Tag Archives: magick

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Abramelin, day 13

Morning ritual went well. I once again slept right through the sunrise alarm. Not even sure why I still have it.

I will be working from home today again, will back in the office tomorrow. I didn’t sleep very well. I am still running a temp. Doctor’s appt made as it’s fairly obvious it’s my annual sinus infection. I hoped not to get it this year but the stress with the job, the sleep interruptions due to the start of the Abramelin, the mortgage refinance endless drama, and of course the death of my friend didn’t really contribute to wellness for my immune system.

l-i-f-e g-o-e-s o-n

I forgot to post this yesterday, but when I came home to light a candle for her on Hermes’ altar, the radio started playing New Order’s “Regret”. Do you ever get the sense that your life is not your own, and things happen which seem just a little too neat to be coincidence? Does your life feel like it’s being written by someone else? I’ve never had the chance to really see anything in my life as being truly random. It’s why since yesterday I can’t stop saying “It makes no sense.”

I am in the wrong universe.

It’s not yet been two weeks doing this magical operation and it feels like two months. I’ve been adding more regular spiritual practice, something which I should’ve done ages ago. Sunday for Apollo, Monday for Papa Legba, Wednesday for Hermes, Friday for Dionysos. I might do Sunday during the day for Apollo and night for Dionysos at some point but will depend on schedule and the “flow”. Sunday is honestly a crazy day of ritual as is.

Evening rite was okay, although nearly as long as last night’s. I need to take as long with the Abramelin as possible. I don’t care how long it takes; I’m not stopping until it’s done. I’m not settling for randomness, blue pills, and pointlessness that just turns into poison. I just can’t.

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Abramelin, day 12

Morning rite went well. I once again slept through the sunrise alarm and thanked my HGA for letting me sleep in.

At work this morning after I got in I found out that a good friend of mine whom I had met over a decade ago died in what I can only describe as a random and senseless tragedy for someone who had kicked ass, took names, and even beat the ever-living shit out of cancer twice. I let my boss know and he let me go work from home. I can’t really think straight nor can I stop crying. She was (gods I hate referring to her in the past tense) a fellow pagan , a fellow cat lover, and heavily into the local music scene and was an entrepreneur, smart, funny, and just a great person on the whole. Second to last time I saw her was at a party and we drank wine and talked about cats, physical fitness, and gods help me I can’t even remember the rest. We just had a good time chatting. Time after that was for a New Year’s Eve party. She put random small objects like the tv remote and a pair of sunglasses on top of the cat and took pictures, we were all giggling. Then we were traumatized by whatever performance came on after or before the ball dropped, I don’t remember. Something to do with Miley Cyrus I think.

We’re both busy as fuck with our lives and careers and didn’t get to hang out often, but I was constantly posting crazy cat lady jokes and pics on her well because hey, that’s how we both rolled. I met her at a goth meetup that no longer exists, ages and ages ago when I was trying to meet and make new friends in the area. She was going to do an interview for me and my author stuff but work got in the way, life got in the way, everything got in the way.

It doesn’t make any sense. I sound like every cliche in the book but she was supposed to grow up to become one of those cool, crazy old cat ladies and only die of ridiculous old age due to excessive punk rock, surrounded by cats and music.

We’re all grasping at pieces of eternity and I wish I had greater certainty of absolutely anything in this world. The people of this world and those who enter into our lives are an important part of them; people who go at lengths to deny this are terribly, terribly wrong. Reality is defined by us and those around us and without it, it would not exist. And if any of us figures out this crazy, fucked up merry go round roller coaster we’re on beyond what is visible then we have the absolute right as thinking, feeling beings to disseminate that amongst the rest of us and/or at the very least inspire others to do similarly.

I don’t know what to say about the evening rite other than I did it and it’s probably the longest one I’ve done so far.

Cleanse and purge.

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Abramelin, day 11

Abraham wasn’t kidding about the whole cleansing and purifying of the bedroom thing. Not kidding, not messing around, please don’t disregard this and if you do, you do so at your own peril. I had recurring nightmares all night, no desire to go into details but they only ended once the person in them tried to hit me on top of everything else, and I wound up going all lizard brain and trying to beat the shit out of him. Cleanse and purify, cleanse and purify. It’s gonna be my mantra. I am forced to work from home today because my body temp is going through the roof and as a result the not feeling well symptoms come along with it, so that gives me the opportunity to do this. I didn’t get it done yesterday when I should have. Again, will not be repeating this mistake.

