Abramelin, day 169

Morning rite went well.

My father left today, leaving me alone with the kitties. I got to relax, which is a rare thing at this point in time. I wish it would be less rare.

Noon rite went well, but towards the start I had a vision of Apollo looking at me with an expression of amusement and “Ahem?”. I get nervous now when I have visions of deities during this rite complete with facial expressions. I am officially nervous. If nervous had a color I’d be wearing it.

I am wondering if this rite will be over once my current job contract is. That would make a lot of sense.

Evening rite went well.


Abramelin, day 167

Morning rite went well.

Kitties are doing well. Giving meds orally to a full grown cat, however, is never fun. And it’s twice a day.

Job nonsense continues. I need to grin and bear it, and move on when my contract ends.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk afterwards.

I have a lot of personal shit that I’m processing, and frankly much of it just needs to just be shelved either temporarily or permanently. And it’s a long time in coming.

I need to focus on the big picture.

Evening rite went well.


Abramelin, day 165

Morning rite went well.

Did NOT sleep very well last night. Very glad for my dad in town; he’s going to help me with the kitty thing. She needs a checkup tomorrow and I’ll be at work, and given the work drama I can’t afford to miss any more time.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk after.

My stress levels are declining, thankfully. I keep praying for a break. I do not think this job will go past 6 months. I just hope to make it that long. My dad has heard the full tale and agrees with me. Too many red flags.

Lots of cuddle time with cats. They’ve earned it. So have I.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 164

Dreamed of Dionysos last night. Apparently it’s Greek gods central in my brain. Again, VERY vivid dreams.

Morning rite went well. My other cat is still giving the other one trouble. Ugh. Spent lots of time this morning huggling the two of them. Sisters, meh. My dad has offered to come up and help out with the kitties for the next week or so and I may take him up on it. I’m overwhelmed by everything.

Noon rite went well. I feel closer to the finish than the start for the Abramelin, that’s for sure. It’s just a matter of when I’m done “cooking”.

Day spent doing work from home, kitties, out for dinner, more kitties, more work…I need downtime.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 163

Morning rite went well.

Got the call to come pick up my kitty and made the appointment, took care of noon rite first then did my errands.

Much of today was spent running around dealing with kitty related stuff: getting the meds, the food, the everything. She’s a sweetie but she’s not loving the dropper of antibiotics and potassium supplements I’m forced to put into her mouth. The insulin shots are just barely doable. And her sister is hissing at her because she smells funny from having been in ICU with lots of others cats and dogs for so long.  I will probably have a visit from my dad to help me with all of this shit. In the meantime I have a very real and painful headache and I’m more than a little overwhelmed. It’s been a rough week.

I need a break.

Got some nice cuddle time with kitties in hallway. Just sort of went to lie down on the floor and suddenly it was purr time. That helped, at least.

Evening rite went well.

I’ll be ending the evening with a lavender filled pillow over my eyes and some painkillers.

Abramelin, day 161

Morning rite went well.

My kitty is doing MUCH better. She may even be able to go home tomorrow night or the Sun morning. I’m quite relieved.

Of course, the rest of the drama is piling on now that I’m no longer stressed my cat’s going to die on me: family drama is bad drama with end of life issues of a grandparent in a large and well, dynamic family. I’m staying the fuck away from that shit as much as possible.  Then there’s work drama–apparently even though I’ve only been there for 5 weeks higher ups are complaining that I’m not doing enough, lolwhut. There’s been little red flags here and there that have told me that while my boss is great, the people above him are nucking futs. I don’t say this lightly. They are exposed to one technology, situation, or method which was not used correctly and therefore are against it ever since, and more than one policy has struck me as going way past micromanaging and into neurotic territory. I am also almost completely confident they cannot afford me full time and are griping about how much I cost in comparison with everyone else there since there’s my hourly wage AND what the agency gets paid on top of that. My boss admitted I cost more than everyone there, including him. In other words I will have to work absolutely harder than everyone there to justify why they brought me on board to begin with with paper trails up the wazoo to prove that I am a functional member of the team. They can’t even afford me now and I’m just barely at the average for my profession and seniority AND have had bad experiences with new people before (note previous comment on neuroses on prior bad experiences with anything). Why they brought me on board as contract to perm and the other new people are perm given their issues I have no idea either; it makes no sense. I don’t see this working out. Then there’s medical insurance drama. I’m going to have to go back to the COBRA plan from my previous employer, which thankfully is still active, as my current agency’s plan is for people who don’t get sick, have generic versions of medicine they require, and don’t need allergy shots on a regular basis. Fucking hell.

