Today has gone from “It’s not you, it’s the agency employing you” to “It’s you.” They called my boss and apparently pissed him off and now suddenly it’s a different story than what he originally said. No choice now, I HAVE to look for another job. So much for that reference. Basically since they pay me more than absolutely everyone else there including my boss (which keeps getting mentioned to me like it’s my fault or I should feel guilty about it or something) they expect me to be more “senior” than everyone, absolutely everyone. If I cough it’s a black mark on my record. They never should’ve hired me if they were going to be that resentful of my rate + what the agency charges as overhead and it makes me wonder how low they’re paying everyone else.
So much for getting a break from stress. I am beginning to wonder if I have some fucked up curse in regards to jobs and employment. I badly want to be self employed and get away from all of this shit, but it’s very hard running a side business while all of this insanity is going on.
I don’t get it. More than six months later I’m still battling the same issues. Have I gotten anywhere at all? Has anything genuinely changed? And all I ever do is getting sucked up into this shit with no time for the shit that really matters. I started this operation with massive, horrible job issues and here I am again, same shit different job. Gods.
I have no idea what to do and I’m running out of options. I can’t live my life the way I’ve been living it, on ANY level, but beyond divine and/or magical intervention I have no idea how to get anything changed.
Evening rite…spent a good chunk of it ranting. Not in a good state right now.
More purification issues but I think I finally nailed it.
Been spending my time trying to focus on what inspires me. no matter how crazy. Screw it.
Kitties remain healthy and cute. Job sitch, I expect to probably be out of a job by around end of Oct. They’re even bringing someone in for a few months and mentioned him working on my project. My only desires for this job right now are a) as many paychecks as possible b) a very good recommendation from my boss and for him to continue to be happy with me and c) apt timing for its ending so that I can do the week long invocations to end the Abramelin.
Spent today relaxing then went out for a walk to enjoy what is undoubtedly the last day of summer weather AND the last day I will have off for over a month.
Gods help me.
Had a breakthrough today in regards to psychic awareness and the physical world.
Evening was spent doing kitty cuddle movie night featuring South Park and Groundhog Day. We know how to throw a party.
Had a flash of the funniest thing ever as I started the evening rite, and spent a good chunk of the opening giggling until I was laughing until I cried. I am such a Hermes child and wildly inappropriate than that, like comic sans in a resume inappropriate. But it went well.
Today my cat went in for glucose testing, with great news: she is no longer diabetic. Thank the gods. I still have to dose her food with antibiotics and the potassium supplement and she still has to stay on the special food, but no more shots. This is WONDERFUL.
Got a combination energy healing and massage. Kept getting told how “great” my energy was, finally got asked if I do energy work. Yes, I definitely do. 🙂
Went to my first coven event in ages, really missed everyone. Both this ritual and the next one I’ll be attending are appropriately themed to the Abramelin at this stage and that’s all I’m going to say, and the only people who will get that are the initiates in my coven and others. Anyhoo.
I guess the next stresses on my list will be bouncing between two vastly different jobs while wondering when the main one will end and continuing this operation.
I have a MASSIVE headache due to muscle strain in my neck and shoulders. Massive.
And now that I can finally sleep in in the morning I totally will.
Lots and lots and lots and lots of purification work needed. Lots. Today was a difficult day on many levels. I need both macrocosmic and microcosmic banishing right now. I’m ready to rip out pages of my old GD background and go right to it.
I must be getting close. I wonder if the end date is being decided upon for my job and all that.
Evening rite went well, but I nearly fell asleep beforehand. I am WIPED.
Long, intense day doing a lot of thinking. All of the bosses are away at a remote location so today and tomorrow are days to breathe, or at least try. Still putting forth a good faith effort.
Purification shower tonight. Having these nightly is a GOOD thing.
Had some realizations, none of which I haven’t had before, but on things I really hoped had been done over and put to rest. Certain people nee to let go of their bullshit surrounding me and stop dragging me into their internal dramas. I am not responsible for their emotional states nor their scapegoat for assuming responsibility over their own fucking lives, end of.
Became smack up against how much things have changed for me to the point of being dizzying. Thought about the dream I had last week that I didn’t go into detail about. In summary, I had a vision of eternity, and it was not all blissful and serene like so many people seem to think it is. It is relentless, unyielding, and crushes everything in its path. It is a power and force beyond measure. It outnumbers the stars and will outlive this universe and all others. It’s actually rather terrifying.
Was freezing last night when I went to bed, woke up in middle of the night and sure enough, temp of 101. Took two pills for fever and went back to bed. My body treats stress like illness so this honestly doesn’t surprise me.
Morning rite went well, as did noon prayer rite.
I’m feeling a bit better today, not entirely sure why. I’m still horribly stressed and it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon. I need to get out of this day job, I might feel a lot better.
After various phone calls and scrambling, I’ve reached what may be the obvious conclusion: I really should not be looking for a job right now. In fact, I think the best approach for this entire screwball situation is to let this one end in the most amicable way possible, focus on whatever is the remainder of my time in the part time job after that, THEN do my finishing week of the Abramelin rite. It’ll save me stress, will give me time off, and will help me have more control over this time in between jobs thing. As is, I wouldn’t be able to finish off this rite until November anyhow due to the part time job, so it’s not like it’d get me any additional time.
I alternate between being drained and exhausted beyond belief in a fashion that reminds me of the time I had mono and being completely anxious/jittery/stressed. It’s not good. Fuck weekly purification baths; I’ll be taking nightly purification showers from now on, if nothing else to relax my neck and shoulders enough to stop having the tension headaches.
Also cuddling kitties helps.
Nearly went to bed without doing evening rite, got it done.
Today I am battling all sorts of drama that’s causing anger flare-ups. I am wondering if this is a misdirection; that I am potentially irritated/angry/frustrated at something else and taking it out on lesser outlets because it’s easier, or if something is incredibly and painfully off with me right now. I did wake up exhausted, I have been quite drained lately. Most of it is probably hormonal (yay monthly) and some of it is probably just everything I’ve been going through in all aspects of my life right now. Interestingly I feel LESS stressed than I have been but it may be that I just pushed it off to my subconscious where it’s doing me no favors.
Looks like I’ll be working that part time job in Salem provided they’re okay with me only working until 7pm because of my kitty. I can’t wait until she no longer needs those shots. 🙁 I am looking at absolutely no days off for a while, second weekend of Nov to be precise. But I badly need the money, it’s something I’m awesome at, and enjoy. I had fun last year. However…maybe if I’m lucky my day job will let me go soon so I can collect unemployment and get some time off.
Took a purification bath. I know now why these things are necessary. I could write a whole essay on it and speaking as someone who is a devotee and priestess of a deity of purification I really ought to fucking do so.
Site went down tonight for long enough to remind me to back this shit up.
Spent today being incredibly exhausted, finally got enough energy to walk 5 miles to and from dinner, 10 in all. I will probably pass out tonight early.
The walk was good, however. Got to clear my head, something I badly needed. I’m too tired, too stressed, and have too much weighing on my mind. All I want to do is go on at least a month long retreat far, far, far, far away from everything. Just me and the kitties.
Painfully aware that I am now at the six month mark. I had a feeling things would be extended a bit and that has never bothered me, but I feel like the heat has been turned up several degrees.
I absolutely, positively, cannot live my life the way I’ve been living it. I can’t be here six months from now let alone a year from now or longer. I must change or die. I suppose when someone like me fears lack of change more than actually changing perhaps that says something.