Tag Archives: job nonsense

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Abramelin, day 199

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

Today was phone interview, work, more recruiter contacts, and just general Monday whatever.

It also occurred to me how many of my goals could be helped by doing more chakra balancing meditations. Root is so much better than it used to be but could stand more love. I’ve been looking for more avenues of increased manifestation and I think that might grease the gears for me, so to speak. I typically listen to a bunch of subliminal mp3s with sounds of waves and water as I go to sleep that are for each of the chakras, so I made a separate playlist specifically for the ones which need the most amount of help.

Met a friend for dinner whom I haven’t seen in a while. Between job drama, kitty drama, car drama, family drama, Abramelin drama, been pretty separated from the world. Not a bad thing, probably the only way to get a high extrovert into doing so.

Got to get in a brief cuddle with my kitties. It’s wonderful to see my previously sick cat running about like a kitten. She’s also light enough to pick up and cuddle now, and makes the most adorable purrs when I do so.

Grateful.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 194

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

I am now wondering, what if it’s true and that this job will continue to last until Jan? Maybe I do need those couple of months to get my shit together. I still feel like my head’s potentially on the chopping block and I don’t like it.

I’m wiped. I don’t want to have to think anymore. I want several weeks off with pay to just go stare at the ceiling.

Evening rite went well.

 

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Abramelin, day 193

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

Today has gone from “It’s not you, it’s the agency employing you” to “It’s you.” They called my boss and apparently pissed him off and now suddenly it’s a different story than what he originally said. No choice now, I HAVE to look for another job. So much for that reference. Basically since they pay me more than absolutely everyone else there including my boss (which keeps getting mentioned to me like it’s my fault or I should feel guilty about it or something) they expect me to be more “senior” than everyone, absolutely everyone. If I cough it’s a black mark on my record. They never should’ve hired me if they were going to be that resentful of my rate + what the agency charges as overhead and it makes me wonder how low they’re paying everyone else.

So much for getting a break from stress.  I am beginning to wonder if I have some fucked up curse in regards to jobs and employment. I badly want to be self employed and get away from all of this shit, but it’s very hard running a side business while all of this insanity is going on.

I don’t get it. More than six months later I’m still battling the same issues. Have I gotten anywhere at all? Has anything genuinely changed? And all I ever do is getting sucked up into this shit with no time for the shit that really matters. I started this operation with massive, horrible job issues and here I am again, same shit different job. Gods.

I have no idea what to do and I’m running out of options. I can’t live my life the way I’ve been living it, on ANY level, but beyond divine and/or magical intervention I have no idea how to get anything changed.

Evening rite…spent a good chunk of it ranting. Not in a good state right now.

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Abramelin, day 192

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

More purification issues but I think I finally nailed it.

Been spending my time trying to focus on what inspires me. no matter how crazy. Screw it.

Kitties remain healthy and cute. Job sitch, I expect to probably be out of a job by around end of Oct. They’re even bringing someone in for a few months and mentioned him working on my project.  My only desires for this job right now are a) as many paychecks as possible b) a very good recommendation from my boss and for him to continue to be happy with me and c) apt timing for its ending so that I can do the week long invocations to end the Abramelin.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 189

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of purification work needed. Lots. Today was a difficult day on many levels. I need both macrocosmic and microcosmic banishing right now. I’m ready to rip out pages of my old GD background and go right to it.

I must be getting close. I wonder if the end date is being decided upon for my job and all that.

Evening rite went well, but I nearly fell asleep beforehand. I am WIPED.

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Abramelin, day 186

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

After various phone calls and scrambling, I’ve reached what may be the obvious conclusion: I really should not be looking for a job right now. In fact, I think the best approach for this entire screwball situation is to let this one end in the most amicable way possible, focus on whatever is the remainder of my time in the part time job after that, THEN do my finishing week of the Abramelin rite. It’ll save me stress, will give me time off, and will help me have more control over this time in between jobs thing. As is, I wouldn’t be able to finish off this rite until November anyhow due to the part time job, so it’s not like it’d get me any additional time.

I alternate between being drained and exhausted beyond belief in a fashion that reminds me of the time I had mono and being completely anxious/jittery/stressed. It’s not good. Fuck weekly purification baths; I’ll be taking nightly purification showers from now on, if nothing else to relax my neck and shoulders enough to stop having the tension headaches.

Also cuddling kitties helps.

Nearly went to bed without doing evening rite, got it done.

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Abramelin, day 182

Morning rite and noon prayer rite both went well.

Each day that passes at my job I get more and more confirmations that I am probably being set up for failure, not deliberately or maliciously but because the heads are batshit, neurotic, paranoid, and can’t communicate well worth a damn to technical staff. Another coworker admitted he thought my boss was nuts for putting my project deadline where it’s at, and I KNOW it’s coming from above him at least but it doesn’t excuse how batshit it is.

As for the personal, spiritual, psychic shit and all of the dreams and crap…in waayyyy over my head. Not sure what’s more overwhelming: what’s inside or what’s outside. I wonder if this tension is deliberate. At least my kitties are okay. Made appointment for the glucose tolerance test. Fingers crossed.

Evening rite went well, was high after.

Gods help me.

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Abramelin, day 181

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

Job situation holding steady so far, but will be glad to be done with this commute. I still anticipate more drama before it’s over unfortunately. It’s just the nature of these things.

My kitty’s blood work came back, and she’s doing far better than expected. Well enough to say that she will be in remission from diabetes and can go off of insulin soon. They want to do a glucose tolerance test to be sure. FANTASTIC news! Meanwhile she has energy I haven’t seen her have in years.

I have another massively intense personal situation on hold or at least as much of it on hold as I can get it. Shit’s accelerating/hitting the fan/descending into chaos in pretty much every area right now so I take any and all good news wherever I can get it. I have a grandmother with rapidly advancing Alzheimer’s and that’s also creating another situation of drama I’m staying as far away from as possible. I don’t think she’ll last another year unfortunately.

I need a break, a staycation, spa day, something.

Evening rite went well.

 

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Abramelin, day 177

Morning rite went well.

Things are starting to take on that surreal quality again. I don’t know my life anymore. Autumn is coming.

Not looking forward to interviews and bullshit but am looking forward to getting out of this job.

Lacking on sleep today. Not good.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 176

Morning rite went well.

I feel somewhat less stressed and a bit relieved. I saw the job thing going south as of that hideous meeting/design review some weeks ago with my boss’ boss who was a total asshole to me and the other new person. And the commute’s the worst I’ve ever had and that’s saying something. I’m looking forward to being someplace far better.

I didn’t get much done today, but the weather was just crappy. Good day for tea and kitty cuddles. My father will be in town again to help out with the kitty vet appointment and my car’s getting appraised on Monday so I know what the damage cost will be for repair.

Things are kinda snowballing and I need a bit of a break.

Evening rite went well.