Morning rite went okay. I am painfully aware of the fact that I asked to burn away obstacles and I guess my body is now an obstacle, or something. Spent a good chunk of the rite talking about either wanting to pummel someone or begging for forgiveness because this shit isn’t something to be dwelling upon. It will not help me. I’m getting myself back open again, cleaning crap out, and stuff is floating to the surface. When you shut down on everything, you’re delaying the inevitable and this is what happens to you. I now need to learn how to deal with this without shutting back down like I did before. Fun times! It’s part of the growing experience.

Cleanse and purify.

On a more humorous note, in one of the dreams, there were a few other women with me. One was a friend of mine named Heather, one was Rose Tyler, I was expecting Willow Rosenberg to show up so we could fully have the Plant Name Brigade. I mean really.

I’ve been noticing an influx of new/old people into my life as of late. It’s interesting and I can’t call it coincidence. I wonder what it is about the working that’s drawing them in/back. There seems to be a three part part to this process: burn away the bullshit, heal the rest, draw good shit in. I’m okay with this.

Laundry done. Hopefully this will make a difference. Last night was so…fucked up, I don’t even know where to begin. Holy hell.

Evening rite done, and went well. Need to think some more about that whole purge/heal/purify thing.

 

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Abramelin, day 10

Woke up with a start around 5:30, realized it was not yet quite before sunrise and fell back asleep…and slept right through the sunrise alarm. I woke up maybe 1.5 hours after it. Morning rite went well and I thanked my HGA for letting me sleep in. It’s quite possible that doing this when I wake up versus at sunrise isn’t so bad but I definitely have to be cautious on that whole “letting the Abramelin wreck my sleep” thing. This rite will go on for six months and I need to be in decent health. I’ve not been sleeping well as a result of the sunrise thing and maybe I need to rethink this for long term durability.

Last night I dreamed that I had gained the ability to teleport from one place to another, then I figured out how to travel through time. I wound up in 2010 and there was some woman whom I knew I had to keep my time traveling a secret from or she’d disapprove. Very strange.

Did somewheres around 35 three card tarot readings for people today in honor of Apollo, back to back…wow I am fried. I love helping people out but next time I rethink how many I do, lol. Nice offering rite to Apollo right before all that, too.

I am exhausted and running random temperatures. This is my body’s way of saying I need to chill out before I come down with something. It’s like a warning shot. I may need to work from home tomorrow in order to get some down time and catch up on life.

Evening rite done.

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Abramelin, day 9

Morning ritual, with incense, went well. Like a continuous conversation, this one picked up the thought I was beginning to have last night, the next step of my thought process that everything be done with mindfulness towards the rite so that nothing truly detracts from it. More so over, the idea of bringing out the spiritual further into the physical world, allowing everything about my interaction with my gods, my magic, my HGA, and me to permeate through everything. Leave nothing untouched, no stone unturned.

Went back to sleep, woke up, and saw my bedroom window beside me. Then I saw a flash of light, and was unable to tell if it came from the bedroom window that exists in my astral vision or the physical world. Things are already starting to meld.

A busy day of cleaning. I know that one day a week, I believe on Sun, is supposed to be dedicated to that task but believe me, it’ll be both days. Did lots of laundry, more to come tomorrow. A few weeks prior to starting the Abramelin I cleaned all of my gods’ altars. It seemed appropriate. There are lots of things in myself and in my life which must be burned away, and lots of purifying of the things which must remain–and a drawing in of things which I am lacking that I need. It’s a constant process.

Evening ritual, with incense, went well. I am exhausted but feel like I’m getting somewhere. I just have to be patient with myself and the process, but especially with myself.

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Abramelin, day 8

Morning rite done well…albeit yes, some whining about the job sitch. Ugh.

I must say though, something I have observed: I seem to be pushed more often into social situations versus getting the opportunity to spend time solo. I have given this some thought, and I think it’s because I’ve been pretty hermit’d for a while now…especially for me. Beyond online interaction, I don’t do anywhere near the amount of socializing I typically do–and haven’t in quite some time. For an extrovert, it’s weird to suddenly go introvert, although I’m a fairly balanced, middle of the road extrovert with a good deal of introvert qualities. The social interactions are random, and kind of reassuring…for a lack of a better term. I think maybe I needed it a bit? I think maybe I got too comfortable being by myself all the time.

