Abramelin, day 15

And so I begin week three of the operation.

I woke up from some very intense dreams about Apollo and being in a world where I was literally Kyrene of the tales and legends. I was queen of some foreign land and wife of Apollo. It was a very strange dream and I got dragged into all sorts of crazy battles, politics, and what-have-you. There was also a part where I was instructed to give someone cookies that would have some strange supernatural effect on them. Then there was talk about having cookies in the cookies. There was also one point where I was in bed and there were candles lit, and I was paranoid about them falling over and causing fires, but they were all too small and just went out instead with no harm done. Too much Robert Calasso before bedtime and too high of a temperature, obviously, but seriously…that whole “knowledge and conversation” thing is sometimes a bit more than a mere euphemism. Towards the end of the dream I remembered who I really was, but it was like I was catapulted back into this reality but still dealing with the ramifications of that other world which started bleeding into this one.

Morning rite went well. I’m still waking up with a temp and spacey. It’s not high enough that I’m turning to drugs just yet and with any luck the antibiotics will kick in and I’ll be fine. It’s basically just high enough to give cognitive functions a serious crippling–it’s basically like being drunk or stoned minus the fun of each. Meanwhile my subconscious is being haunted by the spirits of dead friends and deities are traipsing through it as well. I mean, if there’s a deity of seances, astral travel, talking to dead people and what-have-you it’d very obviously be him. I had dreams where I was talking with my friend but I can’t remember much of anything that was said.

I think back to when I started wondering if Hermes was a patron of mine, and I laaaaauuuuuugghhhhhhhhhh

Also, I think I see why this magical working has the potential to drive you nuts. I don’t have a clue as to why an incredibly simple rite has the capacity to open up massive flood gates of psychic and spiritual shit, but there you have it.

I’ve been going back into my old LJ and started reading hers. Interestingly, a few months ago back on Oct this is part of what she wrote:

Death of loved ones is not something that anyone finds easy to cope with. Having outlived 12 of the people I cared about, many of whom were the same age as, or even younger than me, makes it worse. It seems like it’s a message from the Universe warning me “Don’t get too close to anyone, for sooner or later they will be taken away.” Conversely, you start to worry about your own mortality, and how it might affect others – “don’t let them get too close to you, for when you go, they’ll be hurt in the same way you’ve been affected by the death of those you loved”.

It’s terrifying how close to being prophetic that entry of hers was/is, and I’m sure she had no idea her time would come so soon. I also don’t think it’s coincidence that I stumbled across it.

I don’t know how many times it has to be hit over my head to take absolutely no moment nor person for granted, to not count on there being a tomorrow, or to assume due to my supposed youth that everyone will always be around and I have all the time in the world. I do not. I burned my candles at all ends trying to meet so many goals and while those goals still remain dear to me I wonder if I was going about them in the wrong way.

Evening rite done. I think it went okay. I have a lot weighing on my mind, a lot of strange ideas in my head bordering on conspiracy theory, and I am wondering about many things. Going to get more reading done before bedtime. In the meantime, I’m taking the time out to cuddle with kitties and reconnect with some old acquaintances online.

Abramelin, day 7

Here we are, last day in my first week of the Abramelin.

Morning rite went well, I think. I feel like I’ve made some good breakthroughs on a spiritual and psychic level. Not so much on the job front, however. I worked from home today–and am glad for it, as I’ve been fielding all kinds of fires and drama. Stress levels are at an all-time high to the point where I will either Peter from Office Space it and tune out or I will get sick. Predictably my body temperature has climbed two degrees, and this is my barometer: I think either the stress in this job needs to go or I do. Of course, the body temp rising could be due to the massive chakra and energy work I did last night too, but I’m sure that didn’t help.

So yesterday I did the evening operation of the Abramelin closer to bedtime, and despite the original instructions this seems to have a better “flow”. You begin the day and you end the day with the ritual. Seems to make sense to me, so I plan to go with it. I still plan to be mindful and aware of sunset as I am also observing sunset but will have the ritual take place close to bedtime.

I am getting “dragged” more into my religious community and amongst more opportunities for prayer, worship, and additional motivation/support for such. I think that this is an awesome thing. I have been solo and in a vacuum for a VERY long time now as my time spent in the Hellenic pagan community burnt me out, and having some personal events happen to me some years ago didn’t exactly help. It’s nice to be “back” and in tune.

I’ve also been learning that like with my workouts, my spiritual stuff has to be a “do or die” on a daily basis. Amazing that it’s taken me this long to learn this.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 6

Morning rite done. I had placed a bunch of empty tealights outside the temple room door, and just as I was finishing up my opening prayer I heard a “mrrrrr” then a white paw reached out from under the door to bat one of the empty tealight containers into the room. I couldn’t stop laughing for a good couple of minutes. My cats are supernaturally cute, and it’s really not unlike having furry, four legging toddlers running around. Interesting how the Abramelin stresses not letting animals into the oratory. Honestly, my furbabies have been banned from my temple room ever since they were kittens and managed to break a lamp and decapitate poor Pan.

