Morning rite went well. I can now move my fingers which makes typing SO much easier. I didn’t want to type up yesterday’s entry with one hand and kept it short as is.

I really like this new setup I have for myself on my computer. I get tired of seeing the same negativity, whining, passive-aggression, and all that nonsense on social media harshing my chi.

There’s something to all of that positive, feel good affirmation shit. The idea is not to ignore negativity; obviously if you spill something or something breaks, you need to clean it up and replace it, not ignore it and hope it goes away. But dwelling on it doesn’t fix the situation either.

There was something I neglected to mention in my journal entry yesterday: an interesting dream where I was somewhere seeking asylum in some Jewish temple and wound up having yet another strange conversation with the Jewish god. Yes, I’ve had a few of these dreams; one of the blessings of being a polytheist is not freaking when I have any sort of experience with any other deity. I’ve also been informed that that whole polytheist vs monotheist battle thing is a human thing, and They Just Don’t Care. I sometimes wonder if it’s the equivalent of inheriting an ancestral deity? No idea. Anyhow.

Wonderful evening with friends, at a gathering for my birthday I wasn’t going to have until my friend died. One of the people who thanked me for being in her life. Apparently not many have stuck around for her. I remember reading through my now deceased friend’s LJ and crying when I found out that she too avoided people because so many close to her had either betrayed her or died and how much I related to that. It woke me up. It’s amazing how much in the process of social interaction we can take for granted because of the hurts of the past and the temptation to withdraw into our little shells. People have left my life for a reasons, but they entered it for a reason too. You can’t be so afraid to die that you’re afraid to live. I am insanely blessed to have the people in my life whom I do, and my friend may not realize it but what she said to me was the best birthday gift I could’ve been given.

It still feels hard and surreal knowing my now departed friend will never again attend another one of my social events nor I hers. She had been to my birthday dinners in the past. I miss her.

Evening rite went well, but I was wiped.

Morning rite went well. I remembered this morning how I would start my day versus how I’ve occasionally done so in the past, and it worked.

Still facing a good deal of legal aggravation with the refi. But you know, it’s amazing how the techniques I’ve been making an effort to use have been helping me to adjust my focus.

My HGA is conspiring to have me work from home as much as possible, as I took a nice fall on my way to work. I thought I was fine until the pain in my wrist increased by quite a bit this evening and I wound up in the emergency room. Prescriptions for strong pain meds are awesome and cheap however.

Evening rite went fine although some creativity was involved. It’s amazing how much we don’t consider that we do with two hands. Minor things, but did fine.

I should not be waking up in the morning and first thing I do before I even do the Abramelin is be on Facebook. That ends today. It’s embarrassing to admit to but there you have it; it’s an immense energy suck that is doing no one any favors. I think this morning’s rite went well, but it mostly went into a rant on–you guess it–boundaries. I like to be a force for good in the world and there are certain causes I believe in. But I need to figure out a) how to be discerning in which ones I engage in b) more discerning in how I choose to engage them c) how much energy I engage in the doings of said things and d) how to let go after I’ve engaged so that it doesn’t continue to drain the life out of me in the rest of my day. I also need to figure out how to best communicate this to people in a way that doesn’t make them feel that they’re either bothering me or it’s their fault; it’s not. I want to continue to be around for people when they need me, and my nature is to do and be just that. I just have to monitor myself accordingly so that I can be of better help to them because let’s face it…they deserve better and so do I.

Or as I best phrased it online:

If I were engaged in looking upon cute cat pictures after I wake up and before I do my Abramelin rite, I could at least argue that I’m focusing on uplifting shit which puts me into a positive frame of mind. If I spent it in private message with someone offering hugs and support in a time of crisis, I too could argue I’m spending my time doing good things before I enter into the temple room for my morning operation.

When I find myself engaged in arguments online before I do my morning rite, I am in need of adulting. I have to put on my big girl pants and stop this nonsense. I am badly in need of being more discerning with how I’m spending my energies.

Anyhow.

So I spent the day on two things: 1) moving my focus elsewhere 2) finding new avenues for that.

Evening rite went okay, but I am WIPED. Lots of stuff I’m still processing, and I think it’s drained the crap out of me.

Morning rite went well. Last night got a bit…well, intense, so there was some struggles.

The day however seemed to veer in an entirely different direction. I don’t know if I’m turning into some pagan/occult version of Veronica Mars or reeling in the strange, elusive karma which seems to haunt me in regards to Calling People On Their Shit. To my credit, I DID confront the perpetrator with what was said about me. Of course he denied it…then went to others and not only restated what he did but claims that I am the one lying about it. Fascinating.

It is a challenge not to have emotional investment. 1) I do not like people being abused and used in my name, or people name dropping me in order to manipulate others and 2) I know what it’s like to be screwed and deceived before in the name of spiritual and magical development, so it’s an issue deeply personal to me. It’s hard not to react. It’s hard not to been incredibly skeeved and creeped out by what has been said about me (the person in question has some deeply rooted clinical issues and is apparently quite obsessed with me) and it’s also hard not to be filled with utter rage that people were abused like this while my name was being dropped as proof that this person was on the level, which he obviously was and is not.

This issue and the mortgage refi drama basically framed my day, but the latter was really a drop in the bucket. I am doing my best to keep a level head and focus on what I need to, but I had my little shit fit and acted accordingly. No details, just suffice to say I put in an appropriate request, a message in the bottle for those who need to know, so to speak.

Evening rite went well, I think. I asked for clarity on many things and just spoke my heart, as always. It’s all I can do.

