Tag Archives: alchemical development

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Abramelin, day 8

Morning rite done well…albeit yes, some whining about the job sitch. Ugh.

I must say though, something I have observed: I seem to be pushed more often into social situations versus getting the opportunity to spend time solo. I have given this some thought, and I think it’s because I’ve been pretty hermit’d for a while now…especially for me. Beyond online interaction, I don’t do anywhere near the amount of socializing I typically do–and haven’t in quite some time. For an extrovert, it’s weird to suddenly go introvert, although I’m a fairly balanced, middle of the road extrovert with a good deal of introvert qualities. The social interactions are random, and kind of reassuring…for a lack of a better term. I think maybe I needed it a bit? I think maybe I got too comfortable being by myself all the time.

Also been thinking about the whole work situation. It’s funny; I remember in the past when I was in a really, really horrible situation and being taken advantage of right, left, and center…and I just stuck it out. Nowadays I’d be all “fuck that noise” and would be in touch with my recruiters and would drop those idiots like a hot potato. I put up with WAY less crap than I used to, one chunk of it is due to increased sense of self respect and the other is due to a decreased tolerance to stress for No Good Reason. You can only stick around and martyr yourself for an unfixable situation where you’re basically positioned to take the fail for someone else’s ineptitude so many times before you realize it’s just not a good idea. At all.

Still getting a lot of interesting questions about my doing the Abramelin! I’m at the point now where I may as well make up a FAQ on my background or something, lol.

Evening rite went well. This evening was…odd. Prior to the rite, I mean. I did get some interesting insights into cleaning up blockages on a spiritual and magical level leading to the whole cleaning of the vessel, capacity to affect change in the physical world, rend the veil, etc. Interesting stuff, need to meditate some more on it.

 

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Abramelin, day 7

Here we are, last day in my first week of the Abramelin.

Morning rite went well, I think. I feel like I’ve made some good breakthroughs on a spiritual and psychic level. Not so much on the job front, however. I worked from home today–and am glad for it, as I’ve been fielding all kinds of fires and drama. Stress levels are at an all-time high to the point where I will either Peter from Office Space it and tune out or I will get sick. Predictably my body temperature has climbed two degrees, and this is my barometer: I think either the stress in this job needs to go or I do. Of course, the body temp rising could be due to the massive chakra and energy work I did last night too, but I’m sure that didn’t help.

So yesterday I did the evening operation of the Abramelin closer to bedtime, and despite the original instructions this seems to have a better “flow”. You begin the day and you end the day with the ritual. Seems to make sense to me, so I plan to go with it. I still plan to be mindful and aware of sunset as I am also observing sunset but will have the ritual take place close to bedtime.

I am getting “dragged” more into my religious community and amongst more opportunities for prayer, worship, and additional motivation/support for such. I think that this is an awesome thing. I have been solo and in a vacuum for a VERY long time now as my time spent in the Hellenic pagan community burnt me out, and having some personal events happen to me some years ago didn’t exactly help. It’s nice to be “back” and in tune.

I’ve also been learning that like with my workouts, my spiritual stuff has to be a “do or die” on a daily basis. Amazing that it’s taken me this long to learn this.

Evening rite went well.

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Abramelin, day 6

Morning rite done. I had placed a bunch of empty tealights outside the temple room door, and just as I was finishing up my opening prayer I heard a “mrrrrr” then a white paw reached out from under the door to bat one of the empty tealight containers into the room. I couldn’t stop laughing for a good couple of minutes. My cats are supernaturally cute, and it’s really not unlike having furry, four legging toddlers running around. Interesting how the Abramelin stresses not letting animals into the oratory. Honestly, my furbabies have been banned from my temple room ever since they were kittens and managed to break a lamp and decapitate poor Pan.

Among the things I’m reflecting on is having more patience with myself, to see this process through and realize that changes will come over time, that while I am far from perfect this rite is also far from over. I could perceive Hermes at one point during the rite. I feel that he has a message for me.

