Morning rite went okay. I think I need to spend more time in there as opposed to less. The morning ones are the toughest however; I am barely awake and coherent and more apt to be forgetful and stupid. I hope my HGA is understanding.

SO much more energy today. I needed yesterday, apparently. The repeated reminders exist, however, that I have a lot of shit to burn away, cleanse, and heal. I don’t even know where to start. Daily intense Reiki? No idea.

I’ve come a long way, I know this. But I’m so insanely, ridiculously far away from where I need to be, and I can’t believe how long it’s taken me to even get here.

Evening rite went…okay. I know what I need to work on and I know what I need to do and why, but it’s going to be the how that is tricky. It always is.

Morning rite went…okay. I still have a lot of major things on my mind, and I badly need some answers to a long term, pressing issue. I can’t let it get in the way of the operation and I can’t let me get in the way, either. But I need to know the truth, because I need to be free. I badly need to be free.

I’ve been having a lot of flying dreams as of late. It hasn’t been about escape as much as it’s been about being free and rising above bullshit.

Yesterday I spoke with a friend who sounds like he’s really coming into his own as a natural healer and spiritual counselor. I rather relate to that. My primary path seems to be more on the oracular side (Apollo pretty much has me by the scruff of the neck on that one), but I notice that both healing and oracular work both tend to dovetail into spiritual counseling. It’s just how it goes.

I had a dream last night that I decided to pursue a Master’s degree in counseling.  I tend to have a LOT of back to school dreams, not all of them good. There’s always the classic of “I just realized that I’m enrolled in school, half a semester has gone by and I have not attended any of my classes” dreams. Last night was a little bit of that, realizing that I was supposed to be in classes all day but wasn’t. I get a LOT of that. Why do I not know I’m supposed to be in class, and why aren’t I getting that information? Is this something I should be responsible for but don’t realize it and therefore am not doing it? Ugh. I think the hands down worst recurring dream is the one where I have forgotten I’m enrolled in an advanced Calculus class, half a semester has gone by and I need to start showing up, I get there and the professor might as well be talking in Chinese. It must be noted that my two semesters of Calculus were hell and taught by very, very bad professors, one of whom left and did not return for unknown reasons. Hm.

I have absolutely zero energy today, even less than yesterday. Taking this as a sign to slooowwwww dowwwwwwwn and relax. I’m just so wiped. I wound up taking a nap in the evening–something I NEVER do–then did a rite for Apollo plus tarot readings for people since today is Apollo day.  I ended the day with watching V for Vendetta.

Evening rite went well.

Morning rite went well. Am also very aware of the fact that phase two of this operation is rapidly approaching, so I’ve been doing some review of notes and some googling to see what others have done for it. Interestingly, the emphasis seems to be on purification–which is where every ounce of my being is screaming towards. This entire operation has its own alchemy and the longer I am in it, the more I am starting to understand it. I also think that everyone’s operation is going to be “flavored” according to their own lifepaths and how their HGAs operate, their individual True Wills, etc. I wonder how mine is both similar and different to others’.

And back to yesterday’s journal entry…they both died of cancer. That is downright freaky, if the news is indeed true. It’s made me think some thoughts, including some ones I’m a little reluctant to have. We’ve lost some very good people to cancer who absolutely did not deserve it: Donald Michael Kraig, Isaac Bonewits (whose group, ADF, I used to be a part of in a past life up until Apollo showed up), and Scott Cunningham. But I also gotta wonder, does being involved in magic and esoteric arts get you Noticed? As in, much less leeway and more likely to collect on karma?

Which brings me to another thought I’ve had before: the whole concept of “Law of Attraction”. Some people tend to assume that this is automatically switched on, leaving you to be susceptible to every form of badness under the sun because you “attracted it”. Maybe having this sort of retroactive “I created it” is empowering to some, but to others it just perpetuates the victimizing and blame game associated with anything from child abuse to rape. No, I’m more apt to argue that unless it’s consciously switched on, everyone is in neutral gear and being blown about to the randomness and whims of the mechanisms of the world at large.

Beltaine celebration this eve. One of the things I noted during the ritual was how used to working with the more receptive elements and forces I had become. Fire is usually my primary element, and I actually had to switch into that gear. That alone told me how different things have become for me.

Evening rite went well.

First of all…OW. What is it with the non-stop injuries? Now my back is out, and it kept waking me up all night because of the pain. At least because of the last ER visit I now have prescription pain meds so I can sleep? Ugh. At least the brace is now off and my wrist is now fine? Ugh.

Morning rite otherwise went well. Later on in the day I got both a workout and a long walk in, to and from dinner, plus did some laundry.

Had some interesting insights about the astral, namely the idea that it’s made up of “thought stuff”, similar sort of substance of whatever makes up consciousness. Makes sense that part of the astral may serve as the realm of the dead.

The walk plus workout and stretching helped my back and neck, but wondering what sleeping will do. Stillness doesn’t help this sort of thing; keeping the muscle warm is good.

Evening rite went well, performed after rite to Zeus.

O. M. F. Gs.

Yeah. So. Yesterday’s insanity has continued and has been dialed up to eleven. I am not taking it as a bad sign; if anything pissing off all the right people is completely the way to go, Abramelin or no Abramelin. Purifications must continue. I must get on board with the devotionals. Today’s Hermes day so we’re set there.

Morning rite went okay.

Today was…strange. And mixed. I will have tomorrow and the day after to work from home, as nearly everyone is out of the office. I have spent more days working from home this month than I have actually being at the office. It’s not like I’m on vacation so much as it’s a separation. It gives me time and space to myself. I also feel incredibly…weird. Surreal is the word, maybe. I’m sure this is helping with the Abramelin. It’ll also give me time to get laundry done and continue working on the purification. Although, I do wonder how much this is lighting me up like a Christmas tree.

