Abramelin, day 37

Morning rite went well. I can now move my fingers which makes typing SO much easier. I didn’t want to type up yesterday’s entry with one hand and kept it short as is.

I really like this new setup I have for myself on my computer. I get tired of seeing the same negativity, whining, passive-aggression, and all that nonsense on social media harshing my chi.

There’s something to all of that positive, feel good affirmation shit. The idea is not to ignore negativity; obviously if you spill something or something breaks, you need to clean it up and replace it, not ignore it and hope it goes away. But dwelling on it doesn’t fix the situation either.

There was something I neglected to mention in my journal entry yesterday: an interesting dream where I was somewhere seeking asylum in some Jewish temple and wound up having yet another strange conversation with the Jewish god. Yes, I’ve had a few of these dreams; one of the blessings of being a polytheist is not freaking when I have any sort of experience with any other deity. I’ve also been informed that that whole polytheist vs monotheist battle thing is a human thing, and They Just Don’t Care. I sometimes wonder if it’s the equivalent of inheriting an ancestral deity? No idea. Anyhow.

Wonderful evening with friends, at a gathering for my birthday I wasn’t going to have until my friend died. One of the people who thanked me for being in her life. Apparently not many have stuck around for her. I remember reading through my now deceased friend’s LJ and crying when I found out that she too avoided people because so many close to her had either betrayed her or died and how much I related to that. It woke me up. It’s amazing how much in the process of social interaction we can take for granted because of the hurts of the past and the temptation to withdraw into our little shells. People have left my life for a reasons, but they entered it for a reason too. You can’t be so afraid to die that you’re afraid to live. I am insanely blessed to have the people in my life whom I do, and my friend may not realize it but what she said to me was the best birthday gift I could’ve been given.

It still feels hard and surreal knowing my now departed friend will never again attend another one of my social events nor I hers. She had been to my birthday dinners in the past. I miss her.

Evening rite went well, but I was wiped.

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