Abramelin, day 40

Morning rite done, but just barely. In the chaos of the morning I somehow remembered having done it even though I hadn’t. Also, I am learning what are internal warning signs/messages for certain things such as “Expect drama llama from bullies and leeches”, etc. On day 40 I should have a clue and get my shit taken care of, and realize that things I could normally let slide, during this operation I have no leeway on. I cannot skip a week’s worth of devotional activities. I cannot be a day late to do laundry. I am a magnet and lit beacon to my usual leeches let alone new ones right now, and continually purifying is of utmost importance right now. I need to be more discerning with my time and energy and guard vigilantly against negativity, Debbie Downers, and psychic vampires. If this means ignoring my email, FB messages, and texts throughout the day, so be it. I also need to not engage the argumentative and the stupid. The things people choose to argue about online are so bizarre and inane that I don’t know whether or not to laugh or cry. But hey, I was warned how this day was going to go: do not engage. Do not give them your attention or energy. They will cling and will never let go. On another note, I VERY much enjoy looking younger than my age and getting carded, but it will also guarantee people will be talking down to me for many, many years and it may never end. Heck, they’ll give my grave a visit and wax poetic about how much older they are than me and therefore know better than my pretty little head ever will. Anyhow.

The key is not avoiding or repressing negative emotions but not letting them rule your day. That downward spiral is a tricky one. I am relearning emotions and how to think about my emotions, and reminding myself that then is not now, then is not now.

There’s a huge difference, I’ve found, between taking care to be aware of others around you versus using religion and philosophy to excuse self hatred. The idea of letting go of the ego has nothing to do with the ego being bad but instead is about focusing on the others in your world and in your life. If you become self centered you miss the point of being here; reality is about everyone’s shared perception of the world and life around us. Without other people reality wouldn’t even exist. Heck, physics has even demonstrated this. I do not comprehend what it means or feels like to hate oneself. I have never hated myself. I have genuine love for myself although I have habits which are insanely exasperating and I sometimes do not have the patience to deal with me, but I am working on them. I sometimes think that people would not hate others so much if they did not already know what it is like to experience self loathing.

I am getting a little bit more aggressive on the job search front. This is not something I want to do and it’s something I want to delay as much as possible. I’m feeling like yes, I need to move on but not immediately. Key is when and where to. I was contacted about a gaming/e-commerce job; frankly that sounds very much up my alley. I’m just noticing that my job is cranked up to eleven with so much bullshit I haven’t done any coding in almost three months. Not a good sign.

Interestingly, after mentioning this in my morning ritual I have been contacted with an opportunity, I guess you could say, that I cannot refuse. But I’ll know once I manage to get in and get interviewed how well it’ll go. The fact that I am already employed tends to be of help. My fingers are crossed.

Evening rite went well.  I made note of the need for additional purification and attentiveness to Having My Shit Together Needed. No leeway here.

2 thoughts on “Abramelin, day 40

  1. troll (couldn't help it) says:

    Ah, nice. Big leap in insight within this post. But I wonder… “Without other people reality wouldn’t even exist”. Or do we exist and everything else is us already. Not to get too metaphysical or anything. lol I see where you’re trying to solve the self puzzle but sometimes to do that, you need to get more into the self (the non talking self) and less outward. If everything happened to be self, even others, how would that make you feel? What would you do differently?

    • Scarlet Magdalene says:

      More accurately, reality *as we perceive it* wouldn’t exist. 🙂 But yeah.
      The self puzzle is interesting but I think that’s really key; it’s not about beating yourself up but remembering others. But if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot help others. So….

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