Also been thinking about the whole work situation. It’s funny; I remember in the past when I was in a really, really horrible situation and being taken advantage of right, left, and center…and I just stuck it out. Nowadays I’d be all “fuck that noise” and would be in touch with my recruiters and would drop those idiots like a hot potato. I put up with WAY less crap than I used to, one chunk of it is due to increased sense of self respect and the other is due to a decreased tolerance to stress for No Good Reason. You can only stick around and martyr yourself for an unfixable situation where you’re basically positioned to take the fail for someone else’s ineptitude so many times before you realize it’s just not a good idea. At all.

Still getting a lot of interesting questions about my doing the Abramelin! I’m at the point now where I may as well make up a FAQ on my background or something, lol.

Evening rite went well. This evening was…odd. Prior to the rite, I mean. I did get some interesting insights into cleaning up blockages on a spiritual and magical level leading to the whole cleaning of the vessel, capacity to affect change in the physical world, rend the veil, etc. Interesting stuff, need to meditate some more on it.

 

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Abramelin, day 7

Here we are, last day in my first week of the Abramelin.

Morning rite went well, I think. I feel like I’ve made some good breakthroughs on a spiritual and psychic level. Not so much on the job front, however. I worked from home today–and am glad for it, as I’ve been fielding all kinds of fires and drama. Stress levels are at an all-time high to the point where I will either Peter from Office Space it and tune out or I will get sick. Predictably my body temperature has climbed two degrees, and this is my barometer: I think either the stress in this job needs to go or I do. Of course, the body temp rising could be due to the massive chakra and energy work I did last night too, but I’m sure that didn’t help.

So yesterday I did the evening operation of the Abramelin closer to bedtime, and despite the original instructions this seems to have a better “flow”. You begin the day and you end the day with the ritual. Seems to make sense to me, so I plan to go with it. I still plan to be mindful and aware of sunset as I am also observing sunset but will have the ritual take place close to bedtime.

I am getting “dragged” more into my religious community and amongst more opportunities for prayer, worship, and additional motivation/support for such. I think that this is an awesome thing. I have been solo and in a vacuum for a VERY long time now as my time spent in the Hellenic pagan community burnt me out, and having some personal events happen to me some years ago didn’t exactly help. It’s nice to be “back” and in tune.

I’ve also been learning that like with my workouts, my spiritual stuff has to be a “do or die” on a daily basis. Amazing that it’s taken me this long to learn this.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 6

Morning rite done. I had placed a bunch of empty tealights outside the temple room door, and just as I was finishing up my opening prayer I heard a “mrrrrr” then a white paw reached out from under the door to bat one of the empty tealight containers into the room. I couldn’t stop laughing for a good couple of minutes. My cats are supernaturally cute, and it’s really not unlike having furry, four legging toddlers running around. Interesting how the Abramelin stresses not letting animals into the oratory. Honestly, my furbabies have been banned from my temple room ever since they were kittens and managed to break a lamp and decapitate poor Pan.

Among the things I’m reflecting on is having more patience with myself, to see this process through and realize that changes will come over time, that while I am far from perfect this rite is also far from over. I could perceive Hermes at one point during the rite. I feel that he has a message for me.

More thoughts from my reading as posted earlier:

“Still reading through Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony and up to the part of the book where it discusses Dionysos and his various loves and lovers. One thing that strikes me is that it talks about Dionysos almost as if he gets bored easily and jumps from one person to the next. I actually think it’s the exact opposite. It’s not that the god feels nothing or changes easily; I think the god feels everything, all of that, all at once. One new lover doesn’t change feelings for a past one, it gets tacked on. I think the god feels too much, all at once, on a divine level and scale and that is maybe perhaps why he is known as the ‘mad god’.”

Dionysos may be the most misunderstood god in all of the Greek pantheon, and I blame Jung for this. Too many people thanks to Jung pigeonholed Apollo as god of “rationality” and Dionysos is a god of “passion”, not to mention the whole interpretation of Dionysos as “god of parties”. Has anyone even remotely read the Bacchae? I somehow don’t think Pentheus thought he needed to be wearing a party hat during his last moments. >.> In any event…it is my personal spiritual experience that Apollo is the one who has a goofy sense of humor and Dionysos is absurdly deathly serious.