More thoughts from my reading as posted earlier:

“Still reading through Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony and up to the part of the book where it discusses Dionysos and his various loves and lovers. One thing that strikes me is that it talks about Dionysos almost as if he gets bored easily and jumps from one person to the next. I actually think it’s the exact opposite. It’s not that the god feels nothing or changes easily; I think the god feels everything, all of that, all at once. One new lover doesn’t change feelings for a past one, it gets tacked on. I think the god feels too much, all at once, on a divine level and scale and that is maybe perhaps why he is known as the ‘mad god’.”

Dionysos may be the most misunderstood god in all of the Greek pantheon, and I blame Jung for this. Too many people thanks to Jung pigeonholed Apollo as god of “rationality” and Dionysos is a god of “passion”, not to mention the whole interpretation of Dionysos as “god of parties”. Has anyone even remotely read the Bacchae? I somehow don’t think Pentheus thought he needed to be wearing a party hat during his last moments. >.> In any event…it is my personal spiritual experience that Apollo is the one who has a goofy sense of humor and Dionysos is absurdly deathly serious.

With the help of a friend, I got some much needed cleansing/chakra work done tonight. Still very lightheaded. Went into evening ritual feeling more in the flow of things, however, and a better sense of what direction I need to be moving in.

It’s funny how many people either think I am crazy for doing this rite or just plain brave. I’m sure some are thinking “both”. They are probably much closer to the truth. Others, I’m sure, are wondering why I’m undertaking this under imperfect conditions. I can’t wait for perfect conditions. If I waited for perfect conditions in all things I would accomplish nothing. Like the man in the Fool card, I have to take that first step off that cliff. Fuck perfect conditions.

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Abramelin, day 5

Morning ritual performed. I am trying not to whine or complain when I pray at this point, but I kinda am. I realize it’s too much to expect massive changes in five days, and I am becoming painfully aware of the fact that my life is currently a black hole of stress, consisting of little more than work, sleep, food, and workouts. I’m also aware of the fact that things have to change and I really don’t know where to begin. I guess beyond keeping myself healthy and in my skinny jeans I don’t feel like I’m doing much with my life these days. My job isn’t horrible; I’ve had far worse and I actually LIKE my boss and my coworkers plus have some reasonable perks to working here. But I do feel like I’m lacking any real sense of accomplishment or being appreciated for all the efforts and stress I’ve been going through, nor do I feel like I’m doing what I want to be doing with my career. I also feel that I am being given all of the responsibility of a lead role but none of the actual perks of having one. Adding to my concern, during the past 6-7 months I’ve been here I’ve watched (and am watching) at least 7-8 people get up and leave, and this is not a big company. I realize that it is VERY likely given my past work history and the nature of this operation that I will be somehow forced out of this job before the rite is through or at its culmination, but I also realize that tacking on a job search to this operation will be just as stressful if not more so. I am also in the process of refinancing my mortgage and can’t afford to lose my job or it won’t go through. So I am praying for the best outcome, highest and best and all that. It’s all I can do.

I think that somewhere I hit a magical and spiritual rut and instead of beating my brains out trying to figure out a way to deal with it I more or less just found distractions, and they will not serve me here. This is a no excuses zone. I suspect that much of this operation will be a struggle between being myself and living up to my highest ideals and trying to get the rest of my life to match. And I have no illusions; in order to genuinely get my life to match I need to leave the IT world and go full time for life/wellness coaching, fitness training, and writing and my overhead may be too high for that. The good news is that my coaching business HAS been ridiculously successful so it’s not entirely impossible.

There’s a lot that needs improving on all levels of my life; I just don’t know where to start. One day at a time, I suppose.

Evening ritual went well. Less whining. 😉 I’ve spent my commute today to and from work reading Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony, and it’s made me think quite a bit about what I want to see in the world in regards to Hellenism and the gods in general, and how that ties into my own spiritual practice. As I posted to my other FB:

“Rereading Robert Calasso’s Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony. I remember back when I was gung ho about getting us our physical temples back, land, etc…now I’m thinking in broader terms. It’s about making the gods and their worship manifest absolutely everywhere…PERIOD. Beyond land, country borders, and even language. You can destroy a building, but you cannot destroy a god.”

