Morning rite went okay. I knew today would be an “interesting” day owing to work related issues and tonight’s memorial concert event held in memory of my friend and on her birthday besides.
I’ve had a lot going through my mind this whole time, and much of it has been filled with regrets. There are some things you can’t get second chances on, as unfair as it may seem, and this is one of those things. I spent so much time fearing that I didn’t have enough time that I made it into a self fulfilling prophesy. I also spent so much time withdrawing from life that I wasn’t able to really live. Surviving is not enough; you need to thrive as well.
It’s the little things I’m noticing: I’m almost perpetually tense, something I’ve never realized before and I don’t think I always have been. I rarely am genuinely relaxed. It’s more of a mental thing than a physical thing; it’s like I’m on hyperalert at all times and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It also interferes with me reaching that state which is ideal for doing any form of magic or act of will, which is that perfect union/serenity of will and letting go. I like to refer to it as “riding the Tao”; it’s the ultimate sweet spot that once you’re in it, you basically go into cruise control and accomplish everything you need and want to do.
Stress can really impact your psyche. I had a few fairly traumatic personal events occur over the past few years or so, and it basically turned me into an introverted hermit. Aside from a few select social groups and certain events, I have nowhere near the social life I used to have. Too many bad experiences with people just plain made me not want to deal with them.
Unfortunately I now realize that when I did that I missed out, and not only did I miss out, but I let the negative circumstances win. An extremely harsh lesson to learn, and one that I hope people will learn from me so they don’t go through what I did. People shouldn’t have had to die in order to get me to realize all this, and I think the reason why the Abramelin has so far gotten me more social as opposed to less is for this exact reason: I needed to learn it.
Cleanse and purge.
On the other side of the coin, there are aspects of this working which remind me of one of the reasons why I started avoiding socializing to begin with: I’ve had a massive surge of unwanted attention in the past week or so ranging from merely uncomfortable to HOLY HELL HOW CREEPY AND SKEEVY. And I mean, massive. I suspect given the nature of the working it’s to be expected. As I commented earlier, I don’t want to be as overly militant about my boundaries as I have been but at the same time I need to be about to assert them also. Tonight reminded me of this also.
I am currently reading The Remembering Process by Joe Vitale and Daniel Barrett. Highly, highly recommended. The idea is to treat goals as future memories and in remembering having already done it being able to achieve the goal. Pretty neat stuff. And I should be done in time for the Holy Guardian Angel book to arrive!
Evening rite went well. I have a lot to process.