It’s interesting to see the pattern of entries right before certain issues come up. It’s like I have my finger on the pulse before things happen. First my friend, then this.

Morning rite went well. Today is my birthday and apparently EVERYONE at my tiny office is working from home so I get to do so, too. Nice birthday gift so far!

I spent the day getting some work done then walking around, generally feeling good. Still tangled up in straightening out some very epic drama involving someone in the community. Liars and abusers and creepers. That theme continues. I am getting shit straightened out and am helping people caught in the aftermath. My HGA, apparently, has a lot to say to me on this subject but I’m also sure he’s quite aware of why I started this operation to begin with.

Evening rite went well, too. I will have a lengthier entry tomorrow to be sure. I have a lot going on and am still processing it all.

Morning rite went okay. The theme of boundaries continues to pervade. It’s funny; I consider myself to be very assertive bordering on near aggressive, very outspoken, and incredibly far from being a pushover. It appears that these boundary issues are very select and pertaining to very specific things in my life. I need to watch these things more carefully and examine why they’re the exception to the rule and not the rule. An important email, in fact, was just sent, as those boundaries are yet again being tested.

Also something I’m noticing coming up: bullies and how I react to them. I’ve always had an allergy to them, but it seems that I am crossing paths with them more often than not during this time. And when they do, I confront…and typically the shit hits the fan because they don’t like that. XD I’ve just dealt with two in the past five minutes alone, interestingly enough both of them appear to have similar opinions except one is being passive-aggressive about it, and the other is just being…well, aggressive.

Naturally it’s kind of obvious to note that boundary pushers typically are bullies. And sometimes–and more often than not–they are also abusers.

Another thing that is coming up in combination with bullies: abusers and cult leader types, elements of my past bad experiences with esoteric orders and groups coming into play and helping some people who have come forward to me about their own experiences. A lot of this stuff bridges my experiences in the occult communities with that of the Hellenic pagan. Brings back a lot of memories and lessons learned the hard way. I hope I can help people to better absorb theirs and let them know they’re not alone and they too can heal.

Healing has honestly been the theme of the Abramelin working so far. Burn, heal, and evolve. Cleanse, purge, and elevate.

Evening rite went well. I’m a bit punchy right now; I feel the need to seriously do some purging and I’m about to collapse right now. That whole past revisiting/reclaiming thing is slamming forth in the form of wave after wave, and with it comes the opportunity to work through issues in a way which is positive to both me and others. I welcome and accept that opportunity. Tonight was definitely priestessing night.

I just realized that I’m technically now in the second half of phase 1, if using the Mathers’ version. I have essentially “signed myself up” for six months to start but as I’ve been telling my HGA (and anyone reading this blog) it’ll take as long as it takes. Not here for a drive thru and fries with that to go.

Morning rite went well. I leave to go back home today and it’s back to my regularly scheduled rites and location. My dreams were both normal, and not. My subconscious had a lot to rant my about in regards to personal boundaries. Again with the pendulum: I’m typically either super militant about them to the point where everything and everyone is shut out, or I have massive issues with people who start disrespecting them and treating them as a joke. Needs to be somewhere in between. This is a universal problem on the Internet, “real life”, etc. Issues with my family later on confirmed that feeling. Tests, tests, and more tests.

I had an interesting conversation with others today about our relationships with the gods, how specific ones have affected our lives, etc. It was wonderful to talk about things I normally don’t feel comfortable sharing with a great many people.

Evening rite went well. I missed being in my temple room.

Lots of dreams about my friend last night, lots of weirdness. No nightmares per se and slept well otherwise.

Morning rite went well. Where I’m staying I have an eastern window! I usually just face east, no window. The fresh air and sunlight is nice.

Not surprisingly, I’ve had my first share of negative commentary whining that I’m “profaning my angel” by blogging this and my experiences. First of all…anyone reading this can tell that there are some matters I speak very obliquely about. I’m not baring my soul here. Secondly…it’s between me and my HGA. On day 30 I think I’d hear or perceive something if there were a problem. In any event, my task is simple: inspire others to get out there and do the work. Since I’ve started posting I’ve had all sorts of private messages telling me them that my Abramelin posts have inspired them to get back into the fray, so to speak, and do the Work. That shit THRILLS me. I live for that. For that reason and that reason alone, I cannot see what I am doing as a bad thing.

I took my oath publicly because it’s not a private oath. I’m holding myself accountable. Others have done the same.

I believe in what I’m doing, and by the gods, I will see this through.

Morning rite went well. I think I dreamed about my friend last night, far too many clues: the hair, the singer moving to Canada, and starting up her own city. I commented ages ago, wondering about whether or not there were entire cities of the dead. And there was so much white everywhere, and strange things like talking and blinking dolls.

I feel like this entire experience right now is a treasure hunt, with one clue leading to the next. I’ve traced it back to my days back in the Golden Dawn all the way through to my third Portal initiation (long story) in 2007 and a conversation with EHNB around Sept/Oct of the same year. After rambling at me in Enochian, he had but one word to say to me, and he said it over and over again: “Evolve.” He gave very little instruction, mostly just imagery.

Honestly…I feel good. Better than I have in a long time. I think I’m on the right track towards many, many important things. I hope that I am right. I had a lot of insights while driving, which I tend to do. I also needed the time to myself to meditate.

Tonight I did the crystals in the corners of the room and the one representing the Abramelin altar thing in my room here while I stay over visiting my family. I think I did okay and it went okay. Travel need not be such an obstacle I can’t work around it. As I said earlier…no excuses.

And tomorrow is yet another day.