Wow, my dreams last night were fucked up. NO idea what brought those about, but seriously not cool. Some serious purification/cleansing is in order. Cleanse and purge indeed.

Morning rite went well, considering.

Day went okay. A few trying moments at work from the usual suspects but otherwise fine. This evening however was…chaotic. Too much multitasking to try to get stuff done, wound up completely fried.

I did however reach some valuable insights on a longtime problem that’s been troubling me, and I think it’ll also help me immensely with the Abramelin operation. I need to sit on it and meditate some more on precisely how to go about it, but I think I’m finally off on the right track. There are also some things I want to guard myself from in the process, and I think I touched upon a few of them tonight. In essence, I need to reclaim some stuff that was lost but without discarding stuff I’ve gained. Already in realizing what I need to do I have found myself pulled back today into shit I haven’t been involved with in years, including some old Internet habits which will Serve Me No Good. I may need to cut back on my Facebooking or find a way to be more moderate with it. I’m sorry, folks, but I have a big mouth and when I see certain things I have to speak up. It’s a huge part of my personality for better and for worse. At times it’s beneficial and at times it sucks me into drama llama which is more distracting than useful. I will however admit to enjoying batting around the occasional Internet troll with my paw (insert cat imagery here). They amuse me far more than they annoy me.

Today’s theme at work, in dreams, and online seemed to be all about Bullies and How to Respond to Them. It seems that for the most part and in most cases, humor utterly disarms them. Unfortunately in some settings that’s not always possible.

Evening rite went well. It’s interesting how I have these little quiet insights that slip into my mind, sometimes while doing the rite. They’re useful. Tomorrow I leave to visit family, and as promised, it’s “do your best and forget the rest”, as Tony Horton of P90X fame would say. If you can do the Abramelin while sick and unable to leave your bed, you can do it while traveling. I put some crystals consecrated with Abramelin oil in the corners of the room and on the Abramelin altar, and plan to bring those with me as sort of my traveling temple room, so to speak. I won’t be able to do candles, incense, etc but I can still do the prayers and keep up the fight.

No excuses. All obstacles are a part of the rite and are a necessity to growth.

Also some nice insight in abundance and attracting abundance not just in terms of health and wealth but also time. I never feel like I have enough. It’s time to start attracting some more.

Didn’t get to do much of the purification and cleansing I wanted to, but I got some laundry from my bedding done. It’s a start.

Morning rite went…okay. Whining has escalated to begging and pleading. I know that my life cannot remain the way it’s been, and I cannot continue to live it like this. I won’t say that I’m typically terrified of change, but when you’re more afraid that things will remain the same versus changing, it’s typically a sign.

I gotta say though…I am feeling FRIED. Like “I need a vacation” fried. Is this normal? I’m feeling very off balance, out of sync, and drained. Maybe it’s the stress, I don’t know.

Finished reading Joe Vitale’s The Remembering Process. About to reread a few books I haven’t read in a while that I know are pretty useful. Definitely will need to think of other good books to read which I haven’t yet which would be useful as sources of inspiration. I could use some.

Evening rite went well. Am incredibly tired and will undoubtedly pass out not long after posting this.

Morning rite went well. I continue to be under the impression that my HGA is not impressed with my bullshit, but I have no idea how much of that is projection. I am my own worst critic, after all.

I am down to my last couple of tealights so bought some more today.

Work was trying, but I actually got a 5 alarm fire resolved so that was good. I wish for more days like today in that regard.

Lots of personal bullshit and issues to toss onto the pyre, some of them ongoing for years. I decided to take a long walk home today and I don’t know if it was good for me or not. I did get drenched due to the torrential downpour. Spoke with a friend after, got some insights, and now it’s like someone let the air out of the balloon. I’m so fucking exhausted. I’m painfully aware of how many people depend on me for one thing or another and I’m barely reliable for myself. Ugh.

Seven years is a long time for a Dark Night of the Soul, isn’t it? I’m very nearly there.

Evening rite went well. I found myself praying for one thing over and over again: I want to be awake. Please help me to wake up.

Cleanse and purge.

Morning rite went well. I think. Painfully aware of how much bullshit I need to purge.

Finished the Holy Guardian Angel book today. I plan to digest, read some more personal development books, then give it a re-read.

I am realizing that I don’t have a lot of quiet time. I go to work, I workout, I watch tv while I workout, I go online, etc. I need to cut back on the amount of time I spend online and use it for reading, meditating, etc. I think I’m entirely too used to distracting myself from all of the stress I typically have on a regular basis.

My mortgage refi closing has been delayed, tentatively scheduled for my birthday. Ha. Taxes are filed. Job is still…well.  I am finding myself less and less motivated due to the amount of stress they put on me and the lack of any positive feedback when I bust my ass to get everything done. I am also painfully aware of the fact that the team I am on is a leaky boat and I’ve been given a thimble to help get the water out. I am thankfully poised and prepared financially should I get laid off for any reason so no stress there–I’ve prepared for that well in the past month or so.

I am trying to focus on one day at a time, but there are days when I feel like I’m flailing. Today is one of them. I need to manage my time better or I will not be able to keep up with the changes as they occur. I am doing my best to remind myself that everything, absolutely everything, is a part of this rite. I will not have any false separations.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I accidentally brought my Hellenic pagan name into a work related chatroom and it was…awkward. I really need to become self employed.

Evening rite went okay, but I just feel inadequate to do much tonight. I don’t know if I’m being too hard on myself or I’m just recognizing that shit needs to change and I cannot fall back into old patterns.

Morning rite went okay. I knew today would be an “interesting” day owing to work related issues and tonight’s memorial concert event held in memory of my friend and on her birthday besides.

