Monthly Archives: June 2014

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Abramelin, day 81

Morning rite went well. Today is juice and water fasting day. It’s also two interviews today with another two tomorrow and one on Wednesday. I am also attending a career fair of sorts Tuesday night plus a mandatory workshop for unemployment tomorrow morning.

I think I need all of the purification and cleansing I can get.

I am still fighting old habits, old ways…internally, externally. The bullshit never ends. At least I am becoming more aware of it so I can try to correct it.

So many recruiter calls today. Tomorrow promises to be another tense day…perhaps even more tense because one of these places delights in not one but multiple, multiple tech phone screens. Ridiculous.

I really ought to go back into contracting. A three month contract would end right at the point where I would need at least a week off to end off phase three besides.

Evening rite went well. I pray for sanity, clarity…and the capacity to just relax. I am practically saturating myself in lavender at this point. Going to log off for more…well, of everything.

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Abramelin, day 80

Yesterday was incense day and today will be cleansing bath day. I need to add more cleansing and purification rites, whatever I can, whenever I can. And Sunday IS Apollo’s day as far as I’m concerned. 🙂

Morning rite went well, as did the purification bath later. I spent a good chunk of the day when not working out on purifying and cleansing rituals, offering rites to Apollo. Later on in the evening I was part of an initiation rite for my coven.

I am nervous about the days ahead. All those interviews and craziness. Too many balls in the air and so much uncertainty.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 79

Morning rite went well. Still integrating.

Got a LinkedIn email this morning for a 100% remote position from what looks like a really cool company. They want to talk to me on Monday, fingers crossed.

Massive stress and frustrations today. I took it out on some lavender scented retail therapy. I’ve been doing the psychic cleansing and purification rituals, but it’s time for some physical baths too on a weekly basis. I’ve been making it a point to wash with a special cleansing wash when I shower, but I’d like to spend a little more time on this one.

In spite of everything, I reached a breakthrough. And I got it figured out: I can trust my intuition. I’ve got this one. And I’m not likely to be easily deceived ever again. No more second guessing.

Evening rite went well. More integration, but it’s less overwhelming now. One day at a time.

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Abramelin, day 78

Morning rite went well.

I attended an entrepreneurial workshop and did food shopping afterwards, and I…am now very strongly realizing why increased isolation is important. You are integrating a LOT into your system and are going to get hypersensitive. My typical natural multitasking of various processes, physical world vs psychic, gets VERY taxed. Talking to people can get challenging, almost irritating. I spent half the shopping trip in overload. I gotta adapt and get used to it or life is going to get much tougher, much faster. It’s a lot like exercising and stretching, exercising and stretching, repeat, coupled with repeatedly trying to correct bad posture that is bad out of habit.

Had yet another phone screening that will lead to more phone screenings. I’m so exhausted. I want to either win the lottery or go into business for myself already. This is nuts. I have so much to deal with and I just want to run away from it all already.

Purify and let go, purify and let go.

Evening rite went well. Long prayers to Apollo. Very long.

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Abramelin, day 77

Morning rite went well. I met up with a friend who made me a money/prosperity candle and had a tech phone screening today, both of which went great. Been doing my best to check in and make sure I’m not shutting down, shutting shit out. You never know how not relaxed you are until you’re finally relaxed, and it’s more than a little mindblowing.

Had some fantastic conversations tonight, some of which reminded me of a promise I made to myself a while ago and one which I will have those around me please do for me: should I ever get a big head, act entitled, arrogant, or presumptuous, pull me the fuck aside and straighten my shit out. I don’t care if after the Abramelin I’m changing water into wine and traveling across time and space with a single thought; do NOT let me forget my roots and the importance of being human. I have too much at stake and I never want to lose that much of myself in the process. Humility is a virtue for excellent reasons. The people around me remain important.

Purify and let go, purify and let go. Relax and let it all in. Absorb.

Evening rite went well. Lots of stuff to chew on, lots of stuff to let go of.

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Abramelin, day 76

Morning rite went well.

Lots of calls today with recruiters, phone screening tomorrow and Friday, next Tuesday I go to Career Source for the mandatory unemployment benefits seminar thing where they get to tell me how to job hunt. I could run that seminar at this point, unfortunately.

Realizing how ridiculously tense I am. Not physically, but mentally. It’s definitely impacting the work. I need to be able to relax, but apparently that’s not a natural state for me these days. I will have to continually remind myself so that it becomes such again. I mention this because I have realized today that it’s almost like I’m clenching a fist, and in doing so I’m blocking out a LOT of input coming in psychically. In a “natural” state, the input is far more than I normally get. It’s like psychic exercising, or something. I think whatever I’m doing with the Abramelin is obviously pumping up the volume but I’ve been too tense to actually just let it in and do its thing in regards to my psychic abilities and awareness.

Which. Explains. Everything.

I will need to be mindful and monitor this as often as I can, and just get used to being in a more relaxed state, and stop shutting everything out. Simply put…I need to let go.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 75

Morning rite went well. Woke up with a LOT of energy. Did a good quantity of workouts and got active. Beautiful out, too.

