Abramelin, day 14

Morning rite went okay. I managed to drag myself to work–much to the amusement and befuddlement of my coworkers, especially when they heard how my week has been going. As I phrased it earlier, I’m in full agreement with them: I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs for being at the office. Am now on antibiotics and hoping it’ll kick the ass out of whatever I’ve got because if it doesn’t I have to give another brand a try, and anything else other than what I’m taking I’m either very allergic to or makes me violently ill.

Things still don’t feel real. I keep hoping I’ll go to sleep, wake up, and things will get back on sync but they really haven’t been. I really do feel like I’ve been deposited into some foreign reality. I know that there are supposedly all of these stages of grief, but the reality is that they’re not stages; you jump around from emotion to emotion. One moment it’s denial, another it’s anger, another it’s depression, etc. There’s no straight line. It’s more like a great big ball of wibbly wobbly…oh never mind.

Had a vision/dream early this morning, I think prior to my doing the morning rite. That light again that I saw, and someone talking to me about the rite and the death of my friend. I didn’t fully understand the message other than the emphasis that this too is a part of the rite whether I like it or not. I am hoping if nothing else it fuels my desire to get this genuinely DONE and not just on some feel-good psychological level.

I wound up falling asleep around 4ish, woke up around 6 or so, was totally off balance. No kitty movie night as planned but I think tomorrow night may be best for that. Then I won’t have to worry about being up early for a job I can barely focus on right now as is.

Evening rite went well. I am trying to remind myself that everything, absolutely, I go through is a part of this rite. Even the shit that hurts. I wonder how I would’ve reacted to my friend’s death had I not done this rite, and I was thinking about this earlier today. Would it be better? Worse? Where would I be now?

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