Taking that some steps further, it’s about the unification of mythic reality and personal reality. In short, the magical life made manifest. I need to meditate on this some more.

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Abramelin, day 4

Morning ritual performed. What continues to strike me is how simple everything is. I also feel like this has already been going on for at least a week and I’m only on day four.

We don’t really have holy texts in my faith; the closest would be the Homeric and Orphic hymns, or Hesiod’s Works and Days and Theogony. I just purchased Robert Calasso’s Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony for my Kindle along with a Hesiod book collection. I have Calasso’s book in paperback and have read it a billion times since Apollo first came into my life, and it may be one of the few genuinely inspirational spiritual texts for me. Having them on my Kindle is pretty useful. I read fast and I can take it with me on my work commute.

Evening ritual went fine. One thought, though. Well, several. One of the repeated warnings about this rite is that eventually you can fall into one of those “dark night of the soul” things where everything feels like it’s not working, it’s all stupid, etc etc. I’m coming into this from an incredibly masochistic perspective given I’ve been battling the nastiest one I’ve ever had for the past few years; I figure at this point it’s “do or die”, and I’d rather thrive than merely survive.

Anyway.

I’ve been reading and rereading other people’s Abramelin accounts, and I find them pretty interesting. I wonder how similar or different mine will be in comparison with others’.

 

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Abramelin, day 3

I woke up 15 minutes before I was due to do the ritual for the morning from a dream in which I had become a fictional character in my own world, and that “Scarlet Magdalene” was a new character on Doctor Who. Not even my real name, but the name I go by publicly in occult communities. The interesting thing was that in the episode I was brought in, there was a problem. There were TWO Doctors, the one that exists in this universe on tv and another one from another universe, and I somehow managed to cause this collision course between the worlds and hence became both real and fictional in this one. In the program guide online in talking about “me” they kept referring to me as Scarlet or Magdalene interchangeably as if they didn’t know what they would call me. Like no one is named Scarlet? Ha. Interesting.

Morning rite went well. I came back to my room, went online, and discovered that drama had been started on my FB by someone who was hoping to use pretending to know more about magic than I do in order to be a condescending pickup artist. All wondering aside if avoiding FB and people online needs to be done earlier in the operation than I would like, I wonder if the dream and the drama were somehow related. While I don’t feel the need to be entirely removed from the online world and social interaction just yet, I DO wonder if I am asking to be dragged into people’s spheres of personal melodrama and nonsense by doing so. Online I might as well be a fictional character with people attempting to interpret what I say and do for their own devices and doing the equivalent of writing fanfic about it.

I really don’t believe there is any difference other than perception between religion, myth, and fiction, and this isn’t to say that religion is false or that fiction is holy writ but instead that I am a big supporter of the multiple worlds theory, and that the idea of becoming a hero is about becoming a part of the body of myth and legend and in essence, achieving immortality. Not just through the remembrance and stories, but part of a larger set of realities beyond this small one of which we are only a mere part. I have more thoughts on this also but find it hard to put them into writing.

But in other news, no more stomach nonsense and pain. I took it easy today regardless, although I DID manage to have solid food. Woo.

Something I have noticed, especially during the evening ritual…so much of this is prayer, so much of it is confessional, the pouring of the heart out on so many things. In the process of this half rambling, half prayer, I stumbled across something important. I think some magicians may err in this is the false dichotomy of this rite in relation with the “rest of their lives”. On one hand, you don’t want to get sucked into bullshit which would be detrimental to the rite and to ultimate unification and K&C with your HGA. But on the other…creating and aiding that division between what is the rite and the “rest of your life” can give a push/pull which I don’t think is healthy and will lead to issues later on in trying to reconcile oneself after the rite is complete. Also, I think that mindfulness and pulling everything in will assist in bringing things to manifestation and true fruition. You just have to avoid the trap of getting caught in people’s muck and black holes.

Those are my thoughts for now.