Among the things I’m reflecting on is having more patience with myself, to see this process through and realize that changes will come over time, that while I am far from perfect this rite is also far from over. I could perceive Hermes at one point during the rite. I feel that he has a message for me.

More thoughts from my reading as posted earlier:

“Still reading through Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony and up to the part of the book where it discusses Dionysos and his various loves and lovers. One thing that strikes me is that it talks about Dionysos almost as if he gets bored easily and jumps from one person to the next. I actually think it’s the exact opposite. It’s not that the god feels nothing or changes easily; I think the god feels everything, all of that, all at once. One new lover doesn’t change feelings for a past one, it gets tacked on. I think the god feels too much, all at once, on a divine level and scale and that is maybe perhaps why he is known as the ‘mad god’.”

Dionysos may be the most misunderstood god in all of the Greek pantheon, and I blame Jung for this. Too many people thanks to Jung pigeonholed Apollo as god of “rationality” and Dionysos is a god of “passion”, not to mention the whole interpretation of Dionysos as “god of parties”. Has anyone even remotely read the Bacchae? I somehow don’t think Pentheus thought he needed to be wearing a party hat during his last moments. >.> In any event…it is my personal spiritual experience that Apollo is the one who has a goofy sense of humor and Dionysos is absurdly deathly serious.

With the help of a friend, I got some much needed cleansing/chakra work done tonight. Still very lightheaded. Went into evening ritual feeling more in the flow of things, however, and a better sense of what direction I need to be moving in.

It’s funny how many people either think I am crazy for doing this rite or just plain brave. I’m sure some are thinking “both”. They are probably much closer to the truth. Others, I’m sure, are wondering why I’m undertaking this under imperfect conditions. I can’t wait for perfect conditions. If I waited for perfect conditions in all things I would accomplish nothing. Like the man in the Fool card, I have to take that first step off that cliff. Fuck perfect conditions.

Abramelin, day 5

Morning ritual performed. I am trying not to whine or complain when I pray at this point, but I kinda am. I realize it’s too much to expect massive changes in five days, and I am becoming painfully aware of the fact that my life is currently a black hole of stress, consisting of little more than work, sleep, food, and workouts. I’m also aware of the fact that things have to change and I really don’t know where to begin. I guess beyond keeping myself healthy and in my skinny jeans I don’t feel like I’m doing much with my life these days. My job isn’t horrible; I’ve had far worse and I actually LIKE my boss and my coworkers plus have some reasonable perks to working here. But I do feel like I’m lacking any real sense of accomplishment or being appreciated for all the efforts and stress I’ve been going through, nor do I feel like I’m doing what I want to be doing with my career. I also feel that I am being given all of the responsibility of a lead role but none of the actual perks of having one. Adding to my concern, during the past 6-7 months I’ve been here I’ve watched (and am watching) at least 7-8 people get up and leave, and this is not a big company. I realize that it is VERY likely given my past work history and the nature of this operation that I will be somehow forced out of this job before the rite is through or at its culmination, but I also realize that tacking on a job search to this operation will be just as stressful if not more so. I am also in the process of refinancing my mortgage and can’t afford to lose my job or it won’t go through. So I am praying for the best outcome, highest and best and all that. It’s all I can do.

I think that somewhere I hit a magical and spiritual rut and instead of beating my brains out trying to figure out a way to deal with it I more or less just found distractions, and they will not serve me here. This is a no excuses zone. I suspect that much of this operation will be a struggle between being myself and living up to my highest ideals and trying to get the rest of my life to match. And I have no illusions; in order to genuinely get my life to match I need to leave the IT world and go full time for life/wellness coaching, fitness training, and writing and my overhead may be too high for that. The good news is that my coaching business HAS been ridiculously successful so it’s not entirely impossible.

There’s a lot that needs improving on all levels of my life; I just don’t know where to start. One day at a time, I suppose.

Evening ritual went well. Less whining. 😉 I’ve spent my commute today to and from work reading Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony, and it’s made me think quite a bit about what I want to see in the world in regards to Hellenism and the gods in general, and how that ties into my own spiritual practice. As I posted to my other FB:

“Rereading Robert Calasso’s Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony. I remember back when I was gung ho about getting us our physical temples back, land, etc…now I’m thinking in broader terms. It’s about making the gods and their worship manifest absolutely everywhere…PERIOD. Beyond land, country borders, and even language. You can destroy a building, but you cannot destroy a god.”

Taking that some steps further, it’s about the unification of mythic reality and personal reality. In short, the magical life made manifest. I need to meditate on this some more.