Basically I’m going to do my best and not stress out about the work sitch. I’ve had more than one dream about this job that told me things will not work out, and the conversation I had with my boss today was almost word for word what I dreamed about last night when I dreamed of him talking to me. No joke.

I need to become self employed.

Noon rite went well, then kitty visit at the animal hospital.

Rest of day was cuddles with my other kitty then a second visit to the recovering kitty. I am thankful for the three day weekend. I have HAD it. This has been a very, very stressful and shitty week, jeans that were fitted on me last week can now be taken off without unbuttoning them. Again, I do not recommend this weight loss plan. 0 out of 5 stars. On a plus note, I do look great in size 26 skinny jeans. 😛

I recognize that all of this is part of the process and there will ALWAYS be something. But this week was the worst I’ve had since my friend died, and I can’t even think of a worse one prior to that without really getting into some very bad personal history. I sometimes wonder beyond the obviousness of personal development what I am truly gaining from this and whether or not this is helping me to get to where I both need and want to be for the Abramelin vs serving as a distraction.

But hey, if this job ends unexpectedly at least I won’t have to worry about when to take that week off. 😛

Evening rite went okay, I think. I am drained beyond drained.


Abramelin, day 160

Morning rite went well.

My kitty is apparently doing MUCH better today. She’s now not only eating voluntarily but the doctors learned the hard way that she thinks she’s a puppy dog; she’ll eat everything you put in front of her. So they’re spacing it out and giving her small amounts, lol

Noon prayer rite went well.

I have my anxieties about my current job and in addition, when/how to take the week off I need to finish this operation. I still have no sense of when, just “soon”. But I need to give at least a month’s advance notice for something like a week.

A lot less stress now that I know my cat will be okay, but stomach still not happy with me. I do not recommend this weight loss “plan”. 0 out of 5 stars. And my other cat does NOT like being alone and wants more attention than usual, which is a LOT of attention. My poor baby. Both of my poor babies. 🙁

I am so tired. Thankful for the three day weekend. Wishing I had way less stress right now.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 158

Morning rite went well.

I will say however that I know why I woke up the previous night the way I did. I had to rush one of my kitties to the clinic, then to the animal hospital. She’s pretty sick, so far they’re saying diabetes and kidney disease. She’s only eight. 🙁 She’s the sweetest teddy bear of a kitty. I’m a wreck. I worked from home, but not really.  I was gone from 11am-5pm for the whole thing. She’ll be in the hospital next 3-4 days.

Noon rite done once I got home.

I think about how this year would’ve gone had I not done the rite and have concluded it’s given me strength I would NOT have had. I don’t even want to contemplate where I’d be right now otherwise. The death of my friend and my cat’s illness and so much of everything else would’ve happened regardless.

I spent the evening watching tv with my other cat. They’re sisters and I don’t think they’ve been apart since they were born.

I don’t recall the last time I’ve prayed so much. Shittiest day I’ve had since I found out my friend died. I hope my kitty pulls through.

Past few days Peter Gabriel’s “Big Time” has been in my head. I don’t know why. I’m also a lot less certain that this operation will go on for as long as I thought it might have. If something freaky happens to my job or I get some sort of “directive” to take a week off in Oct/Nov, I won’t be surprised. I’ll put it like that.

In the meantime, praying like hell to Artemis/Diana for my cat.

Evening rite went…well, about as well as it can be.