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Abramelin rite, day 1

I had downloaded a program to keep track of sunrise and sunset with an alarm 15 minutes in advance. Naturally I wake up 30 minutes in advance. Truth be told–I am not a morning person. I remembered the prayer, but not the oil and consecration, so I went back in. Then I couldn’t find the headband, which is actually a piece of cloth I carry in one of the few books I’ve ever consecrated. I still can’t find it nor the book. I will be beating myself up for this, I know it.

Now as I compose this I also remember that this may have a practical purpose in stalling me. I plan to take the suggestion of someone else and procure four crystals and have them at each corner of the room, and consecrate those. Then I can take them with me when I travel so I can have the temple set up, so to speak, wherever I go. Once I have everything in place, I will reconsecrate. But the show will go on. I will be in a constant state of making this and myself better and I must remember that this is part of the process–I just have to be mindful not to make this an excuse to slack off or half-ass this, either.

I did a juice and smoothie fast past two days. Yesterday I gave up my usual workout, something I never do, but given the calorie deficit I kinda had to. I had a doctor’s appointment today so I worked from home, which is frankly ideal for starting the rite. I was going to have jury duty on Monday but YAY, I do not have to report. I’m kinda glad, honestly.

The evening was more of the same. This time instead of showering beforehand, I washed my face and hands. It’s standard practice in Hellenism anyhow; you never pray or give offerings otherwise. I also thought to anoint the tealight in the lamp with the Abramelin oil. I am really, really wary of leaving anything burning unattended but am okay with tealights.

The energy of my temple room right now is…REALLY intense. And I’m definitely feeling a shift myself. The simplicity of this rite is not to be underestimated, I am thinking.

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What it means to be a magician or a witch

A blog post by Nick Farrell on signs you are not a real magician has been circulating through the occult community. Although an excellent and well-written rebuttal has already been posted (and you should check it out), given the topics I’ve been blogging about lately I figured I’d add my $0.02 worth. Edit: another good (but brief) rebuttal can be found here.

First of all, to address the idea of whether or not you are a “real magician” or a witch: if you study and practice any form of magick or have at any given point, you are indeed a real magician/witch/occultist. Nick compares this to whether or not you are a “real writer”. Well, guess what? Same thing! If you write, you are a writer. Period.

There was an excellent article in the September 2013 issue of Runner’s World about this, actually, under the “Newbie Chronicles” section by Marc Parent. The title of the article “You’re a Real Runner If…” with the byline, “How do you know? Never mind the miles and shoes, look at the laundry!” In that article, he states the following: “The problem with authenticating yourself as a ‘real runner’ is that the distinction is a moving target. If a real runner is someone who goes long or fast, then almost any measure pales in comparison to the person who goes longer and faster.”

And it’s true. Being a runner, a writer, a magician/witch isn’t a destination, it’s a process. And if that process is yielding proof that you’ve been sweating/doing the work, you are IT! You are REAL! You have arrived. You don’t need a special title, approval from your favorite occult blogger, or any of that bullshit.

There are a few key points in Nick’s blog post that I want to address however, so I’m going to tackle them in order.

