I must also maintain my focus. At least this isn’t a “new” business; it’s just the opportunity to do it full time, be consistent with it, and learn how to manage it better. I’m essentially moving from hobby to career with it, and it’s honestly what I need. It’s what I’d rather be doing full time.
I may be traveling in a week to visit my dad for a few days while my mom is away.
Today is Zeus day, so I did a small offering rite for him after this evening’s rite.
Something that is wonderful right now about this situation: I get to live every day like I’m self employed. No interviews, just purely working on my side business. I’ve been very inconsistent with it, and it’s showed. Now things are exploding, and while it’s not an income I can live off of just yet it’s becoming likely that in the future I can–and not some far off, distant future either. The thought fills me with amazing amounts of joy like no one would ever believe. Gods I am blessed.
If I ever travel to a world where the gods can take on physical manifestation, I owe Hermes–not to mention the rest of my gods–a HUGE hug. No joke.
If I needed any major signs that I am on the right track, I have them. And I am grateful.
I still have stresses to deal with as far as the next job goes. As in, depending on the background check I may not start until July 21st. Interestingly that’s around the time I should be starting phase 3. Interesting.
Everything else, however, is falling into place. I wonder how ironic it would be if I were to get my self employment in gear before they get their own asses in gear.
I stayed up too late but managed to get my evening rite in, which went okay. Of course with schedule changes comes time management. I’ll iron out the kinks and be mindful.
Morning rite went well. Lots of recruiter contacts and a face to face interview. That interview went very well, and I received an offer this afternoon.
I remember “hearing” a day or two ago that I will “not get the job I want but will get the one I need”. I think that this suits. What I need is something stable, consistent, and will allow me to grow my side business enough to go full time with that instead. I’m also going into this with a far better feeling than my previous job, which is a good thing as well.
I really do believe that much of my experiences with the Abramelin so far have been very “wax on, wax off” and “compound effect”.
Evening rite went well. I pray that this job will be the right one, and will help me and not hinder me in all of my goals in all facets of my life. I need to evolve, I need to be worthy of my Holy Guardian Angel.
Today I went the entire day traveling, during which time I had the chance to reflect on a few things. More and more “coincidences”–I put that in quotes because no such thing exists, really–keep happening, and are guiding me towards things, people, and opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Tomorrow I have a face to face interview. It will be whatever it will be.
Some realizations I’ve had: I’ve been either trying too hard and doing the wrong things, banging my head and wondering why it doesn’t work, or doing the right things but inconsistently. I need to work smarter, not harder. I need to strike that balance between putting in the work and the organization I badly need to do, but also do the “non-working work”. I need to know when to do one versus the other. I need to know how to do both. And the lessons I’ve been learning in the so-called material world apply to every level and facet of my life. Wax on, wax off.
I am a work in progress. I am wet clay.
I had to get things quieter. Everything’s so subtle. You have to be in listening mode, but not trying too hard to be in listening mode. Everything around you has to be quiet enough to get it through. I relaxed enough for it to get through the cracks, and now I see what happens when I am no longer stressed, on edge, and in alert mode: I can receive what I need to receive. But it’s so subtle.