Abramelin, day 26

Morning rite went well. I continue to be under the impression that my HGA is not impressed with my bullshit, but I have no idea how much of that is projection. I am my own worst critic, after all.

I am down to my last couple of tealights so bought some more today.

Work was trying, but I actually got a 5 alarm fire resolved so that was good. I wish for more days like today in that regard.

Lots of personal bullshit and issues to toss onto the pyre, some of them ongoing for years. I decided to take a long walk home today and I don’t know if it was good for me or not. I did get drenched due to the torrential downpour. Spoke with a friend after, got some insights, and now it’s like someone let the air out of the balloon. I’m so fucking exhausted. I’m painfully aware of how many people depend on me for one thing or another and I’m barely reliable for myself. Ugh.

Seven years is a long time for a Dark Night of the Soul, isn’t it? I’m very nearly there.

Evening rite went well. I found myself praying for one thing over and over again: I want to be awake. Please help me to wake up.

Cleanse and purge.

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