Monthly Archives: April 2014

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Abramelin, day 21

Morning rite went okay.

The rest of the day however was a test of patience and massive quantities of dysfunction. I may need to polish my resume. I may need to run away screaming. I may need to grab my red stapler and run. It was THAT type of a day. It was trying on pretty much every level there is.

I am very nearly done with reading Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony. I’m not sure what to read next; I’m thinking maybe some good personal development books? I’ll think of something.

Evening rite also went okay. I mostly spent it half whining, half apologizing for whining. First thing on Saturday is laundry and continued cleaning, including purification. So glad I have a patron devoted to that (Apollo). I’ll be whining to him too but he’s used to it.

It’s also useful to know I take the time to be grateful for my deities’ and HGA’s patience in me, and express it in prayer and ritual. 🙂 I thank them repeatedly for their compassion, their patience, and their forgiveness. Always.

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Abramelin, day 20

More dreams, this time about some people trying to infect others with this strange gas that turned them into zombies. I was unable to save the guy whom I was with, and remember looking into his eyes and seeing nothing there, just eyes like cartoon eyes. I was still trying to find a cure before the dream ended. I think I need continue to heed Abraham’s warning and take care of the laundry. You’d think cleaning the rest of my room would’ve counted, however. Unfortunately cleaning all of my bed linens, blankets, etc is about a 3-4 hour process and that time was spent dealing with a friend’s death, cleaning my house, and other obligations this past weekend.

Ah well.

Morning rite went well, although I admit I spent some time whining. Luckily my HGA is patient and understanding, or so I pray.

I had a house appraisal done this morning for my mortgage refi, and all I could do was cross my fingers that the altars in my bedroom and temple room didn’t freak them out too much. But one of my little kitties kept following them everywhere. XD Silly kitty.

I went back through my past entries and couldn’t help but notice that the vision I had of Hermes, wanting to tell me something? Happened the day before my friend’s death. Yeah. Anyhow.

I’m doing much better. My temp is normal and near normal, and while I can still feel the ick being fought off in my system I feel like I’m coming out of a long drugged state. I can think more clearly. It’s a good thing.

Evening rite went okay but yeah…more whining. I hate whining. But I also hate being reminded of how much bullshit I need to purge from my life and catching myself dwelling on it besides. I need to catch myself before I start tossing emotional and magical energy into black holes. But I’m in a job I can’t help but notice I have very little confidence in; I’ve been tossed into a hot mess and there’s slim to none chance I can resolve the situation and more than likely will be sacrificed as a scapegoat for it. And this is just the start of the list of things currently troubling me.

Burn, heal, grow.

Purge, cleanse, evolve.

Tomorrow is another day.

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Abramelin, day 19

Morning rite went well. I slept for about seven hours straight, I guess I needed it. My dreams were mixed, and in parts nightmarish. Hoping for better tonight. I’ve been spending a good deal of time cleaning my house; maybe it stirred something up? Who knows?

Much of today was spent thinking about things which currently do not exist in my life but would like to have. Some of this was spent thinking of ways in which I could take steps to get those things. But really, what I think needs to happen is that I need to polish my psychic shit and clean the airways. Too much gunk and dwelling on negativity and it dirties the lens.

I got to get some walking in, which amounts to long periods of time thinking by myself with nothing else to do. This is both a good and a bad thing.

Evening rite also went okay, although I spent a good chunk of time ranting and rambling. Too much stuff needs fixing, too many things I desperately want to toss into the fire. Hoping for some oracular insight.

Cleanse and purge.

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Abramelin, day 18

Morning rite went well. I am STILL running a temp, not cool. I woke up a few times last night due to noises in my room. No idea where they were coming from nor what they were. First I figured it was the cats outside in the hall, but no…only found one of them and she was curled up by my door, guarding it as usual from Bad Evil Things(TM). Very, very strange.

I had a good time yesterday with some fellow Strega folk, and I told them about my week and what I had read in my friend’s LJ that seemed to indicate that subconsciously she knew her time was up. One of my friends said that she felt that my friend had a choice before this incarnation, a long life of mediocrity or a short but brilliant life. Something about that feels right. It seems like something she would do. She was a highly principled person who lived for her passions and never apologized for it.

Something else about this Abramelin working: it’s increasing the amount of attention I’m getting. I think most people think this is a good thing because inwardly they seek the approval of others and it makes them feel desirable. I know better; it makes me want to run away screaming as a result. It’s like everything I ever did to try to make myself invisible has gone away. If guys were treated the way women are on a regular basis they’d feel a lot differently about how much of a “compliment” they think it is. Met someone cool at the VegFest, a Freemason recently turned vegan about a year ago. Had a great conversation, and was utterly disinterested in having anything to do with me when he asked me whether or not I was single and I laughed and told him I was married to my work. Does anyone ever just want friends anymore? Anyhow.