  1. “Your life is the same.” If your life has remained the same, it’s not that you’re not practicing magick and/or not a “real magician”; it’s that you are not growing as a magician and as a person. It means you have not done enough personal development to get your Will to the point where you’re out there, kicking ass. It doesn’t have to come overnight, and anyone in the craft will tell you that not only does “slow and steady win the race”, but also that “small steps add up over time.” If you’re expecting only huge epiphanies and changes as signs of growth, you may be quite disappointed. Cherish every victory and change, big or small. Look for them and EXPECT them. Be a magnet for the change and growth you wish to see in the world and in your life.
  2. “You have not lost at least one relationship because of magic.” It is true that with personal development often comes separating the wheat from the chaff, and that sometimes you will be forced to let go of people in your life who are either toxic and/or holding you back. But if you are isolating yourself to the point where magick is an obsession and you are not giving your partner, family, or friends their just due, it’s time to pull back and remember why you’re here to begin with. Some alone time to reflect, meditate, and process your life changes is normal. Hurting those whom you love is not. Therefore I don’t think making a sweeping statement without reflecting upon both sides of the story can be used here; as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. I also think that the whole “poor, persecuted magician” mindset needs to banished. Are we trying to grow as people, or are we trying to do some weird teenaged rebellion? If you’re finding that the time and attention spent on magick is making your relationships difficult, you need to evaluate: is it that the people in your life are unhealthy for you, or are you becoming unhealthy to both them and yourself?
  3. “You have lots of hobbies.” I laughed long and hard at this one, because it goes along with my previous point. If you are obsessing over magick to the point where you are alienating everyone around you and you have no other interests or pursuits in life, it is unhealthy. You are neither developing as a person or as an occultist. Here’s the thing: to truly bring about your Will into manifestation, you need to realize that every single part of your life is a part of your magickal practice. Every. Single. Part. The moment you absorb that, there is nothing you cannot affect from your practice, and you become more magickally efficacious as a result. From that perspective, you need a balanced life. I myself am a fitness nut, a writer, have numerous geek interests, and take the time to cuddle my cats whenever I can. All of these things contribute to my life as a magician, not detract. Who I am as a magician does not begin and end with my donning a robe and going into my temple room. It is a part of my everyday life. I am a magician when I pay my bills, when I drive to work, when I go out for a run, and when I give one of my kitties scritches under the chin.
  4.  “You have an active social life.” Nick argues that occultism is a “lonely thing”. Please see #2 for my full philosophy on that.Yes, you will find that there are, on occasion, people who are either toxic and/or unhealthy for you. They may be pedaling backward while you’re trying to move forward. Some people will pass out of your life as a result, and you will have to let them go. On rare occasions they will spring back and come to realize what they did to themselves and their relationship with you. On the other hand, isolating yourself is unhealthy. Friends and family are important. In addition, having a sounding board of people who can call you on your shit is immensely invaluable. If you have a friend or a loved one who does not hesitate to praise you and be happy for you when you do good and also let you know when you’ve screwed up (albeit in a caring and constructive way), treasure them like gold. Again, people practicing magick with the idea that it is some weird teenaged rebellion need to rethink their approach, attitude, and reasoning behind why they are here. It is not meant to isolate you from the world but to help you become a better contributing member of it. If you’re not able to do that, it’s time to do some serious personal work and find out why you feel that being around others is holding you back. Is it the wrong choices of people, or is it you? Find out. Dig deep. Leave no stone unturned and remember that your shit stinks just as much as someone else who doesn’t practice magick.
  5. “You think that something else is important.” Yes, your health is important. Your family is important. Your friends are important. Taking care of yourself is important. And all of these things are a part of the practice and work as a magician. Your life is not separated out into little boxes labeled “Personal Development”, “Family”, “Health”, “Work”, and “Magick”. All of these things overlap and affect one another, and something out of whack in your life could be the proverbial canary in the coal mine. The more you get involved in magick, the more you will realize that it’s not the equivalent of drive-through Sunday church. You are not solely a magician whenever you perform a spell or do a meditation. It is a part of your everyday life. It’s who you are to yourself and to others. Any separation is artificial and will hold you back from doing the Work. I cannot stress this enough.
  6. “You think that things in magic are literal and physical.” Nick argues that “nothing in magic is literal, most of it is symbolic and few things relate to physical events”. Speaking as a magician who does indeed do a lot of astral work, I could not disagree more. The idea that magick is symbolic and only exists in your mind also completely contradicts the idea that if you’re really progressing in the craft that your life should not remain the same. Magick is more than mere symbolism, and YES, you can cause physical changes on a very great scale. The idea of magick being merely psychological is a very “in vogue” thing in the modern day occult community, and it’s something I very much wish would die. If you are causing no changes to occur in the physical world and in your life, you are doing very little other than engaging in mental masturbation. In essence, you are saying magick doesn’t really exist. I’ve often found that magicians who claim the “magick as purely psychological” model are those who are disillusioned, cynical, have not genuinely done the amount of personal work and growth needed to practice magick, have strong doubts over their own magickal capacity and of themselves in general, and think that just because they have not succeeded in bringing about any sort of physical change that it cannot happen for them or for anyone else. People who have limiting beliefs on what they can and cannot accomplish will naturally find themselves gravitating towards this paradigm.

