Tag Archives: job nonsense

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Abramelin, day 175

Morning rite and noon prayer rite both went well.

I had it all but confirmed for me today; my boss told me the reason for the aggressive deadline on my project is that it’s expensive to have me. It’s not me, it’s the agency fee. I don’t see them converting me to perm or being able to afford me perm either. I’m pretty sure now I’m not going to have this job after Oct.

I’m both relieved and stressed. Fun, huh?

Well, if I’m right then the completion of this rite will coincide nicely with Samhain.

In the meantime, my cat is doing very well. One more week of oral meds plus a checkup.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 172

Morning rite went well, as did noon prayer rite. Walk after.

I don’t recall my dreams last night; I went to sleep VERY early and slept through almost the entire night straight.

They want me done with my current project at work by mid-Oct, originally slated as being “a bit too aggressive”. Now suddenly it isn’t. I don’t feel good about this change, and I’m wondering if I’ll be out of a job come November.

My cats continue to be okay, and the dear lil diabetic one is handling her shots VERY well. The oral meds, not so much. I adjusted my work schedule to compensate so I’ll have more than enough time in the morning to work out, take care of her, and get my shit together.

I’ve been losing weight and not on purpose. I swear I’m eating but I’m just too stressed to eat at normal levels. I’m hoping with the increased workouts in the morning it’ll increase my appetite and this won’t be a problem.

I’m fried. Totally fried.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 167

Morning rite went well.

Kitties are doing well. Giving meds orally to a full grown cat, however, is never fun. And it’s twice a day.

Job nonsense continues. I need to grin and bear it, and move on when my contract ends.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk afterwards.

I have a lot of personal shit that I’m processing, and frankly much of it just needs to just be shelved either temporarily or permanently. And it’s a long time in coming.

I need to focus on the big picture.

Evening rite went well.

 

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Abramelin, day 161

Morning rite went well.

My kitty is doing MUCH better. She may even be able to go home tomorrow night or the Sun morning. I’m quite relieved.

Of course, the rest of the drama is piling on now that I’m no longer stressed my cat’s going to die on me: family drama is bad drama with end of life issues of a grandparent in a large and well, dynamic family. I’m staying the fuck away from that shit as much as possible.  Then there’s work drama–apparently even though I’ve only been there for 5 weeks higher ups are complaining that I’m not doing enough, lolwhut. There’s been little red flags here and there that have told me that while my boss is great, the people above him are nucking futs. I don’t say this lightly. They are exposed to one technology, situation, or method which was not used correctly and therefore are against it ever since, and more than one policy has struck me as going way past micromanaging and into neurotic territory. I am also almost completely confident they cannot afford me full time and are griping about how much I cost in comparison with everyone else there since there’s my hourly wage AND what the agency gets paid on top of that. My boss admitted I cost more than everyone there, including him. In other words I will have to work absolutely harder than everyone there to justify why they brought me on board to begin with with paper trails up the wazoo to prove that I am a functional member of the team. They can’t even afford me now and I’m just barely at the average for my profession and seniority AND have had bad experiences with new people before (note previous comment on neuroses on prior bad experiences with anything). Why they brought me on board as contract to perm and the other new people are perm given their issues I have no idea either; it makes no sense. I don’t see this working out. Then there’s medical insurance drama. I’m going to have to go back to the COBRA plan from my previous employer, which thankfully is still active, as my current agency’s plan is for people who don’t get sick, have generic versions of medicine they require, and don’t need allergy shots on a regular basis. Fucking hell.

Basically I’m going to do my best and not stress out about the work sitch. I’ve had more than one dream about this job that told me things will not work out, and the conversation I had with my boss today was almost word for word what I dreamed about last night when I dreamed of him talking to me. No joke.

I need to become self employed.

Noon rite went well, then kitty visit at the animal hospital.

Rest of day was cuddles with my other kitty then a second visit to the recovering kitty. I am thankful for the three day weekend. I have HAD it. This has been a very, very stressful and shitty week, jeans that were fitted on me last week can now be taken off without unbuttoning them. Again, I do not recommend this weight loss plan. 0 out of 5 stars. On a plus note, I do look great in size 26 skinny jeans. 😛

I recognize that all of this is part of the process and there will ALWAYS be something. But this week was the worst I’ve had since my friend died, and I can’t even think of a worse one prior to that without really getting into some very bad personal history. I sometimes wonder beyond the obviousness of personal development what I am truly gaining from this and whether or not this is helping me to get to where I both need and want to be for the Abramelin vs serving as a distraction.

But hey, if this job ends unexpectedly at least I won’t have to worry about when to take that week off. 😛

Evening rite went okay, I think. I am drained beyond drained.

 

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Abramelin, day 139

Morning rite went well, but I more or less slept in, barely made it to work. I am not sleeping well still. Heading to bed early tonight for sure.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk outside after.

Work today was…frustrating. I have discovered that my boss’ boss’ favorite thing to do is to repeatedly interrupt, question, and get antagonistic during design meetings with the idea of “thinking things through”. He even claimed certain things were stated on day one which weren’t, which my co-worker confirmed. You can’t have it both ways; I can’t be told that the design is all up to us and yet be told everything we are doing is wrong and have it questioned five million ways to sunset in an argumentative fashion which helps no one. My doubts on this working out long term have now increased. Going to grin and bear the bullshit as long as I can, but if this is how work gets done at this place I absolutely cannot work like this.