Been reading more of the Marriage and Harmony book and was struck by this passage:

“‘With a god, you are always crying and laughing,’ we read in Sophocles’ Ajax. Life as mere vegetative protraction, glazed eyes looking out on the world, the certainty of being oneself without knowing what one is: such a life has no need of a god. It is the realm of the spontaneous atheism of the homme naturel.But when something undefined and powerful shakes mind and fiber and trembles the cage of our bones, when the person who only a moment before was dull and agnostic is suddenly rocked by laughter and homicidal frenzy, or by the pangs of love, or by the hallucination of form, or finds his face streaming with tears, then the Greek realizes he is not alone. Somebody else stands beside him, and that somebody is a god. He no longer has the calm clarity of a perception he had in his mediocre state of existence. Instead, that clarity has migrated into his divine companion. A sharp profile against the sky, the god is resplendent, while the person who evoked him is left confused and overwhelmed.”

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 17

Take my revolution ikite yukou
genjitsu wa gamushara ni kurushi
jibun no ibasho sonzai kachi wo mitsuketai
kyou made no jibun wo

Take my revolution, and let’s go on living,
As reality approaches frantically.
I want to find my place, the worth of my existence.
From this day, I will take myself and

isagiyoku nugisuteru hadaka ni naru
juu wo mau bara no youni
tatoe futari hanarebanare ni natte mo
watashi wa sekai wo kaeru

Bravely strip down to nothing at all,
Like a rose spinning free.
Even if the two of us are ever separated,
I will change the world.
– Shoujo Kakumei Utena, “Rinbu – revolution” (“Wheel Dance – revolution”)

The anime Revolutionary Girl Utena is essentially Crowley’s “Wake World” on massive amounts of crack. That’s all I’m gonna say. I think I need to rewatch it during my Abramelin working.

Morning rite done. I slept reasonably well given I wasn’t in bed until an hour I haven’t stayed up until in about forever, but I did not wake up in the best of moods. Very conscious of how my emotions can impact my thoughts and actions right now.

Another thought: I need to be mindful in my socializing and not just blindly do it for the sake of doing it. There needs to be discernment. I need to watch for that pendulum. I need to be clear and assertive on my boundaries, but not to the point of shutting everyone out and not lax enough to let people treat me in a way that is not appropriate. I cannot allow for that pendulum swinging to occur; there must be a happy medium and I need to find it. So many people have disrespected those boundaries in horrible ways in the past that I have actively avoided most social situations.

And as today is Apollo day, I asked the question of an oracle: “What would Apollo like to see for me and/or have me do?”

The response was “Juggernaut. God’s astronaut. Proficiency in prophecy, hard fought.”

Wow. Okay then. No pressure.

I keep thinking about that dream I had about Apollo a few nights ago, literally being Kyrene, etc. Little bits and details keep coming back to me. Stuff I initially didn’t remember, stuff I didn’t take note of before…it was a complicated dream. It must be noted that when I first “met” Apollo and began having mystical experiences and dreams involving him, much of my initial reaction kept consisting of, “Am I SURE this is not Dionysos?” Then I met Dionysos and well…I can never confuse the two now, that’s for sure. But the gods are indeed complex. Dionysos has the whole back and forth of life and death in his very nature owing to his double birth. During my ritual to him on Friday, I got the VERY clear indication he wanted me to spend more time with Apollo. Well, all right then…it IS that time of the year, and the Delphic cycle continues.

Evening rite done, performed after my offering rite to Apollo. I think it went well. I’m realigning my focus, or so I’m trying. Old habits resurfaced today and I had to squash them down. Patterns need to be broken, like eggshells for the chick to be born. I keep thinking over and over again that I’m so very glad that I started this operation and grateful for what it has brought me so far, but at the same time I’m getting a very strong intuitive inkling that I have absolutely no idea what I’m in for, and the temperature has yet to be turned up.

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Abramelin, day 16

Morning rite went well. As some did this week, this too got lengthy. Way too many ranting and thinking about many things: how isolated I’ve been, the regrets I  have at being so, and wanting to leave my current career for something more useful.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

I should not be surprised that my time in the Abramelin so far is not putting me into social isolation. I already have been in social isolation; it seems that part of phase 1 is healing shit, burning away the crap, the purifying the rest.