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, either way you are right.” -Henry Ford

People hold themselves back all the time and make excuses for it. In this instance, I see a LOT of problems with little to no personal development or work being done and blaming it on the practice of magick–or worse yet, seeing it as being NORMAL for practicing magick. If what you are doing is causing harm to yourself and/or others, is ultimately unhealthy, and isolates you from everyone else, you are not progressing. You are, in fact, moving backwards.

I am very grateful for Nick’s post as it’s a perfect illustration and teaching tool for what I’ve been saying in my Personal Development and Magick blog posts. This is why doing personal growth and development is so essential as as magician. Anything else is just an excuse to not leave your comfort zone. Magick will not necessarily destroy your life, but YOU can destroy it as a result of not doing the very important evolution you need to do as a person. And also, in case it hasn’t been already been inferred from everything I’ve been saying here: if you are a magician/witch/occultist and you are fighting very real obstacles in your life towards happiness and well-being, it’s not that you’re not a “real” magician; it’s that you haven’t done the necessary internal work in order to “purify the vessel”, as it were. You are that channel for your Will, and if the channel is cloudy, your Will will come out cloudy too.

The whole stereotype and mindset of magicians need to be poor, struggling, suffering, and impoverished in every way and that this is a “normal” and “acceptable” part of being involved in esoteric pursuits needs to banished, never to be seen or thought of again or used as an excuse. If you were truly evolving as a person and as a magician/witch, there would be none of that. If you are practicing magick and you are still struggling with the basics (ie., living from paycheck to paycheck, no friends, health is awful, romantic life is miserable, etc.) you need to get your shit together and start getting some personal work going. Read some good self help books. Hire a life and wellness coach, especially one that understands occult practices and can help you from that angle. I’m both a Certified Life Coach and an occultist, am available if you need an ear, and can be contacted for free consultations.

 

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Alchemy and your comfort zone

Here’s a great question I’ve seen raised: how does one know whether or not one is ready for the next stage of alchemical development or advancement within their chosen path?

I’ve seen people race through the grades of the HOGD and similar esoteric bodies like it’s a sprint and not a marathon with the reasoning of “alchemy is just an excuse for being lazy” and other similar bullshit. Honestly, the more I look back on my time spent in the HOGD the more I realize how incredibly valuable the Outer Order was for personal development and how much of it was taken for granted, overlooked, and just plain ignored in terms of importance.

So, here’s the deal: when you’re comfortable, it’s time to move on. If you’re itching to get to the next level, it means that wherever you’re at is still stretching your comfort zone, so it’s time to stay put. Magick begins at the end of your comfort zone, and this goes in all areas of life. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Like with physical fitness, those muscles need growing, stretching, and strengthening time. There are times when it’s good to take a rest day and there are times when you gotta suck it up, buttercup, because you won’t evolve unless you do.

This is why when I first was getting back into yoga I kept requesting core work when the teacher would ask what we wanted to focus on that day. It wasn’t because I loved core workouts; I fucking HATED them. I found them challenging, hard, and I was struggling to get any of it done. Now I have an emerging six pack, and core workouts are now a strength as opposed to a weakness. But that meant sucking it up and practicing, practicing, practicing so I could get better at them.

Alchemy is a very similar deal. Much like muscles, you may find that some aspects of your life are more out of shape than others–and will wail and scream when exercising. Out of all of the grades in the HOGD I had the most amount of growing pains in Practicus. The Water element  was NOT my friend. I was itching to get out of there so badly it hurt because the entire GRADE hurt. There were a lot of lessons I had to revisit later because I don’t think I spent enough time there. I think I should’ve been held back another year, quite frankly, but all in all I have no regrets.

I knew that I had found the ideal magickal system for me recently when I found myself thinking, “Holy hell, I feel like a fucking Neophyte. I know NOTHING. This is all over my head. HELP. WTF.” Nothing good will ever come easy,and pearls are formed in oysters through constant irritation.