I’ve had a lot going through my mind this whole time, and much of it has been filled with regrets. There are some things you can’t get second chances on, as unfair as it may seem, and this is one of those things. I spent so much time fearing that I didn’t have enough time that I made it into a self fulfilling prophesy. I also spent so much time withdrawing from life that I wasn’t able to really live. Surviving is not enough; you need to thrive as well.

It’s the little things I’m noticing: I’m almost perpetually tense, something I’ve never realized before and I don’t think I always have been. I rarely am genuinely relaxed. It’s more of a mental thing than a physical thing; it’s like I’m on hyperalert at all times and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It also interferes with me reaching that state which is ideal for doing any form of magic or act of will, which is that perfect union/serenity of will and letting go. I like to refer to it as “riding the Tao”; it’s the ultimate sweet spot that once you’re in it, you basically go into cruise control and accomplish everything you need and want to do.

Stress can really impact your psyche. I had a few fairly traumatic personal events occur over the past few years or so, and it basically turned me into an introverted hermit. Aside from a few select social groups and certain events, I have nowhere near the social life I used to have. Too many bad experiences with people just plain made me not want to deal with them.

Unfortunately I now realize that when I did that I missed out, and not only did I miss out, but I let the negative circumstances win. An extremely harsh lesson to learn, and one that I hope people will learn from me so they don’t go through what I did. People shouldn’t have had to die in order to get me to realize all this, and I think the reason why the Abramelin has so far gotten me more social as opposed to less is for this exact reason: I needed to learn it.

Cleanse and purge.

On the other side of the coin, there are aspects of this working which remind me of one of the reasons why I started avoiding socializing to begin with: I’ve had a massive surge of unwanted attention in the past week or so ranging from merely uncomfortable to HOLY HELL HOW CREEPY AND SKEEVY. And I mean, massive. I suspect given the nature of the working it’s to be expected. As I commented earlier, I don’t want to be as overly militant about my boundaries as I have been but at the same time I need to be about to assert them also. Tonight reminded me of this also.

I am currently reading The Remembering Process by Joe Vitale and Daniel Barrett. Highly, highly recommended. The idea is to treat goals as future memories and in remembering having already done it being able to achieve the goal. Pretty neat stuff. And I should be done in time for the Holy Guardian Angel book to arrive!

Evening rite went well. I have a lot to process.

Morning rite went okay.

The rest of the day however was a test of patience and massive quantities of dysfunction. I may need to polish my resume. I may need to run away screaming. I may need to grab my red stapler and run. It was THAT type of a day. It was trying on pretty much every level there is.

I am very nearly done with reading Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony. I’m not sure what to read next; I’m thinking maybe some good personal development books? I’ll think of something.

Evening rite also went okay. I mostly spent it half whining, half apologizing for whining. First thing on Saturday is laundry and continued cleaning, including purification. So glad I have a patron devoted to that (Apollo). I’ll be whining to him too but he’s used to it.

It’s also useful to know I take the time to be grateful for my deities’ and HGA’s patience in me, and express it in prayer and ritual. 🙂 I thank them repeatedly for their compassion, their patience, and their forgiveness. Always.

More dreams, this time about some people trying to infect others with this strange gas that turned them into zombies. I was unable to save the guy whom I was with, and remember looking into his eyes and seeing nothing there, just eyes like cartoon eyes. I was still trying to find a cure before the dream ended. I think I need continue to heed Abraham’s warning and take care of the laundry. You’d think cleaning the rest of my room would’ve counted, however. Unfortunately cleaning all of my bed linens, blankets, etc is about a 3-4 hour process and that time was spent dealing with a friend’s death, cleaning my house, and other obligations this past weekend.

Ah well.

Morning rite went well, although I admit I spent some time whining. Luckily my HGA is patient and understanding, or so I pray.

I had a house appraisal done this morning for my mortgage refi, and all I could do was cross my fingers that the altars in my bedroom and temple room didn’t freak them out too much. But one of my little kitties kept following them everywhere. XD Silly kitty.

I went back through my past entries and couldn’t help but notice that the vision I had of Hermes, wanting to tell me something? Happened the day before my friend’s death. Yeah. Anyhow.

I’m doing much better. My temp is normal and near normal, and while I can still feel the ick being fought off in my system I feel like I’m coming out of a long drugged state. I can think more clearly. It’s a good thing.

Evening rite went okay but yeah…more whining. I hate whining. But I also hate being reminded of how much bullshit I need to purge from my life and catching myself dwelling on it besides. I need to catch myself before I start tossing emotional and magical energy into black holes. But I’m in a job I can’t help but notice I have very little confidence in; I’ve been tossed into a hot mess and there’s slim to none chance I can resolve the situation and more than likely will be sacrificed as a scapegoat for it. And this is just the start of the list of things currently troubling me.

Burn, heal, grow.

Purge, cleanse, evolve.

Tomorrow is another day.

Morning rite went well. I slept for about seven hours straight, I guess I needed it. My dreams were mixed, and in parts nightmarish. Hoping for better tonight. I’ve been spending a good deal of time cleaning my house; maybe it stirred something up? Who knows?

Much of today was spent thinking about things which currently do not exist in my life but would like to have. Some of this was spent thinking of ways in which I could take steps to get those things. But really, what I think needs to happen is that I need to polish my psychic shit and clean the airways. Too much gunk and dwelling on negativity and it dirties the lens.

I got to get some walking in, which amounts to long periods of time thinking by myself with nothing else to do. This is both a good and a bad thing.

Evening rite also went okay, although I spent a good chunk of time ranting and rambling. Too much stuff needs fixing, too many things I desperately want to toss into the fire. Hoping for some oracular insight.

Cleanse and purge.