Today I did the property exchange at work and had another face to face interview. I didn’t get the job from the Friday interview but I have more interviews lined up. Ultimately I know what I need: a job that will keep me afloat and still able to work on my side jobs until they can be the main ones.

When situations repeat, you wonder why. What is going on? Why can’t I break this cycle? What will it take for me to not be here again? With each job search, I ask these questions.

Did some reading and contemplation before the rite when it struck me: why am I not going to Apollo more often during the Abramelin? God of oracles, divination, and purification. Kinda seems natural and he is after all, for the lack of a better term, my “primary” patron deity after all. Okieday then.

Evening rite went well, Apollo’s presence felt very strongly. Think I’m finally onto something. Let’s see if I’m right.

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Abramelin, day 74

Morning rite went well. Today is the first day of my unemployment and also the day I picked for this week to do the fasting. I went for a walk to enjoy the nice weather, got to get my papers for COBRA and severance together, applied for unemployment insurance, and dealt with recruiter calls.

I also got to work on the personal development book I’ve been working on. I know I’ll be unemployed at least two weeks; hopefully this will give me time to finally finish it and get it out there.

The fasting has been water, juice, and tea so far. I honestly haven’t been hungry all day…and at 5pm my body went into overdrive on the hunger pangs. Ugh. Well, it’s a good cleansing and will be good for me. But of course, on a hot day the temptation is to get ice cream. Walk to someplace neat for food. Etc. I know this stuff is about purification, cleansing, self discipline, and sacrifice but wow.

Evening rite went well. I need to refocus my energies and fine tune them. I still have a LOT of bullshit to work through and process, and I’m starting to feel a sense of being blocked and stagnant. Tomorrow is another day.

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Abramelin, day 73

Morning rite went well, albeit a bit shorter than I would’ve liked. I slept through the night for the most part so I missed the sunrise that gave me extra time.

My parents left today, so I get to decompress and deal with the new normal of the unemployment situation, etc. Even if I were to get an offer on the job I interviewed for on Friday, I would still have two weeks where I would not be working. This would help me get into gear.

Today I have gone back and forth from feeling terribly isolated and alone to “And that’s why I sometimes prefer it that way”. Horrible lesson in boundaries today, affecting multiple people. I am too nice, too eager to help people, had a feeling I was being used inappropriately and should’ve responded better to that instinct sooner versus giving the benefit of the doubt. I live and I learn.

I’ve had all sorts of people ask me for readings, especially since I give out free quick ones for a weekly observance for Apollo. Unfortunately this has made all sorts of people think that I will constantly give out free readings to people, night and day. This is why I stopped doing free readings on line a long time ago and is reminding me now of that. I had to post the following to my FB wall:

The post I’ve been wanting to make, badly needed to make, and is long overdue:

I am not your free life coach. I am not your free tarot reader/spiritual counselor. I cannot make hours of my time available for people who clearly do not value it, my expertise, and my knowledge. I am done with having my good graces and desire to help others being taken advantage of. It denotes a lack of respect for me, the gods whom I serve, and my time and energy.

And now that I am unemployed, I especially do not have the time for it.

I don’t feel the slightest bit of guilt whatsoever. I love helping people who genuinely need it and don’t mind it at all. But right now I am being used right, left, and center and it HAS to stop.

Right after I posted this, a few people simultaneously IMed me with creepy shit. One of them wasn’t even on my friends list. So much for disliking the feeling of being isolated and alone; now I want to avoid the Internet as much as possible.

I have gained some good insights, however. For what I want to do with myself, I NEED to be able to get better at boundaries and not let myself be used to the point where my abilities may be used for less than good motives. I may need to screen people before I help them, do divinations, and just lay the fuck low in general. If I get deceived by the wrong person I am extremely S.O.L.

But gods. The sort of people I attract, and it’s gotten several times worse since I started the Abramelin. The time for me to withdraw from the Internet has definitely come, and everything I’ve learned today is forcing my hand on this one.

Evening rite and meditations went well.

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Abramelin, day 72

I may be in this for the 18 month experience and if that’s the case, that’s okay. How will I know if I’m done baking, anyhow? I guess I’ll play it by ear.

Morning rite went well, up at dawn. Did some reading of my notes and realized that I’m supposed to be spending one day a week fasting. Oops, I thought that was only phase three. I am so physically active that the idea of not eating for a whole day goes against everything I know about health and fitness. Given how many events take place on weekends for my coven, I think I’ll choose a random day each week and see how that goes, and just drink water and juices.

My parents were not successful in their house hunt and want to come up again in a few weeks. I enjoy seeing them to an extent but it feels like my personal space is being invaded. I need my downtime. I do see however why it was necessary: my mom badly needed the timeout from all of the crazy she’s been bombarded with.

I officially got back into some of my Buddhist practices last night. They are purification themed, which frankly is fab. The more of it, the merrier.

I’ve been thinking an awful lot today about my goals as a magician, a witch, a priestess, etc–basically on the whole as my spiritual path, ultimately what is my True Will. I always had some vague idea, but it finally coalesced in 2007. It is grand, it is crazy, and it is beautiful…and it’s ultimately why I’m doing this working.

Evening rite went well.