Evening rite went well. I went to bed, hoping to get some sleep so I can think on this more clearly, but woke up incredibly pissed off. This is the third night in a row I’m losing sleep for various reasons, and I can’t see this doing good things for me.

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Abramelin, day 126

Morning rite went well, was up at dawn yet again. I am not getting enough sleep by far, and it needs to stop before my immune system goes to shit. My body has a way of shutting itself down when it’s being put through too much.

Noon prayer rite went well. Afterward I went outside for a walk and dealt with my purification needs/troubles. Some reminders of why I am doing this rite were nice–not that I needed them, but it emphasizes and highlights certain things.

I get that I need to be well rounded and be in the world, “wax on wax off”, and learning to crawl before I can fly. I’ve been through a lot, gained a lot, throughout this experience. But I am painfully aware that I have a LONG way to go and I can’t see myself obtaining K&C in two months’ time. I’m sure a lot can happen in 2 months, but I am at this stage both skeptical and pessimistic.

Evening rite went…okay, but there was a fair amount of ranting. I am frustrated. I am not ungrateful to be where I’m at, but I am painfully aware of how much further I have to go, and it’s quite a long way.

 

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Abramelin, day 125

Morning rite went well, but I struggled to get in there. I’m having a VERY hard time waking up and staying awake this week. I’m guessing it’s the new schedule and my body finally saying “no more” to the interrupted sleep and the not enough sleep.

Noon prayer rite went fine.

Job stuff seems to be going well. I work with very nice people so far. The test will be, of course, time.

Still need a fuckton of purification and cleansing. Holy hell.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 123

Up before dawn, so morning rite went well.

Today was my first day at the new job. So far I have discovered that they are incredibly work from home friendly, the commute is a bit long for my tastes, but great for personal development audiobooks, and the people are nice. There’s even a BBQ for half a day this Friday and alcohol in the fridge, so they don’t seem terribly uptight. A bit on the quiet side, but that’s great for just sinking back into phase three and getting my crap done.

There’s also a small shower room in the bathroom. You get in, and according to the compass app on my phone, it faces east. Perfect for visiting at noon for the prayer/rite.

Evening rite went well. I thought of how taxed I feel right now, maybe needing to find a way to work smarter, not harder. Perhaps by doing one thing on my list it’ll knock off most of the items, a keystone step if you will. As I did, I turned to look at Hermes’ statue, and I swear I saw him sticking his tongue out at me.

Of course, that’s probably what the Abramelin rite is supposed to be doing…not sticking its tongue out at me, but being the keystone that unlocks other things so I spend less time running around trying to do a ton of shit.

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Abramelin, day 85

Morning rite went well. I am trying not to whine but it’s hard.

Last night, I found a recent job posting online from a consulting company I used to work for in 2012, so I applied. Phone conversation taking place today at 10am. My fingers are crossed, as I enjoyed working with them before.

I know I need to do that relaxing and letting go thing. It’s hard when it comes down to basic shit like survival, paying the mortgage, etc. Maybe that whole “My HGA won’t let me starve and Hermes is usually ridiculously good to me in this arena” will hold true, and I will just…breathe. The problem is this: I keep having the door slammed in my face with the same line: “Too many ‘short term’ jobs”. Full time places are panicked I’ll bail, and contracting places look at me and think I’ll prefer a full time role. It’s to the point where I feel like I can’t win. At a place I have a proven track record with, maybe there is hope.

Next Wednesday I leave for a fitness coach conference in Vegas. The idea of my continuing to do the Abramelin under these circumstances is perhaps hilarious, but there is nothing more alchemical than getting up at 5am every day to do a 6:30am workout with trainers like Shaun T and Tony Horton. Also, the timing is lovely; it’ll force me away from the job hunting nonsense to focus on my overall health and well-being. I also have plans to meet up with fellow Hellenic polytheists for a Summer Solstice ritual in honor of Apollo–who just happen to live in Vegas. There are no coincidences in this world. I will do my usual ritual for when I am traveling; it worked out well in the past for both the charity walk and the visit to my parents’.

The friend of mine who had died in a fire at the start of this operation, her boyfriend finally posted to FB with the story of what led up to the fire and after. That was a painful, painful read. As expected, he is fully blaming himself and thinks he is damned. I felt compelled to write him, because I KNOW she would never want him to beat himself up like that.

Meanwhile, I decide to take the day off, and four recruiters contact me each with different positions which are exactly what I’m looking for. Maybe the message is “stop working and it’ll come.” Hm. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Hm. Now I’ve been emailed to help out with a major travel site for fitness blogging. Hm. Hm. Well. Funny how when I just relax and stop working and stressing over shit…hm.

There’s something to this, and that something is going with the Flow. I’ve also referred to it as “riding the Tao”, and it’s that sweet spot in between letting go and working your Will.

I wonder if so much of what I’m learning in my job search is “Wax on, wax off.”

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 84

Morning rite went well. I spent today dealing with recruiters–lots of recruiters–and have applied for more places. Tomorrow I have decided to take the day off from job hunting and get some personal time in. I’m more than a little burned out, and I’m also quite frustrated.

I have a LOT of personal integration going, and I’m realizing that I need to clean up my own backyard before I start going off exploring, if that makes any sense.

So much energy going into physical realm and survival right now, so much stress…I am wiped, exhausted, and wondering if I am most certainly on the 18 month plan. I hope that regardless, I am on the right track. I feel like everything is screwed up. Ugh.

Evening rite went okay, I am falling asleep and had to drag myself in there. So tired. How do I get my shit together? What am I doing wrong?