It seems my HGA was comfortable with my being at what turned into an Irish wake of sorts; I didn’t consume a ton of wine but I consecrated the entire bottle in advance. The whole experience from the socializing with others to the toast to my departed friend at midnight was what I needed. I also had the sense that the alcohol thing may be okay in certain circumstances for phase one such as this but may run into issues come phase two and should be completely rethought in phase three.

Evening rite performed insanely late but went okay. Prayers getting longer and longer. Even more determined than ever to see this through to the finish. I want none of this to have been in vain.

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Abramelin, day 15

And so I begin week three of the operation.

I woke up from some very intense dreams about Apollo and being in a world where I was literally Kyrene of the tales and legends. I was queen of some foreign land and wife of Apollo. It was a very strange dream and I got dragged into all sorts of crazy battles, politics, and what-have-you. There was also a part where I was instructed to give someone cookies that would have some strange supernatural effect on them. Then there was talk about having cookies in the cookies. There was also one point where I was in bed and there were candles lit, and I was paranoid about them falling over and causing fires, but they were all too small and just went out instead with no harm done. Too much Robert Calasso before bedtime and too high of a temperature, obviously, but seriously…that whole “knowledge and conversation” thing is sometimes a bit more than a mere euphemism. Towards the end of the dream I remembered who I really was, but it was like I was catapulted back into this reality but still dealing with the ramifications of that other world which started bleeding into this one.

Morning rite went well. I’m still waking up with a temp and spacey. It’s not high enough that I’m turning to drugs just yet and with any luck the antibiotics will kick in and I’ll be fine. It’s basically just high enough to give cognitive functions a serious crippling–it’s basically like being drunk or stoned minus the fun of each. Meanwhile my subconscious is being haunted by the spirits of dead friends and deities are traipsing through it as well. I mean, if there’s a deity of seances, astral travel, talking to dead people and what-have-you it’d very obviously be him. I had dreams where I was talking with my friend but I can’t remember much of anything that was said.

I think back to when I started wondering if Hermes was a patron of mine, and I laaaaauuuuuugghhhhhhhhhh

Also, I think I see why this magical working has the potential to drive you nuts. I don’t have a clue as to why an incredibly simple rite has the capacity to open up massive flood gates of psychic and spiritual shit, but there you have it.

I’ve been going back into my old LJ and started reading hers. Interestingly, a few months ago back on Oct this is part of what she wrote:

Death of loved ones is not something that anyone finds easy to cope with. Having outlived 12 of the people I cared about, many of whom were the same age as, or even younger than me, makes it worse. It seems like it’s a message from the Universe warning me “Don’t get too close to anyone, for sooner or later they will be taken away.” Conversely, you start to worry about your own mortality, and how it might affect others – “don’t let them get too close to you, for when you go, they’ll be hurt in the same way you’ve been affected by the death of those you loved”.

It’s terrifying how close to being prophetic that entry of hers was/is, and I’m sure she had no idea her time would come so soon. I also don’t think it’s coincidence that I stumbled across it.

I don’t know how many times it has to be hit over my head to take absolutely no moment nor person for granted, to not count on there being a tomorrow, or to assume due to my supposed youth that everyone will always be around and I have all the time in the world. I do not. I burned my candles at all ends trying to meet so many goals and while those goals still remain dear to me I wonder if I was going about them in the wrong way.

Evening rite done. I think it went okay. I have a lot weighing on my mind, a lot of strange ideas in my head bordering on conspiracy theory, and I am wondering about many things. Going to get more reading done before bedtime. In the meantime, I’m taking the time out to cuddle with kitties and reconnect with some old acquaintances online.

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Abramelin, day 14

Morning rite went okay. I managed to drag myself to work–much to the amusement and befuddlement of my coworkers, especially when they heard how my week has been going. As I phrased it earlier, I’m in full agreement with them: I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs for being at the office. Am now on antibiotics and hoping it’ll kick the ass out of whatever I’ve got because if it doesn’t I have to give another brand a try, and anything else other than what I’m taking I’m either very allergic to or makes me violently ill.

Things still don’t feel real. I keep hoping I’ll go to sleep, wake up, and things will get back on sync but they really haven’t been. I really do feel like I’ve been deposited into some foreign reality. I know that there are supposedly all of these stages of grief, but the reality is that they’re not stages; you jump around from emotion to emotion. One moment it’s denial, another it’s anger, another it’s depression, etc. There’s no straight line. It’s more like a great big ball of wibbly wobbly…oh never mind.