Evening rite went well, and I gave Hermes his due attention beforehand.

Morning rite done, but just barely. In the chaos of the morning I somehow remembered having done it even though I hadn’t. Also, I am learning what are internal warning signs/messages for certain things such as “Expect drama llama from bullies and leeches”, etc. On day 40 I should have a clue and get my shit taken care of, and realize that things I could normally let slide, during this operation I have no leeway on. I cannot skip a week’s worth of devotional activities. I cannot be a day late to do laundry. I am a magnet and lit beacon to my usual leeches let alone new ones right now, and continually purifying is of utmost importance right now. I need to be more discerning with my time and energy and guard vigilantly against negativity, Debbie Downers, and psychic vampires. If this means ignoring my email, FB messages, and texts throughout the day, so be it. I also need to not engage the argumentative and the stupid. The things people choose to argue about online are so bizarre and inane that I don’t know whether or not to laugh or cry. But hey, I was warned how this day was going to go: do not engage. Do not give them your attention or energy. They will cling and will never let go. On another note, I VERY much enjoy looking younger than my age and getting carded, but it will also guarantee people will be talking down to me for many, many years and it may never end. Heck, they’ll give my grave a visit and wax poetic about how much older they are than me and therefore know better than my pretty little head ever will. Anyhow.

The key is not avoiding or repressing negative emotions but not letting them rule your day. That downward spiral is a tricky one. I am relearning emotions and how to think about my emotions, and reminding myself that then is not now, then is not now.

There’s a huge difference, I’ve found, between taking care to be aware of others around you versus using religion and philosophy to excuse self hatred. The idea of letting go of the ego has nothing to do with the ego being bad but instead is about focusing on the others in your world and in your life. If you become self centered you miss the point of being here; reality is about everyone’s shared perception of the world and life around us. Without other people reality wouldn’t even exist. Heck, physics has even demonstrated this. I do not comprehend what it means or feels like to hate oneself. I have never hated myself. I have genuine love for myself although I have habits which are insanely exasperating and I sometimes do not have the patience to deal with me, but I am working on them. I sometimes think that people would not hate others so much if they did not already know what it is like to experience self loathing.

I am getting a little bit more aggressive on the job search front. This is not something I want to do and it’s something I want to delay as much as possible. I’m feeling like yes, I need to move on but not immediately. Key is when and where to. I was contacted about a gaming/e-commerce job; frankly that sounds very much up my alley. I’m just noticing that my job is cranked up to eleven with so much bullshit I haven’t done any coding in almost three months. Not a good sign.

Interestingly, after mentioning this in my morning ritual I have been contacted with an opportunity, I guess you could say, that I cannot refuse. But I’ll know once I manage to get in and get interviewed how well it’ll go. The fact that I am already employed tends to be of help. My fingers are crossed.

Evening rite went well.  I made note of the need for additional purification and attentiveness to Having My Shit Together Needed. No leeway here.

Morning rite went well. I am working from home today because the idea of putting on real clothes is a joke, and the side effects from the pain meds make it even more of a joke. I can wear yoga pants to hang out with friends but ya know, why push it?

It’s interesting how I read through the entries and how time feels like it’s passing differently than it actually is. Events which feel like two or three weeks ago are more like a week or less. I think on events which happened the previous day and think of them as being more like a few days ago. My sense of time is growing increasingly whack.  I’m not sure why this is.

Memory lane, memory lane, memory lane. More and more people whom I haven’t heard from in ages randomly contacting me, many of them from my GD days. Interesting.

I have been talking with other friends of mine who also were friends with my friend who had died in the fire. There’s a lot of pain and anger there. While I’m no longer crying daily about it, it still hurts and it makes no sense. I know she keeps bright company and I’ve seen her dressed in white. She is in no dingy underworld; wherever she is at would be what might some perceive as “heaven” and she is okay. I do not think it was an easy transition; she was a punk rock girl to the core. But she was and will always be a fighter no matter what form and vessel her spirit takes on. I went to read some more entries from her Livejournal today and saw that it had been into memorial status. I have no idea why reading such a notification would affect me so deeply but it has. It’s just another reminder.

During the whole process (and as it remains even now) the challenge has been going back and forth between mourning her and acting as priestess and counselor to others mourning her. This is not deliberate; this is my nature and something which puts me into an internal tug of war.

On this and related issues, something I have learned the hard way which not many, I think, want to admit because it’s something they do not want to believe or accept: time does not heal all wounds. You can cover shit up, bury it, get distracted, they might gather dust and be less conspicuous, but time does nothing. I don’t even think that feelings are bound by time, actually. I’ve caught “future echoes” of some before they happened, strong ones. It is what it is. Anyhow.

I spent some time ranting about my job to another friend of mine in IT, and confirmed my suspicions: I will need to get out, sooner as opposed to later. I am in a lead role and if let go for any reason it will be seen as performance related. It will have to be voluntary. The place is a hot mess, and it’s a damned shame, but it was like this before I came on board and there’s very little I can do about it, and anything I could potentially do my hands have been tied on. I would absolutely hate to lie to recruiters and future employers, and there’s no professional way to explain “I walked into a hot mess and then was turned into the sacrificial lamb for said hot mess”; it’ll just sound like sour grapes.

Evening rite went well but painfully aware of the fact that the chaos of this week has prevented me from my usual devotional activities on Wed, Sun, Fri, and Mon. Hoping to do better this week.