With the help of a friend, I got some much needed cleansing/chakra work done tonight. Still very lightheaded. Went into evening ritual feeling more in the flow of things, however, and a better sense of what direction I need to be moving in.

It’s funny how many people either think I am crazy for doing this rite or just plain brave. I’m sure some are thinking “both”. They are probably much closer to the truth. Others, I’m sure, are wondering why I’m undertaking this under imperfect conditions. I can’t wait for perfect conditions. If I waited for perfect conditions in all things I would accomplish nothing. Like the man in the Fool card, I have to take that first step off that cliff. Fuck perfect conditions.

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Abramelin, day 5

Morning ritual performed. I am trying not to whine or complain when I pray at this point, but I kinda am. I realize it’s too much to expect massive changes in five days, and I am becoming painfully aware of the fact that my life is currently a black hole of stress, consisting of little more than work, sleep, food, and workouts. I’m also aware of the fact that things have to change and I really don’t know where to begin. I guess beyond keeping myself healthy and in my skinny jeans I don’t feel like I’m doing much with my life these days. My job isn’t horrible; I’ve had far worse and I actually LIKE my boss and my coworkers plus have some reasonable perks to working here. But I do feel like I’m lacking any real sense of accomplishment or being appreciated for all the efforts and stress I’ve been going through, nor do I feel like I’m doing what I want to be doing with my career. I also feel that I am being given all of the responsibility of a lead role but none of the actual perks of having one. Adding to my concern, during the past 6-7 months I’ve been here I’ve watched (and am watching) at least 7-8 people get up and leave, and this is not a big company. I realize that it is VERY likely given my past work history and the nature of this operation that I will be somehow forced out of this job before the rite is through or at its culmination, but I also realize that tacking on a job search to this operation will be just as stressful if not more so. I am also in the process of refinancing my mortgage and can’t afford to lose my job or it won’t go through. So I am praying for the best outcome, highest and best and all that. It’s all I can do.

I think that somewhere I hit a magical and spiritual rut and instead of beating my brains out trying to figure out a way to deal with it I more or less just found distractions, and they will not serve me here. This is a no excuses zone. I suspect that much of this operation will be a struggle between being myself and living up to my highest ideals and trying to get the rest of my life to match. And I have no illusions; in order to genuinely get my life to match I need to leave the IT world and go full time for life/wellness coaching, fitness training, and writing and my overhead may be too high for that. The good news is that my coaching business HAS been ridiculously successful so it’s not entirely impossible.

There’s a lot that needs improving on all levels of my life; I just don’t know where to start. One day at a time, I suppose.

Evening ritual went well. Less whining. 😉 I’ve spent my commute today to and from work reading Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony, and it’s made me think quite a bit about what I want to see in the world in regards to Hellenism and the gods in general, and how that ties into my own spiritual practice. As I posted to my other FB:

“Rereading Robert Calasso’s Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony. I remember back when I was gung ho about getting us our physical temples back, land, etc…now I’m thinking in broader terms. It’s about making the gods and their worship manifest absolutely everywhere…PERIOD. Beyond land, country borders, and even language. You can destroy a building, but you cannot destroy a god.”

Taking that some steps further, it’s about the unification of mythic reality and personal reality. In short, the magical life made manifest. I need to meditate on this some more.

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Abramelin, day 4

Morning ritual performed. What continues to strike me is how simple everything is. I also feel like this has already been going on for at least a week and I’m only on day four.

We don’t really have holy texts in my faith; the closest would be the Homeric and Orphic hymns, or Hesiod’s Works and Days and Theogony. I just purchased Robert Calasso’s Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony for my Kindle along with a Hesiod book collection. I have Calasso’s book in paperback and have read it a billion times since Apollo first came into my life, and it may be one of the few genuinely inspirational spiritual texts for me. Having them on my Kindle is pretty useful. I read fast and I can take it with me on my work commute.

Evening ritual went fine. One thought, though. Well, several. One of the repeated warnings about this rite is that eventually you can fall into one of those “dark night of the soul” things where everything feels like it’s not working, it’s all stupid, etc etc. I’m coming into this from an incredibly masochistic perspective given I’ve been battling the nastiest one I’ve ever had for the past few years; I figure at this point it’s “do or die”, and I’d rather thrive than merely survive.

Anyway.

I’ve been reading and rereading other people’s Abramelin accounts, and I find them pretty interesting. I wonder how similar or different mine will be in comparison with others’.