Had a vision/dream early this morning, I think prior to my doing the morning rite. That light again that I saw, and someone talking to me about the rite and the death of my friend. I didn’t fully understand the message other than the emphasis that this too is a part of the rite whether I like it or not. I am hoping if nothing else it fuels my desire to get this genuinely DONE and not just on some feel-good psychological level.

I wound up falling asleep around 4ish, woke up around 6 or so, was totally off balance. No kitty movie night as planned but I think tomorrow night may be best for that. Then I won’t have to worry about being up early for a job I can barely focus on right now as is.

Evening rite went well. I am trying to remind myself that everything, absolutely, I go through is a part of this rite. Even the shit that hurts. I wonder how I would’ve reacted to my friend’s death had I not done this rite, and I was thinking about this earlier today. Would it be better? Worse? Where would I be now?

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Abramelin, day 13

Morning ritual went well. I once again slept right through the sunrise alarm. Not even sure why I still have it.

I will be working from home today again, will back in the office tomorrow. I didn’t sleep very well. I am still running a temp. Doctor’s appt made as it’s fairly obvious it’s my annual sinus infection. I hoped not to get it this year but the stress with the job, the sleep interruptions due to the start of the Abramelin, the mortgage refinance endless drama, and of course the death of my friend didn’t really contribute to wellness for my immune system.

l-i-f-e g-o-e-s o-n

I forgot to post this yesterday, but when I came home to light a candle for her on Hermes’ altar, the radio started playing New Order’s “Regret”. Do you ever get the sense that your life is not your own, and things happen which seem just a little too neat to be coincidence? Does your life feel like it’s being written by someone else? I’ve never had the chance to really see anything in my life as being truly random. It’s why since yesterday I can’t stop saying “It makes no sense.”

I am in the wrong universe.

It’s not yet been two weeks doing this magical operation and it feels like two months. I’ve been adding more regular spiritual practice, something which I should’ve done ages ago. Sunday for Apollo, Monday for Papa Legba, Wednesday for Hermes, Friday for Dionysos. I might do Sunday during the day for Apollo and night for Dionysos at some point but will depend on schedule and the “flow”. Sunday is honestly a crazy day of ritual as is.

Evening rite was okay, although nearly as long as last night’s. I need to take as long with the Abramelin as possible. I don’t care how long it takes; I’m not stopping until it’s done. I’m not settling for randomness, blue pills, and pointlessness that just turns into poison. I just can’t.

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Abramelin, day 12

Morning rite went well. I once again slept through the sunrise alarm and thanked my HGA for letting me sleep in.

At work this morning after I got in I found out that a good friend of mine whom I had met over a decade ago died in what I can only describe as a random and senseless tragedy for someone who had kicked ass, took names, and even beat the ever-living shit out of cancer twice. I let my boss know and he let me go work from home. I can’t really think straight nor can I stop crying. She was (gods I hate referring to her in the past tense) a fellow pagan , a fellow cat lover, and heavily into the local music scene and was an entrepreneur, smart, funny, and just a great person on the whole. Second to last time I saw her was at a party and we drank wine and talked about cats, physical fitness, and gods help me I can’t even remember the rest. We just had a good time chatting. Time after that was for a New Year’s Eve party. She put random small objects like the tv remote and a pair of sunglasses on top of the cat and took pictures, we were all giggling. Then we were traumatized by whatever performance came on after or before the ball dropped, I don’t remember. Something to do with Miley Cyrus I think.

We’re both busy as fuck with our lives and careers and didn’t get to hang out often, but I was constantly posting crazy cat lady jokes and pics on her well because hey, that’s how we both rolled. I met her at a goth meetup that no longer exists, ages and ages ago when I was trying to meet and make new friends in the area. She was going to do an interview for me and my author stuff but work got in the way, life got in the way, everything got in the way.

It doesn’t make any sense. I sound like every cliche in the book but she was supposed to grow up to become one of those cool, crazy old cat ladies and only die of ridiculous old age due to excessive punk rock, surrounded by cats and music.

We’re all grasping at pieces of eternity and I wish I had greater certainty of absolutely anything in this world. The people of this world and those who enter into our lives are an important part of them; people who go at lengths to deny this are terribly, terribly wrong. Reality is defined by us and those around us and without it, it would not exist. And if any of us figures out this crazy, fucked up merry go round roller coaster we’re on beyond what is visible then we have the absolute right as thinking, feeling beings to disseminate that amongst the rest of us and/or at the very least inspire others to do similarly.

I don’t know what to say about the evening rite other than I did it and it’s probably the longest one I’ve done so far.

Cleanse and purge.